31 October 2017

Up since 5.30… AHHH! The chemo still has it’s side effects and I was a lot awake during the night and my kids are suddenly early risers!! Well, since I am awake anyway, I might as well give Markus a layin again.

The emotional state of myself is frightening. I have never taken drugs, but I think this is probably what happens, when you are on a trip and it might explain what is happening to me here in phases after each chemo: I have a discussionĀ with my friend Nick today, while driving to a farm, where we celebrate Lennard’s 5th birthday. While there, I am suddenly unable to be with my friends, as our discussion suddenly seems about life and death matters, my heart is beating, my breath is short and though I am there physically, my mind is taking funny turns and I am loosing reason. After a while, it is ok again – I am calm and happy and am able to mingle with my friends. We chat and I am back in the here and now. Then suddenly, I am really exhausted. I go back to the car, to wait for Markus and the kids to go home. I am suddenly tired and feel drained. I go home and go straight to bed, shivering and needing two blankets to warm up again.

Once again, thank you, Nick, for coping with me during these phases – I appreciate it a lot that you do not give up on me… !

Before the treatment started, I was worried about the physical side effects of the drugs, but little did I know about the emotional turbolances ahead of me. It is not the fact that I have cancer and might die – I am pretty sure that I am beating this illness. Oh, I am so worried about the 12 weekly chemos and what they will do to me. I should meditate more, but the app I am using is playing funny tricks on me – thank god, Christina recommended another one šŸ˜‰

There is an intuition center opening tonight and the psychologist recommended I should go. See if this will take my mind off for a while. They are showing the film ā€žInnSƦi“, which is the islandic word for intuition and also means „the sea within“.

While the center is a bit too spiritual for me, the film is interesting – Listen do your heart instead of your head! This is exactly what I am doing at the moment.

A lady I speak to is actually surprised that I have cancer, as she said that she thought I shaved my head as a statement and that I was perhaps an artist šŸ˜‰

 

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30 October 2017

Thank you, daylight saving!!! I have been up with the kids since 5:15 am! It has actually been great to spend a bit more time with them ā¤ļø

Having dropped of Leo, I have like 1000 things to do before meeting my psycho lady at lunchtime šŸ˜‰

I am still coping with the emotional side effects from chemo. Dropping off yet another sick notice, my colleague Jacqueline says that it was the same for her during chemo. Therefore I am not going mad… The psychologist says that this process is actually a huge chance and that I will be a different person at the end and more with me…. Despite the fact that I sometimes feel that there are too many emotions to cope with by myself, it is the best to do this on my own and I am determined to do so.

I got the ok to travel after chemo and I am looking forward to skiing with the kids and to doing yoga in India or Indonesia. This will keep me going for the next 14 weeks and I got quite a few compliments today how much it suits me to have no hair…

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Leo asked what I do at Yoga tonight šŸ˜‚

29 October 2017

I could sleep all day! I am still happy to be in Frankfurt and I do not mind that Anneā€™s kids join me then sofa in the morning, but I am soooo tired! Markus is looking after my kids at home and he is doing a really good job! Thank you!

I am really sad though, as my eyelashes and eyebrows continue to fall out… The hair is something I did worry about less, but eyelashes and eyebrows really shape a face and I am worried what it will look and feel like. Another problem is that the whole body dries out with chemo… the skin, the eyes, the sinuses, the throat, everything… every time I ride the bike, my eyes are burning, but yet again, chemo nurse has a solution and tells me to wear glasses when I ride the bike. I keep forgetting, but shall do that next time! In the meantime I drink tons of water, which also helps to drain the poison out of your body a bit faster without decreasing the effects šŸ˜‰

I am thinking that a yoga retreat in India or Indonesia might just be the right thing to look forward to after chemo. I shall ask Prof. Dr. Breitenbach, if that will be ok. I will probably blend in quite well without hair šŸ™

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28 October 2017

I can still do it! Two days past chemo and I am going to Frankfurt to join some friends from near and far,Ā I have not seen for ever…. Great catching up and I make sure to rest on my friend Anne’s sofaĀ before going to Wagner’s in the evening. What aĀ wonderful evening!

Somehow I seem to recover faster from chemo this time, but I think it is the love of my friends, which really helps – something to look forward to!

Not all of the friends from back then could join us that evening, but we are all connected via What’s App and virtually they are all there…

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Michelle & Anne

27 October 2017

Infusion and injection day at the chemo center. It is the last one of the post chemo shots I get, as it is no longer needed with the next cycle… whoohhooo!

I am spending more than two hours there though, as there are two public holidays coming up next week and everyone needs their stuff beforehand.

Well, the next cylce of chemos will be weekly now – only one poison and five drugs – should take a good three hours to run through. Need to now put a special nail polish on „Sililevo“ to save the nails and will get cooling gloves during the chemo to lessen the numb feeling in my fingers. It starts 9th November and I am hoping to be fit enough 11th to celebrate Karneval!!?!??

The last chemo date will be 25th of January, if all goes well and I am planning to go on a trip in the snow and trip in the sun…. Should I be fit enough! But I need something to look forward to to get me going.

Nurse Fassbender say that I have done really well so far and asks about my feelings, if I am thin-skinned now and I tell her that it is not the physical aspect, which is so hard, but the emotional bit – yes, thin-skinned absolutely, light tempered, restless, extremely emotional and sensitive …. I often don’t recognise myself and today is one of these days again! Wanted to meet Lars today, but had to cancel…See, if some fresh air will help šŸ˜‰

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26 October 2017

My last ā€šbigā€™ EC chemo and Katjaā€˜s last chemo! She has – in a Germanic manner – reserved a seat for me… I am so happy to see her!

We chat away and today I am already slightly sick during chemo… Katja says that only thinking of this place makes her sick!

Chemo nurse Fassbender says that we should live life and I am determined to do so ā¤ļø

I am so tired and fall asleep straight away, when I get home. Mia is back from Kindergarten, so I now lay on the sofa and she snuggles up to me and ā€šsingsā€˜ the lullaby ā€žSchlaf Kindlein Schlafā€ž Ā ā¤ļø I love her so much ā¤ļø

Leo is staying at Juleā€™s today:

Jule: ā€žToday was the first time that I saw your Mom with a bald head!ā€œ

Leo: ā€žYes, with without hair!ā€œ

Jule: ā€žIt looks totally awesome!ā€œ

Leo: ā€žYes, totally awesome!ā€œ

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25 October 2017

What a lovely autumn day – I meet the running moms, have lots of coffee in the sun and hang with Hannah. In the afternoon Manish is in Cologne and we have share a great trip down memory lane with tapas and wine šŸ™‚

I hope I will be fit enough on Saturday to see him and the guys in Frankfurt….after another look at it, the insurance company has decided to pay for Katja’s operation!!

Sometimes I get numb fingertips from chemo – this is to the extend that I could not open my bike lock the other day – it is also good to wear nail polish, as the nails get brittle and there can be air underneath your nails… I certainly hope that this won’t be happening again, but I am up-to-date with the blog, so whatever happens happens.

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my pre-chemo presents are rolling in ….Thank you!
almost there…..

24 October 2017

It is again two days prior to chemo and I am trying to pack in as much as I can! Today it is yoga massage and lymph drainage, which I really enjoy!

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The Fireman Sam Show is in town!
I want to be up-to-date with my blog before the next chemo….
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