5 September 2017

Holweide – what a welcoming site… NOT! I feel like I accidently ended up at some rehab center judging by the scary figures, who stand outside smoking.

Well, inside they are actually really nice. I have to do all the paperwork, then go to the cancer station B5 to have a talk about all that is happening. A young doctor explains how the port will be placed on top of my muscle with direct access to some larger blood vessels – the small once would be destroyed by the chemo .. nice thought! She says that a cylce is normally one time chemo plus 2 weeks rest and suddenly says that there should be 4x EC with two weeks rest and then 12x T weekly… ahhh this is more than I thought…. OK – operation first! They will locate the sentinals injecting radioactive matter – this way they will not have to remove all lymph knots and a biopsy of the sentinels will then tell them, if the tumor has spread in the rest of the body.

I use the time between appointments to talk to Eva, my colleague from Munich, who survived ovary cancer 5 years earlier with two small kids. I get all useful information and arrange to meet with her in Munich the following weekend. Interesting that you even get a¬†disabled ID card…

More administrative work, signatures, etc. and I see the anaesthetist – strange character. CT and MRT are lined up for the next day!

I am glad to dive back into my daily routines, seeing the builders, picking up the kids, going to gymnastics and meeting the girls for dinner and drinks!

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4 September 2017

The rest of the pathologic results are there Рthe tumor is a little bit hormone receptive, which is good, but a little bit more would be better (ER-ICA almost 10%, PgR-ICA 5%, HER2-neu 0%) and the amount of cells, which divide themselves  arbeiten any time is 80% РWOW that is what I call fast growing!

The good thing is though that the chemo can only get into the cells, while they divide themselves biggrin

She wants to start with 3-4 cylces of chemo…and often the tumor then already disappears all together, but they will still have to operate afterwards. I will loose my hair in the second chemo cycle and she says that I should get a wig in any case. I don’t know, if I want one, but her point is that I do not know how I will feel down the line and if there is an 80th birthday and I don’t feel good, I have the option to wear the wig and not face any questions.

I don’t even want to think about the chemo yet and concentrate on the operation first. I have a whole list of appointments lined up – that should keep me busy!

I will be off sick for at least 9 month – realistically one year!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will assist Prof. Dr. Warm, who will operate me on Thursday – see you there!

I call my insurance company AOK NordWest and ask them how they can support me and they will pay for either a friend, who helps me with the kids, 90% of Markus‘ salary, if he takes unpaid leave or a household aid. Excellent!

I visit my colleagues at HRG afterwards and make sure that everyone is aware now. No energy to go to yoga…. well, not that I did not do enough yoga during the weekend ūüėČ

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3 September 2017

A final morning yoga and an OHHHMMMM walk around the lake and off we go!

Silke drops me off at my parents, my cousin Sylvie is there with the kids and Markus and the kids pick me up.

I am ready for the week ahead of me…

I do not eat any white sugar for the time being, just to be on the safe side ūüėČ

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2 September 2017

Mia has an eye infection and I have her insurance card – well, I quickly sort this out….and we miss the morning session by one minute, but I go for a swim instead – 11 degrees, but it is a misty morning and beautiful… once you are inside¬†biggrin

Yoga Run, Yoga Dance, Heart Yoga, Massage… pure bliss – and a wonderful sauna evening with Sandra, who is such a joy to be with. Skinny dipping in the lake, dinner and Yoga Nidra… I am packing my little suitcase with happy moments for the challenging time ahead of me! Thank you!heart

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1 September 2017

I am on my bike dropping off Mia, when Prof. Dr. Breidenbach calls…I should see her on Monday, Tuesday I have appointments at the hospital in Holweide (there is a breastcancer center and she cooperates with them), operation for chemo port and sentinel removal is Thursday.

I take the train to my yoga retreat at Diemelsee (Hotel Göbel) with Sandra and stop in Meschede to see my parents and nephews.

I have now informed most of my friends, colleagues, What’s App groups, etc., spend most of the day with this and the feedback is overwhelming.

Did leave my favourite jacket on the train, but hey, maybe they will find it… Silke picks me up at the trainstation and we navigate through the remote countryside trying to find the hotel.

I tell Sandra straight away about the cancer, enjoy the first session, get a massage and finsih the day with Yoga Nidra – the yoga sleep… Silke joins me and¬†is deep asleep even before Sandra finshes the instructions ….hahaha!

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31 August 2017

It is my cousin Sylvie‚Äės daughter Jule‚Äės 1st day in school! I join the ceremony and rush to mammography before the lunch with the family!

Even before the mammography, Kindergarten call us that I need to pick up Leo, as he has some little pox! Well i am at the doctor‚Äės and need a while…

I push a little bit, they quickly do the mammography and Dr. Scherer asks me in: ‚ÄěIf it is what I think it is, I hope you will get some support with your children to only concentrate on you and your health‚Äú

I am sent downstairs to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach‚Äės practice to get my results, but they say that it will end at least another 30 minutes….. I call Kindergarten and actually have to cry… they keep Leo for lunch and I get a Soya Latte and a M√ľsli – did not even have breakfast!

Another doctor gets me in, tells me that it is cancer and unfortunately a very aggressive form (G3, very fast growing, happy to build metastasis)…. there are still some other pathological results outstanding, which will probably be there on Monday and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach will call me on Friday! Wham! I shed a few tears!

I pick up Leo, call my cousin that he is ill and I won’t be there for lunch and call my brother, my friends and my partner Markus.

Well, it is what it is… My boss boss Alexander calls me to join a client meeting on September¬†9th, so I tell him (I was supposed to be still on materity leave until September 14th) and I call my boss Steffen as well.

Markus comes home early and takes Leo to the doctors… I pick up Mia and decide to go to the family BBQ anyway.

After the kids go to bed, I tell my family and after getting home, I call my Mom!

29 August 2017

Lea is looking after the kids and I rush to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach.

She tells me that she will do a punch biopsy, where a needle takes 5 samples out of the lump and that I will get the results two days later. While looking at the ultrasound, I tell her that I just stopped breast feeding… she asks how old my kids are – ‚Äě1 and 2‚Äú and she looks shocked and is suddenly a bit hectic: ¬†‚Äěwell, I will try to get the results by tomorrow, I know you are waiting for this and I will personally call you‚Äú.

I sit down and she says ‚ÄěI do not like it, it is at least 2cms big and I hope I am wrong, but if this is cancer, you will face Chemo and an operation‚Äú! Bam! Mammography and results on Thursday! ‚ÄěCan I still go to my yoga retreat Friday-Sunday?‚Äú – ‚Äěby all means, if this is cancer, we will not start until Monday!‚Äú

I am worried now, but‚Äôs till try to calm myself down as nothing has been confirmed….

I get emotional, when bringing the kids to bed ūüėĘ

So far I only share this with my brother and two close friends.

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28 August 2017

I have breakfast with the Moms and the first day EVER with both kids, Leo and Mia, in Kindergarten, when I remember to make an appointment with Dr. Rix!

Though I say that I will see her Wednesday, I change it last minute, drop the kids with our neighbour Pam and rush downtown.

‚ÄěOh, you stopped breastfeeding only two weeks ago….probably just a cyst, we do an ultrasound‚Äú …. and this is when I realize that something is wrong. Despite the fact that this black lump could apparently be anything, Dr. Rix picks up the phone, gets a bit hectic and tells me to wait outside. I get an appointment to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach the next day! The way she wishes me all the best worries me!

I pick up the kids and take them to Ben‚Äės for a swim.

I am worried, but try to keep calm – this could be anything – but bringing the kids to bed, I start crying!IMG_3349

27 August 2017

After a trip down memory lane, now back to Germany! Great to see everyone! Finally get to meet the Luke brothers!

I meet Anna from Hamburg on the coach to Heathrow – what an inspirational young lady …. I should join an autogenic training course!¬†

26 August 2017

I am in London in the ‚ÄěMy Bloomingdales‚Äú Hotel and discover a knot in my breast… what the heck – I will get it checked out, when back in Germany! Off to the QE2 Reunion in Southampton ūüėé

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