10 December 2018

Coffee – I love you, I need you!

I am at my gynaecologist and all is ok. She has no time for a breast ultrasound, but at least checks them manually and checks everything else. All is in good order! Yeah!

She could do a breast ultrasound, but thinks that it does not feel unusual … the physio therapist, only sees the moment and works on the issue and last time, it was better after a few days and the senologist could no longer see anything. This is why I am not concerned to wait until January 9 with a breast ultrasound, when my senologist will check it, as I could not get an appointment with my gynaecologist beforehand anyway….

I have time for a quick coffee at Café Petit Noir, watch the rushing turmoil in the street, the violinists, who quickly kiss goodbye, as their bikes part in different directions. It is only a glimpse of a moment, but there is so much love in the air that it touches me. I feel the love, but at the same time, I feel alone…. quickly finish my coffee and rush to music therapy and my psychologist. Maybe it is just my tiredness, which triggers this melancholy 😉

Music therapy cheers me up, we sing Christmas carols…. I drift away during ‘last christmas’, but I am in a jolly mood, eat cookies and I my spirit is bright as the sky, when the sun pushes away the clouds for a brief moment… no more therapy until January, but I might go and see Norbert Hermanns in the opera….. with a happy Feliz Navidad, we all part and I will truly miss it!

The onchological psychotherapy leaves me sad and confused, but she says that during the call with my doctor’s receptionist my helplessness was probably present for the first time since my diagnosis…. a feeling I successfully pushed away all along, but that is what cancer is all about – being helpless! Let’s me realistic – cancer is the boss in this game and even if medicine is very advanced, research amazing, there is no cure… there is a high success rate, when it comes to breast cancer statistics, but you just never know on what side of the statistic you are….and you need to live with it! Apart from my emotional outbreak, I am optimistic though and let’s face it – it always helps to let your feelings and emotions out! At least for me….

This afternoon I will collect my last energy and my kids and enjoy the Christmas time (I upgraded my tree decoration stock on the way home and cannot wait to decorate our tree 🤗)….I want a tree now!

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