14 October 2017

This is probably the worst chemo day ever!

Mia has no fever anymore and I let Markus sleep in order for him to go to the countryside with the kids. I will stay at home and my girlfriends promised to look after the kids there.

After they leave, it is all really quiet – the weather outside is beautiful and I have zero energy to leave the house. The kids are having fun and see all the pictures Markus sends and I miss them so much. I am tired and yet I cannot sleep, as I am unsettled. The horrible thing about being stuck, is the fact that you have suddenly so much time to think about everything. Your life, the what if’s, the turns you have taken and what outlook there is. Normally, I am so busy with my life and just get on with it and now I am forced to take a step back. I am emotionally fragile, and in turmoil, questioning everything and anything. I never would have expected this and I do not recognize myself….Thank god my friend Nick calls me and I can get rid of some of the anxiety, as I really don’t want to speak to anyone.

I have the urge to leave the house and finally get up and go to Lit.Cologne at 9pm to see Sven Regener. I have a water and a coke before I get in there and only survive drinking little sips of water and nibbeling away on a pretzeln – I am so nauseous…

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