Up since 5.30… AHHH! The chemo still has it’s side effects and I was a lot awake during the night and my kids are suddenly early risers!! Well, since I am awake anyway, I might as well give Markus a layin again.
The emotional state of myself is frightening. I have never taken drugs, but I think this is probably what happens, when you are on a trip and it might explain what is happening to me here in phases after each chemo: I have a discussion with my friend Nick today, while driving to a farm, where we celebrate Lennard’s 5th birthday. While there, I am suddenly unable to be with my friends, as our discussion suddenly seems about life and death matters, my heart is beating, my breath is short and though I am there physically, my mind is taking funny turns and I am loosing reason. After a while, it is ok again – I am calm and happy and am able to mingle with my friends. We chat and I am back in the here and now. Then suddenly, I am really exhausted. I go back to the car, to wait for Markus and the kids to go home. I am suddenly tired and feel drained. I go home and go straight to bed, shivering and needing two blankets to warm up again.
Once again, thank you, Nick, for coping with me during these phases – I appreciate it a lot that you do not give up on me… !
Before the treatment started, I was worried about the physical side effects of the drugs, but little did I know about the emotional turbolances ahead of me. It is not the fact that I have cancer and might die – I am pretty sure that I am beating this illness. Oh, I am so worried about the 12 weekly chemos and what they will do to me. I should meditate more, but the app I am using is playing funny tricks on me – thank god, Christina recommended another one 😉
There is an intuition center opening tonight and the psychologist recommended I should go. See if this will take my mind off for a while. They are showing the film „InnSæi”, which is the islandic word for intuition and also means “the sea within”.
While the center is a bit too spiritual for me, the film is interesting – Listen do your heart instead of your head! This is exactly what I am doing at the moment.
A lady I speak to is actually surprised that I have cancer, as she said that she thought I shaved my head as a statement and that I was perhaps an artist 😉