Full moon – yeah baby…. I am often in a funny mood, when it is full moon and do not sleep well – went to bed late, get up early. Today is chemo (No 11), I feel I am coming down with something and I am very emotional right now anyway….. great start! When I call the taxi company, they tell me my prescription has expired. Deep breath…. pfeewww 😉 I arrive late, but Fassbender, Theis & Co are all chilled, as usual. The atmosphere has something calm about it and I appreciate it a lot! In a way I always look forward to my chemos nowadays.
Onboard the cruise ships, we all were in our little bubbles, away from the real world and we wore our masks, when we needed to function – trouble with work? Mask on – Captain’s cocktail party here I come! Bad news from your family at home? Mask on – guests are waiting at my officer’s table to be hosted. I have always been authentic, but I learned to do smalltalk about almost anything (always avoid religion and politics, just like in any other job). But with my close friends, I do not have to wear a mask. After nine years at sea – it is sometimes hard to completely loose it and a mask is also a wonderful way to protect yourself and makes life a lot easier!
When I show the real me, I try to love unconditionally and give without the expectation of getting something in return. I forgive and try to see things from a different perspective to understand – with limits. I am honest and need honesty in return and my close friends know that – they tell me the truth, hold a mirror in front of me or tell me, if I am wrong. They tell me, if they have problems and do not try to protect me from something. If you are close to someone with cancer, don’t try to put them in cotton wool (at least this is the way it works for me).
A friend of mine did not tell me for months that he was unemployed not to bother me with his issues. This is the wrong approach and when I found out, I told him and we sorted it out – I want to participate in everyday life, as mine is currently upside down and anything but normal. Share your life, with all ups and downs, as I need to talk about normal things, when I want to talk – it makes me feel alive!
Another thing was a comment a friend made, when I said that I was upset, because I gained weight: “In your situation this certainly does not matter…” – wrong – I am my normal self, it is not my top priority, but I need to feel comfortable in my body, as weight has always been an issue for me. I continue to look after myself and still worry what to wear sometimes. I am happy to talk about the cancer, but it is not everything – it influences my life a lot, but I am still a normal person (at least that is what I think with the chemo brain mess and all that ;)).
Having a chemo brain, being the most fragile I have ever been, I can easily get hurt – I want to embrace vulnerability though, as it makes me feel alive. I don’t cry a lot, but I cried last night and today I suddenly worry about cancer. I never did really, maybe other things distracted me – even if in a negative way – quite nicely from the anxiety cancer can bring along. I am anxious to what the ultrasound will tell me on the 9th. It is only 5 days, thank god for that, but as I was disappointed with the last result, I worry that this chemo cycle maybe did not do it’s job properly… It will probably all be fine, but I still worry.
Claudia and I chat a lot and I eat some of her chocolate (I purposely did not bring chocolate today ;), but hey, it’s ok). Chemo nurse Fassbender admires my hairgrowth, but says it will all go again …. whhhaaaa… but maybe my new mini lashes will hang in there just for this little bit longer 😉