7 January 2018

I love weekends and I equally don’t lately…. it is the constant stretch between what I want and what I can do that causes emotional turmoil.

Saturday I feel really well post chemo, get up early with Mia, make breakfast and sing with her – did I mention that my 1,5 year old is singing thousands of songs (having an older brother, this naturally includes the Fireman Sam and Bob the Builder theme songs 😉 and all Christmas and St. Martin tunes are still on top of her list). I love these moments and when everyone is up, we take it easy, the kids play, Carla joins them, I cook lunch, and the rest of Carla’s family joins us. Markus goes for a run with Leo, while I stay home with Mia, who sleeps. We meet Leo’s friends and families at the playground and spend the evening at the Chinese Light festival in the zoo with Carla’s family. Already at the playground, I feel tired – my hand and knee still hurt and it is not the easiest to ride my bike (I have never been one of these cool kids, who can ride a bike freehanded…). In the zoo I start freezing a bit. I love spending the day with the kids, but I am exhausted beyond believe, when we get home and fall into bed. Pfewwww…..

And now there is Sunday, I have a little cold and cannot get out of bed – thank god it is not my turn to get up early today, but normally I make an effort to always have breakfast with the kids… not today and this is where I have an issue. I need to rest, but I want to be with the kids and this is what makes it so hard, when they are here all day. It is 9.30 am, I have another coffee, put on some music and join the kids and Markus.

Maybe I can catch up with a few friends today, who I promised to call – I hardly call anyone nowadays and am rather reactive than proactive. I appreciate it though, when you call me, but don’t be upset, if don’t get back – I have never been good at it, but lately it is even worse 😉 I have lonely moments, but still….

There was no yoga and no running Mamas during the Christmas break and I am looking forward to Monday, when ‘normal’ life starts again. This will also help with my weight – yes, it really is an issue for me and I am dreading the anti hormone therapy, which I will have to discuss again with my doctor. The point is that my tumor is not triple negative ( quick explanation, as one comes across this term all the time, when talking about breast cancer: sometimes abbreviated TNBC refers to any breast cancer that does not express the genes for estrogen receptor (ER), progesterone receptor (PR) or Her2/neu). My tumor is only very little hormone receptive though (ER <10%, PR 5%, HER2/neu negative) and I yet have to see the point why I should then undertake the therapy for five years. Well, that subject is well down the line and I will get the chemo out of the way first and then the operation and the radiation …. baby steps!

I cannot wait for Tuesday now, I want to plan a ski trip (even, if I can only do one ski run a day, I want Leo to start skiing and I want mountains and snow …the reality will probably be a trip to my parents in Sauerland ;)) and I want to book a flight to do yoga in warm weather…. I need something to look forward to!

In the meantime, my hair has grown so much, that I decided to nourish and nurse it – I will not give up on you!! I might even be able to sport a comb over soon 😉 Scrolling through photos all afternoon due to a sudden lack of energy to do anything, I finally find the proof that I look better without hair – love my hair in this picture though, but it never really looked this way without styling – too many curls….

Maja saves me today by forcing me to leave the house now – off I go to join the kids and Markus at the playground and to meet Maja! Thanks, my dear ❀

IMG_1881 This was an interview without words – don’t remember the question though 😉

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