5 May 2018

What a nightmare – Leo wakes at least ten times screaming and shouting! My poor boy is exhausted and so am I.

I hit the backyard fleamarkets in Nippes, while Markus and the kids go to the playground. Today anyone with a backyard can register and sell whatever they no long need in there. I am too tired to really enjoy it, but have a mission, as the kids need a few things. It is hot today with no single cloud. I buy way too much and visit a few friends, who are selling before I bump into Don, who is one of the fellow cancer bloggers from the workshop and I sit down with him, happy to rest for a little while.

Someone who has gone through the treatments, the emotions, can truly understand where you are standing at and I am happy to chat to Don. He is already working full time, but it is never “all good” again …. cancer is staying with me for the rest of my life and these connections will hopefully also stay with me. My perspective has changed, I have changed and my life has changed!

Markus is calling me and I am back in here and now, as our neighbour Maggie invited us for her birthday dinner and I need to go home now, but look forward to seeing Don soon again….I am completely exhausted by the time I reach home. I did not see my kids almost all day long, but there is no way I would have managed to check out the flea markets with them.

As I get dressed, I feel like putting high heels on. The problem with chemo feet is that they constantly hurt – either your feet hurt, your nails hurt or you no longer have nails and it hurts and therefore you aim for the most comfortable shoes. If I wear heels, I cannot wear closed shoes, as my toes hurt, but if I wear peeptoes, my missing toe nails show. I thought about fake toe nails, plasters, but there is no quick fix and I decide to wear my peeptoes anyway. Yes, as Simone points out quite rightly, some people have ugly nails all their life and it is a dinner party and probably nobody will even notice it. “Your look only needs to be perfect, if you are incapable of anything else!” My toe nails are not pretty – au contraire – but they are part of me, something like a scar, which reminds me right now of what I have been through so far…. You deserve to see the world, this one time, peeps, and I will sort something out for the rest of the summer, but for tonight, I am ok 😉

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