18 June 2018

Energy level – rock bottom! I sleep most of the morning and am still exhausted! But I promised Mia to pick her up today and this is about all I am managing today πŸ˜‰ and my weekly yoga tonight for my #stepupfor30 challenge!

Somehow I have the cancer blues today – I have started my new chemo and am really realizing now more than before that I am pumping more poison into my body four months after finishing my last chemo…. yes, I know that I have to take it and I want it as well, but thinking that I went to Bali at the end of my last chemo to recover and clean my body, seems such a waste. It was not – Bali was the best I could have done for my body and mind and having another throwback only means that I have one more reason to go to Bali again! Yoga Barn – you will see me in 2019 πŸ™

I still have to do some paperwork and cannot even be bothered to shower…. it is hard with the kids, but on the other hand great, as I don’t have the option to do nothing …. they keep me going and I am spending a quiet afternoon with them …. at least that is my plan and picking up ice cream on the way home helpsΒ πŸ˜‰Β I am struggling with juggling my energy levels though – I tend to do too much, when I am feeling well and need to learn how to find a medium level that satisfies my urge to do something and yet does not leave me rock bottom. Well, knowing what the problem is, is the first step in the right direction, I guess….

My bones and joints are still hurting and I really hope it will ease soon. Sometimes, I cannot feel my fingers in the morning, they are locked in a grip and if I put my weight on them – I know, it is more than usually, but that is not the point – the hand does not have the strength to hold it…. it gets better after a few minutes, but it is weird and scary. Combined with my stiff walk, like an drunk old sailer, I really feel for people, who have this all the time… it is not the end, but nothing like an easy jumping out of bed in the morning, fresh & light & blablabla… and the same goes for any getting out of bed, now that I am thinking about it.

My outlook? Mia is starting ‘big’ Kindergarten 3rd July, which means being there with her and only short stretches of child care until she is up and running, plus Markus has a surgery 9th July, which means that he cannot do anything for two weeks. Since the daily routines involve him in the mornings, evenings and during weekends along with the household aids, we asked his insurance company to send the aids more frequently to cover his ‘down time’. Somehow we will have to find a way that works for all, but my Mom is also helping out. I can handle stretches with the kids alone, when I have the energy, but nobody can depend on me right now….Halleluja!

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