25 June 2018

I watch a movie during the night…. and I am so emotional lately. I cry my eyes out and cannot fall asleep. It is a happy movie about people falling in love, having babies and my hormones play tricks on me. Yes, I really wanted another baby, wanted to be pregnant again, nurse another baby and yes, I should not be ungrateful, should be happy for what I have, etc etc…. should whatever. I love my two kids and they are the best that has ever happened to me and I know I am over 40, but I was already, when I had child number one and my dream was always to have four kids…. There were years when I thought that I would have to get used to the idea of not having any kids and having two was the biggest miracle ever! But I could have had another one, maybe, perhaps ….. the thing is that I would have loved to decide this myself – and not the cancer!

The day starts with bad news – another breastie in remission has metastasis…. this is so unfair and I no longer want this stream of bad news! People starting to live their lives again, smiling and laughing, while cancer kicks then in their bum…. but you picked the wrong ones 😉

My first appointment is music therapy and I am so lethargic that I need a taxi to have any chance to make it on time, the psycho oncologist cancels – thank goodness – and then a kids psychologist is the next appointment in line.

She reassures me, helps me to feels less guilty and says that the way I handle the situation makes sense. What did I do? I was open about the situation, spread the news about my cancer and went to Kindergarten without hair…. I did not want any talking behind my or worse behind my kids’ back. And I wanted the cancer to be a normal part of our life. I chose the strategy to be offensive instead of defensive and as I talk a lot about anything, it would have been weird not to talk about the cancer…. it is nice to know that I can contact her any time and so can Markus.

I have the book “why does Mummy wears a hat during summer”, which I got from Eva, but she gives me a copy of “Chemo-Kaspar“, which seems to be good for small kids as well and refers me to a brochure, which I actually have at home – unread 😉

I leave feeling happy, supported and that any issues I face right now are really first world problems.

I lunch with chemo buddy Claudia, which is uplifting, I pick up Leo and his Kindergarten buddy and have a fun afternoon with screaming, laughing, baking waffles and creating my own little BullerbĂŒ ❀ Who needs four kids, when your kids invite their friends 😉

#stepupfor30 – no worries …. it is Monday and I go to yoga 🙏 and as if it is not enough – I signed up for a 21 day tapping challenge run by some Indian lady for inner peace and a 7 day FeelGood challenge run by a fellow breastie…. no physical activity involved here though 😉

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