16 July 2018

The song “sleeping beauty was a pretty child” is in my head as Mia rephrased it to “poo-poo was a pretty word”…. oh well! I shouldn’t, but I love it!

Today is my day off after bringing the kids to kindergarten and I sleep, but feel that there is no improvement…. we could not get extra household aid hours from our provider, while Markus is on sick leave and though I feel strong enough and happy to get the kids ready in the morning, have breakfast with them and drop them off, this is as far as my energy lasts today. I go pick up the kids at 1:00 and my heart melts when they tell me how happy Mia is, how she sings all day and bubbles away….. so far, there was not a single tear and I am so proud of her.

I feel that she needs more of me for the rest of the day though and I have some lunch in the restaurant, while they get a small ice cream and a comic, as I am starving and feel I don’t want to go home straight away….and when we get home, Markus is there to play with the kids – he is on crutches, but fit – and our household aid arrives at the same time and is doing the rest. And I rest…. Mum stops by for a few hours on her way home from Munich, therefore I have a lot of support, but I feel sorry for the kids. They have another day at home – they are fine with it… it’s just me!

It is 30 degrees, I would have loved to go to the water playground, the public pool or the lake, but I have zero energy – feel sorry to lay in bed with the blinds closed, but…..maybe …. tomorrow, when kindergarten will try to let Mia stay until after nap time… fingers crossed! I will leave the bedroom, when there is more shadow on the terrace…. a bit later… but for now, I rest!

I feel weaker than in my worst chemo times, tired, so awfully tired and exhausted. It is cancer fatigue at it’s best and the restless night did not help… Leo had nightmares and in the early morning hours I finally carried him over to my bed. Reflecting on my cancer treatment so far….Yes, it has been a long journey and I am glad my body can rest today, even if my mind does not like it right now. My body has done a tremendous job so far and has been coping with two operations, 28 radiations, 16 chemos and is currently facing the second cycle of chemo pills…..I need to give it some rest and train my mind constantly to accept the fact that the body has trouble keeping up with my mind.

Next weekend is my trip with my brother Micky to Zugspitze…. he will be fishing in the Eibsee and I will be reading and it is the first weekend I am allowed to enjoy the sauna again – they have a wonderful wellness area and the lake is a dream – you swim and can look up to Zugspitze! This is what I look forward to… I climbed Zugspitze before, but this time, we will take the gondola 😉

I hear the kids laughing and dry my tears. By now there should be some shade and I will be with them and put my feet in the splash pool! Onwards and upwards! I am going to bed with the kids now ….

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