29 November 2017

“Chemobrain is like a mix of ADHD & early Alzheimer’s.” I read an article on ‘I Had Cancer’, which made me laugh and actually summed it up so well… “I wish, I wish, I wish, I’d known about the feelings!”

The psychologist actually put it so well yesterday. “You are very thin skinned and need to look after yourself and be with yourself…” and this is where the conflict lays – on one hand and in theory, I am determined and have the best intentions to meditate, look after myself, be self-contained, but there is the restlessness, which makes it very difficult at the moment to stay focused. I have difficulties concentrating on a book, on meditation or on being there and then in the moment – even with my kids. My mind is all over the place and though in theory I am aware of it, I often cannot make it stop wandering. Apparently the intuition training might help me with this and I shall give it a try.

The longer I am on this journey, the more I appreciate the opportunities this time holds! – Without cancer, I would not have had the chance to look at myself and after myself in the way I do right now. It is the chance to step back and reflect on your life, rethink and make changes and adjustments, where necessary. I have learned that you always have a choice and what used to be my credo “love it, leave it or change it” needs to apply to all areas of my life again. Any massive changes have to wait until the cancer is gone, but I have changed a lot of little things already and I think I am really lucky to have this opportunity.

Today is the opening of the little Nippes Christmas market and I shall visit it with the kids  and maybe I can even get a haircut for Leo beforehand? We shall see…and I still have to get the kids’ advent calendar ready…. and the HRG Christmas bash already starts at 6.30pm….ahhh! Well, no sports today and hopefully all will fall into place 😉

HRG organized a Time Ride – a virtual reality tour through the old Cologne followed by a great evening at the Maritime Hotel. It was lovely catching up with the colleagues and the everyone hugged me and wished me well. I had some wonderful conversations – obviously speaking way too much and did not want to leave. It is chemo day tomorrow, so I am home now.

I feel slightly sick, when I get ready for bed and suddenly I have to throw up…. I hope it was just the food and the coughing and that I can have the chemo tomorrow! Today I did stay in bed until the afternoon – with the exception of breakfast and a brief visit from Sandra…and that is the plan for tomorrow – I know that I need to slow down!


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