9 December 2017

Snow… snow… snow… for about one hour and all was green again…. well, that is Cologne for you!

I am a bit down today. The kids are adorable and give me so much joy, but everything else is really tiring. I want to bake spritz biscuits and am all motivated when I prepare the dough in the morning. At lunchtime I try to process it for the first time with the KitchenAid and greatly fail… the dough is too dry and it does not work. I have absolutely no nerves for this and just leave it as it is in the kitchen. Ahhhh!!!! I have no patience whatsoever and no energy, I feel hot and cold and completely exhausted …. Markus just returns from running and he and my Mom are trying to finish it off  – bless – but I am angry that I lost my patience. How long after chemo will it take for me to be me again!?!??

Emotionally I am really struggling today and cry during the afternoon, when Markus and the kids are at the zoo. My mom is still here, my Dad comes to visit and that distracts me. The problem with being strong is that everyone expects that you are always strong, but I have my lows as well, especially being super sensitive, thin skinned and fragile. The other problem is that people do not think you are really ill, if you don’t moan about it. When Leo arrived, for example, the hospital did not think I had contractions, as I had cycled there and was speaking normally. They would have sent me home again (and I would have gone home), if they had not seen last minute that the cervix was already open 7 cm.  It was probably the same with the pneumonia, but I did tell everyone that the coughing was annoying me….hmmm. No, I will not start to be a moaner!

On a positive note – the coughing seems to get a little better and the kids love the inhalation machine, as there is a tiny mask for kids as well and Leo has a theory that it cures coughing just by putting the mask on – for some reason only in the combination with a builder’s hat  😉

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