8 February 2018

Why do these things always come at once!?!?

My mental state is weak – one day post chemo – yet, I have to urge to get issues out of the way, tell people how I feel and when they hurt me. I have accepted that I am vulnerable, when I talk about my feelings, but I do not have to pretend that I am all strong.

It is freezing, but sunny and I ride to my beautician appointment, do some grocery shopping and notice that the first the crocuses are appearing…. reminds me of my hair slowly coming back… I might stop shaving now that chemo is over 😉

After I come home, I am exhausted and just need some rest, as I did not sleep until 2.00am, but my insurance company (AOK NordWest) calls me twice (bad communication on their side) to tell me that I will not get my sick pay and no household aid, if I leave the country. I am very thin skinned today and actually cannot help myself, but cry on the phone and do not appreciate that they put me through this twice. The point that really upsets me, is the fact that I have survived five months of chemo with two little kids at home and I am in a very weak state right now and yet I have to fight here. My doctors say that I should do what is best for me and to travel to Bali is my way of regaining strength for the operation and radiotherapy. I went to sea for nine year and travel is something that really does not stress me. I have organized to get help on the way and therefore I do not see what difference it makes, if I travel within Germany or leave the country, but this is Germany and there are rules and regulations. I do not consider this a holiday…. anyhow, I clean myself up and mobilize my last energy to find alternatives. I am accumulating leave days at work, while I am ill, maybe there is a win win solution from that end, as one of the breasties suggested?!?! I am checking with HRG and my doctor. And concerning the household aid, I will contract them myself during this time. I have managed so much, I will not let the insurance company spoil this last minute. Bali I am on my way! No matter how…. This is emotional stress that I really don’t need right now.

I cannot rest now anyway and there has been enough crying for today …. It is carnival and I put some makeup on and go and celebrate with my kids – very low key though at a Nina’s house 😉