15 April 2018

I sleep only a few hours and lay awake having bad mom thoughts running through my mind. It rains heavily and I do not manage to stop my mind, which runs like a hamster in a wheel….I feel guilty for not spending the afternoon with my kids, as I will hardly be home next week. I am beyond tired, think I have a cold, start coughing again and have pneumonia flashbacks, my breast is still not healing properly and I am angry with myself for being light tempered last night. Any little task I have to do overwhelmes me just thinking about it…. I am nine weeks post chemo, but I guess I have to give myself more time to recover!

Therefore I meditate, get up and spend time with my kids and after my first coffee the world looks already so much friendlier. It actually stops raining and as the first rays of sunshine break through the clouds, my mood brightens equally 😉

My energy level is close to zero, but the kids want to go swimming. I would go, but check with my doctor (on a Sunday with a What’s App boobie picture – she simply is the best), am not allowed and drag myself through to lunchtime just being present…. I ask them not to go without me, as I cannot stand not being with them right now!

Today is the first time we have friends over since my diagnosis …. my cousin Sylvie, Maja and their families come over for a BBQ. I had a busy social life throughout my therapy, but somehow I was not able to cope with having people over. Maybe home became my little sick place, my castle, my refuge?! I don’t know…, maybe it was just easier to leave at any point when I am somewhere else instead of kicking my guests out 😉

I try to sit back and relax and let my guests and Markus do everything, but am knackered beyond believe. My heart explodes with joy though seeing this bunch of wonderful people. The kids love each other and do cooking competitions! Tomorrow is my first day of music therapy and I am really excited. I will be asleep in no time and hope I will be ok again 😴

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