8 May 2018

Generally my kids are good sleepers, but what happened last night?!? Mia is wide awake at 3:30, first screaming and then playing nicely in my bed while constantly asking for my attention. She is really cute and adorable, but aaaahhh….. I am soooo tired!

It might be the tiredness, but reality hits me hard today…. radiation 8/28 is in the books, I see the psycho oncologist and was asked to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach today. She says that she cannot use the ultrasound, as radiation has already started and the gel would be an issue, but that she does not like the look of my breast, promises me that it will look dreadful after radiation and that she will have to operate again next year, if I can live with it this long…. well, whatever it takes.

I check, if I should do anything, like take supplements and she says that vitamin D is the only thing she could suggest, if anything. Ok ✔️

Then I want to know if there are different chemo pills, but apparently there are only different dosages…. that is all and the reason she wants me to take them is based on studies concerning my tumor, where they were successfully used.

The final question – how do you know, if it works? You don’t – you only know, if it does not work, when the tumor comes back. What an outlook…. not!

I am about to leave and check with the receptionist as to when I should see her again – three months after radiation ends…. hmmmm…. that means I call Dr. Reiser to arrange the next steps concerning chemo, I guess!

I get the vitamin D and return, as I still have questions due to the fact that I would only see her in September and get an appointment for early June. I am sad and frustrated, but that does not help…. it all feels vague and despite the fact that I should run some errands, I run home and eat and sleep and shed a few little tears! I do send a quick What’s App to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, as I remember her doing the ultrasound when I was marked for radiation, which started two days later….

Apparently it is normal that radiation drenches out all your energy…. unbelievable. I still want to drop off Leo at kids gymnastics and mobilize my last energy, but I just make it to Kindergarten and back and since a bike hit our household aid, I send her to hospital and stay with the kids in the garden – me on the sofa and the kids can do whatever they want with water and sand 😉.

I might have to cancel Maja and Christina tonight, if I still feel this way and cut out as much as I can to survive the rest of the week. A nice evening with my girls would be exactly what I need now ….. or loads of sleep!

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