10 July 2018

Ok – am I ok?!? No, not really…. and yes, I am. I am not fit, but ok, I am not strong, but ok and it is ok that I am tired – I am still recovering from 28 radiation and 16 chemos, my breast looks horrible after two operations and I am facing another one and I am taking chemo pills…. I often say that it is ok, when I am really not and when I say that it is not ok, it is often too late….

I have always been this way… work hard, multi task, never ill, always finding a way and always being ok with everything. For now ok is good though 😉

I have an onchologist check-up today. My blood is ok, I am ok with my eight pills a day. I should take just a little less than five pills of 500mg morning and evening, but he wants to keep me on four for now, as he rather does all cycles on four pills than having to stop the chemo due to side effects…. we see how this one goes.

Nurse Fassbender chats to me about being ok – she says that now the hard time begins, as everyone thinks that all is fine again, as my hair is back and that they cannot understand that I am not fit. Tired?! Apparently that fatigue will stay for a while and I need to rest more, which I have no time to right now. Yes, she sums it up so nicely – I feel guilty and weak sometimes for not being up to speed and it hurts me, when people give me a puzzled look, when I say that I am not ok, but I am ok with it!

Tomorrow is day four in Mia’s Kindergarten and I will go to LaufMamaLauf and maybe have the chance for some me time, as I went to Bonn today to visit Markus and am exhausted now! It will be ok to have an early night!

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