4 August 2018

Total cancer fatigue disaster yesterday…. I am running on emergency power from 5pm onwards and it gets worse and worse…. normally, not that much of an issue, but we have Simone and her family over and I am presenting my worst self…. tired is ok, but I am moody, thin skinned, impatient and have no energy to make an effort to hide it 🤦‍♀️

I feel it creeping up, feel exhaustion when I have to leave the pool, but a little swim cools me down and gives me another energy boost to go to Kindergarten. I collect the kids, feel tired and am glad that our household aid Steffi is there to help me at Kindergarten …. I try to sit down, but there is always one kid, who wants something and I am less patient with the kids and by the time we BBQ I am merely keeping my head up….. I hate it! And in these moments I hate myself, the cancer and everything…. I just want to have my energy back and don’t want to be this wreck of a myself, who is a pain in the neck. I want to be the Mum I can be, the friend I can be….the heat does not help either, as the kids are tired as well!

This morning Leo says that he had a bad dream …. “what was it?” I ask…” I dreamed that you were dead” apparently I was 100, but it does not help. I cry during breakfast, as I am so tired and exhausted.

I have to improve managing my energy budget – I should not overspend and running on emergency power ruins it all….

Today is the day to start meditating again! And if I have any power, I continue with the untire app…. and I am sending Markus and the kids to the public pool now. I wish I could do something with them, but my energy hits rock bottom, my body hurts like I ran a marathon and I can hardly get out of bed. I just need a little time to myself, where I can rest…. and then I will join them later!

Great – my plans for a wonderful summer holiday time are going down the drains….. but I will find a way and save more energy and next weekend, the kids will spend two days at my Mum’s before we start our little holiday away from Cologne ❤️

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