26 August 2018

I am officially back from my time out, rested, stronger, less bones aches, more energy…. I might have spent all last night though, when I danced away till the wee hours of the morning, but at least for one day I felt strong and full of power. It was a beautiful party with friends I know for more than 20 years…. but up til then it was all week good food, a bit of wine and happy kids – my remedy – and daily sports… Pilates, yoga, step aerobics, stretching, stand up paddling, aqua gymnastics, I was a jack of all trades…. low key of course 😉 I hope once I am more awake, I can confirm that I still feel stronger…. now I have a sore throat from singing and talking and a nostalgic trip through the 80s and 90s…. all the memories – I am grateful and happy!

Today I feel old and tired, but I think that I am in good company ….. It was a long and wild party, but today is not just any day – one year ago, I had a shower in a hotel in London and felt a knot in my breast, hard as a stone, big as a cherry…. I had just stopped nursing Mia ten days earlier…. probably just a cyst…. nothing to worry! Oh, boy, was I wrong!

It only took five days to know that this was an aggressive little knot, fast growing – very fast growing, minimal hormone receptive and happy to metastasize…. my world was turned upside down and it scared the hell out of me! “Give me all the chemo you have…. anything it takes, I will do it!” and I did it, ticked off one by one, an operation, 16 chemos, pneumonia, another operation, 28 radiations and little complications and bits and bobs, but my little friend decided to be stronger than expected and after all of the treatments, it shrank, but was still alive and kicking, the little rascal….less fast growing, but mutated to a triple negative…. thank you! Now I am taking chemo pills and I hope that the end of therapy is end of this year! Enough is enough and I want to go to rehab, dance with Paula at the seaside and drink Gin Tonics shouting “it’s a wrap”!

One year of fears, tears, but also laughter, strength and amazing people, who I would have never met….it makes me stronger, a better person and I am determined to change something…. not only in my life, I want to raise more awareness, make cancer visible, give it a face and make sure that women and men look after themselves! We only have this one life!! And I try to live it to the fullest, while carefully choosing what to use my energy for…. I am more and more aware, am living the moment, try to look after myself and dance in the rain and I know that there is an army of wonderful people out there, who go along with me and I am thankful for every single one! Thank you for going on this journey with me, being there in real life or virtually – today I am not throwing my “Thank you to all & I am cancer free” Party, as planned…. but I danced away last night and am enjoying my life and I am thankful for being alive! Please look after yourselves! YOLO!

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