18 October 2018

#throwbackthursday – me at LaufMamaLauf pumpkin training 18 October of last year.

Despite being a sportive failure by all means, hiding my insecurity with humor and feeling insecure in my body, sport has always played a major role in my wellbeing and I continue throughout my treatment to be active and attend my sports classes with the running mamas, do yoga as much as I can and ride my bike everywhere…. as time progressed I also started to run again (which actually had nothing to do with cancer that I didn’t, but rather with a not very supportive pelvic floor after my two pregnancies, which did not get better during chemo).

While I used to do sports to have the body I wanted sometimes in the future, I changed over time and use the benefits of sport in the here and now. Weight has always ruled my life, my mood and my self image and despite the fact that I now weigh almost 10kg more than in this picture, I am more secure than when I weighted 20kg less… I would lie, if I’d say that I totally accept my body the way it is now, but I found peace with it for the moment and know that there are more important things. If I manage to loose the weight again, I will be very happy, but it is not the only way to secure happiness. I am happy to be alive and I enjoy the here and now more than aiming for a future me.

“I am sure that it will go away again and you will be ok again” is something that hurts me, when I mention that I am the heaviest I have ever been…. yes, I am not the skinny athletic beauty, but why do I have to loose it again to be ok. My personality did not change? I don’t want to waste any more time to strive for a future physical me …. It is a battle, but I have come a long way already to accept my new normal and it adds so much quality to my life. I try to abandon what I should be and try more to be what I am and what I can be.

Yesterday, as part of the Avène post cancer treatment programme, I once again attend pilates with Bruno – I missed the info last time, that this one and a half hour series of exercises was especially designed for cancer patients. There are a few familiar faces now and I am at ease – also because I feel that it is not as hard as last week and there are my new cancer mummy friends from the group therapy. The cancer folks are all French, as 80% of the patients, but the rest is beautiful international from Kuala Lumpur, Senegal, South Africa, Kambodia, Australia, Japan, USA, HongKong….. and I love it!

Sports or just being out and about was one of my key motivators …. it is not only that the side effects of chemo are apparently less, when you are active, the chemo also works better, says my onchologist!

I am very tired, but we all decelerate in this picturesque little valley near Avène and enjoy the tranquility and the time together ❤️

Chemo cycle 6/8 is in the books …. I actually look forward to one week without pills and I get ready to face the two more rounds and give my feet and hands extra pampering in the meantime 😉

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