4 December 2018

I am done for the day and it is only 11am…. I have an appointment today with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and I am longing to go, as I have a long list of questions. I mix up the times though – totally my fault… idiot me – so I call the practice at the time of my appointment and say that I mixed it up and will go immediately…. and the receptionist says NO!

They are fully booked and the next appointment is end of January…. I freak – it is not only an appointment – I am not only there for an ultrasound, but for my first appointment post chemo to find out what is happening next…. I have no plan, don’t know what is lined up next, if anything is…. I start crying, as I suddenly feel so lost, so alone, so helpless…. she agrees to talk to the doctor and call me back, when I say that I cannot handle this. I wait, cannot stop weeping, actually get ready and go to see them.

I bump into Mehrnaz and can talk a bit, which helps while riding the tube….and I cry again! From now to then this call turned me into a nerveless wrack….

My ‘favourite’ receptionist calls me, when I am almost there to say that I have go get an appointment for January. As I arrive five minutes later, the first thing she says is that her colleague is only 22 and cannot handle calls like that, while I was apologizing to her colleague for crying on the phone. It is her condescending way and total lack of empathy, which makes me cry again…. Well, I have known her for a while now!

I do the necessary admin, tell her that I will see my gyn for an ultrasound, as I have an appointment anyway and ask, if I can leave my questions for the doctor to email me sometimes…. and she goes to see the doctor to ask, if she has time to answer an email…. I cannot believe it! I know they are busy, but I feel that nobody cares and I am a burden…. I am considering changing doctors, but will first discuss what happened.

Coffee first – I dry my tears, call chemo buddy Claudia and go to my colleagues to leave my sick note and maybe have lunch. I am ok again, it just shocks me, how I am not fit to handle and stress …. but I am good again now and will wait to speak to my doctor.

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