27 January 2019

I stay in bed most of the day…. I went out last night to see a my friend Christina for a lovely chat and though I had said no to any social engagements lately, I needed it so much. Yes, I need social contacts, but at what price?!?

Maybe it wasn’t the fact that I went out, but rather an accumulation of the last four weeks with a sick child….I have no energy to spend time with my kids and I don’t have the nerve today. Yes, most people would probably tell me to cherish every single moment with them, but I can’t…. Mia throws a tantrum this morning and I just want to run away and cry…. my tolerance for crying kids is close to zero. I wish I could, but I can’t, feel horrible, but that is the way it is.

Over the past year, my bad mum feelings got better, but I simply cannot live up to my expectations as a Mum or just towards myself…. My strategy is to rather spend intense moments with them, where I am really present than being just physically there.

I will be in bed with the kids tonight, like every night, snuggle up with them, will tell them a good night story and listen to their thoughts and stories. I hold them tight, hear them bubbling away before their breaths slow down, feel their little arms around my neck and smell their hair. I love them more than anything, but without my energy this is all I can do.

It is good to say no, to set boundaries, but I often say no because I lack the energy. I am doing ok in all areas of my life right now, just manage somehow to juggle the pieces, but I look forward to not only staying on a straight course, but to loop a loop now and then, march to a different drum and let my hair down! Rehab won’t do miracles, but I am already happy with any improvements. I’ll have one portion of strong, fit and health please – with sprinkles on top 😉

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