17 February 2019

I am sick as a dog – a really bad cold kills my last energy….the kids are here and I simply do not have the nerve and power to do things with them the way I want to. If at least I could sleep in their apartment during the weekend, but the clinic said no 😢… I see their point that I am ill and I need a good night’s sleep to recover, but it is so hard to leave them at night….

There is also a positive side to everything though and due to my cold, I am not allowed to go to walking or aqua gym, which means I a lot more time with the kids and Monday, I just have to switch a seminar and can spend almost all day with them…. Yipehhhh!

It is the hardest bit during this whole cancer journey though! As much as my kids motivate me, give me strength and structure to my day, not being able to be there for them as much as I want just hurts. I am too tired, too thin skinned, too weak….. and it is something I just don’t want to accept!

It hurts and I push myself and as hard as it is, I have to admit that I am at the moment not fit enough for my kids! Daily life actually scares me right now and I have no idea how I will find my way back into working life, but this is one of the goals of rehab….

One problem though: Being tired all the time, means that I have no reserves for colds or other illnesses, which might play it’s role in the whole dilemma though and I am waiting for my mind to clear 😉

I am still happy to have my kids here and to generally have my kids, but I think that I will probably benefit best from rehab after cold and kids have departed.

My mind spins, after I see a terrible accident yesterday, where three kids on a sledge crash high speed into the end of the slope – just meters away from us – and are being catapulted into the air to crash onto the frozen ground and some abandoned concrete pipes. I still see them flying in slow motion and one girl, the eldest, probably 10 or 12, was actually flown to Freiburg with severe injuries!

They did not wear helmets and neither did Mia and I, as we just returned from the ticket booth. I had my back towards to slope and did not even see them come…. I am hoping that the kids will be ok, I am grateful that none of us were hit, I love my kids and it breaks my heart! Helmets can save lives!

Today I actually notice the first improvement…. yipehhh!! Onwards and upwards!!

PS: i am really bad at replying to messages of any kind – the internet is dreadful and sometimes I receive messages, but it doesn’t mean I can answer 🤷‍♀️ thank you for your understanding!