25 September 2017

Leo will be 3 tomorrow and I am almost done with all the preperations – super proud of my cake!!

I try to organise everything to make it a special day and invite some family and friends.

The thing with this situation is that suddenly I am in very close contact with people I least expected it. Other people, who I thought woud be there, suddenly disappear – I have a change of perspective and this shall intensify, as I go along.

One highlight during this experience so far, is Nick, who I used to date 20 years ago. He lives 11 time zones away, yet is becoming one of my major pillars during this time. Maybe because of the distance, I can easier talk to him than to my friends close by. Thank you for being there!

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23 September 2017

Another visit to the wig shop… this time I bring along Markus and the kids and my cousin Sylvie. I am aware that I have to pay some extra to have a nicer wig, but the one I like is €1.600 !!??!! It is not even real hair… WOW! If I should ever loose my hair permanently, I know where to go now, but considering that this is only for 6 months and I am not even sure, if I will ever wear it, I go for a cheaper option 😉

22 September 2017

Leo and I go to CUT to make the transitions from curls to bald as smoothly as possible – especially for the kids. Maja cuts a bit off and Leo as well. It is a fun event and I love my pixie cut – pity I will only have it for a week or so…. I am really touched, when Anna doesn’t want to charge me ❤️ Thank you!

This is the day I post my story in Facebook and I am overwhelmed by the love and support, which I get from everywhere around the world!

The reason I spread the news is not only to make people aware, but also to let them know that this is a normal part of my life now and that they can openly talk to me about it – additionally they will not be shocked, when I am suddenly bald 😉 and since I talk a lot anyway, it would be weird to not talk about this either – it actually helps me a lot as well to cope with it!

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21 September 2017

It is always one week after chemo that I will get the blood levels checked – they check the leukozyten, HB and Thrombozyten and all is ok. My collegue Miri is getting married and I managed for her not to find out yet that I am ill – lovely weeding!

I actually cannot sleep very well, as my shoulder (the one where the port is) cramps at night and the sentinels are still swollen – what really really helped me though was to sleep on a hot water bottle for a few nights. Prof. Dr. Breidenbach sends me to have lymph drainage, which should help with the numb bits around the sentinels and the left arm as well.

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20 September 2017

Fiffy time – we try some of the wigs, which were ordered for me. Artificial hair wigs have all different feels and colors – you can even get them with grown out roots or a few grey hairs in them 😉

They measure your head, try to match your hair, then they order a wig, cut it to match your style and add the waves – you wash it by hand and put it on a rag to dry… if it is real hair, you have to put it on curlers each time you wash it… obviously no option!

Reading the „Why does Mom wear a cap during summer“ book gets a bit easier… I still cry now and then, but Leo and I get into a routine and he wants to read it all the time now.

Steffi’s first day with us – she will be with us five days a week, four hours a day to help with the household and kids – she is half italian and can cook 🙂

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18 September 2017

I am at PAN Klinik to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach for a post operation check-up. There is this bald girl waiting with me and I ask about her hat in order to start a conversation, as she seems nice – meet Katja – we are the same age, she also has a small child and we happen to both have the chemos in pioh on Thursdays…. we quickly exchange numbers – yipehhh, found myself a chemo buddy!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach tells me that the sentinals were ok – this is excellent news!!! The cancer has not spread in the rest of my body and from what she can see on the ultrasound, the tumor is softer already, which means the chemo is doing it’s job… yipehhhh again!

The bad news is that the second tumor was also aggressive, which means that the whole breast is actually effected and will probably need to be removed and they don’t know, if they can keep the nipple. Whatever needs to be removed, will be removed, but as far as I am concerned, I will do one step at a time and concentrate on the chemo first.

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17 September 2017

Saturday was busy – I had the feeling that we should have a picture taken of the family while I still have hair…. which we did – after a 3rd birthday breakfast and before meeting some Moms for a post 3rd birthday get together…maybe I should slow down 😉

Today is the Muddy Angel Run – it is for breast cancer awareness and I was registered with the running moms, but obviously should not dive into mud – therefore another mom took my place. I am so tired that I only arrive after they finished the run, but hey, at least I made it. Today is definitely the most tired day I had so far… and I still feel sick! Sleeping changes as well with chemo – I should drink a lot, but also am awake a lot…it is all a bit similar to being pregnant – though I would rather be pregnant 😉 Gosh, I always wanted to have three or four kids, but that will not happen anymore! I actually asked the doctor and I will probably move straight into menopause after chemo – what an outlook….

This is for you, Alex! – LAUFMAMAs gegen Brustkrebs

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15 September 2017

I have to go back for an injection to stimulate the white blood cell production and get some more infusions of NaCl and Cortisone… I actually feel alright though – still a bit sick, but not too bad! We will see how the weekend goes 😉

I have received so many flowers, presents and cards and appreciate every single one of them! I get little care packages and even people I do not know too well, touch me.

There is a tumor conference once a month – this is where all the experts meet including Prof. Dr. Warm, Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, Dr. Reiser, etc… they discuss each of their patients and decide together which course they will take.I really feel that I am in good hands.

Chemo makes funny things with you – I feel very unsettled, am tired, but cannot sleep, am very emotional, sentimental and am hot and cold. You need to drink plenty to flush the poison out of your body and therefore run to the toilet all the time. Suddenly I cannot stand coffee anymore and they say anything that you eat during chemo, you wont’t like anymore afterwards?

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Thank you to my colleague Inga for all the funny pictures!
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My brother’s reaction 😉

14 September 2017

Actually this would have been officially my first day back at work after maternity leave and instead I have chemo number 1 – ohhh, I am nervous! I have a large müsli (ask they told me I should), drink a lot of ginger water (as Elke recommended), pack snacks, the Headspace meditation app activate3d (as Olivia recommended) and something to read, did download a few movies (decided that it is worth it now to be an Amazon Prime member 😉 and call the taxi. It is dmexco fair and you cannot pre-order one.

Well, it is always the same – when there is dmexco or anuga, everything breaks down in Cologne and therefore I stand for 30 minutes outside the house and wait…. well, as if it wasn’t enough for my nerves to have my first chemo day, I am also 30 minutes late for it….AAHHHH!

First they test my blood – the port under my skin has a little membrane, so they can just take it from there. All fine and now they connect me to the tubes… the port is round and flat and while I have to inhale, they bang the matching counterpart on top of it (my skin is stuck in between and the needle in this pieces goes through the membrane). BAM!

They first flush the port with NaCl and then I am ready to have all these infusions go into my body. There is also cortisone and other medications and then they give me the red one – that is poison number 1 and it should go to the loo beforehand, as it is very agressive and I am not allowed to move while it is running into my body. „Ready for the Campari?“ the chemo nurse is actually really nice and makes me feel relaxed about this whole thing.

After four hours I am ready to go home  with a bag full of medication to cope with any possible side effects. Mom has made chicken soup…. I am sooo tired!

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