22 September 2017

Leo and I go to CUT to make the transitions from curls to bald as smoothly as possible – especially for the kids. Maja cuts a bit off and Leo as well. It is a fun event and I love my pixie cut – pity I will only have it for a week or so…. I am really touched, when Anna doesn’t want to charge me ❀ Thank you!

This is the day I post my story in Facebook and I am overwhelmed by the love and support, which I get from everywhere around the world!

The reason I spread the news is not only to make people aware, but also to let them know that this is a normal part of my life now and that they can openly talk to me about it – additionally they will not be shocked, when I am suddenly bald 😉 and since I talk a lot anyway, it would be weird to not talk about this either – it actually helps me a lot as well to cope with it!

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21 September 2017

It is always one week after chemo that I will get the blood levels checked – they check the leukozyten, HB and Thrombozyten and all is ok. My collegue Miri is getting married and I managed for her not to find out yet that I am ill – lovely weeding!

I actually cannot sleep very well, as my shoulder (the one where the port is) cramps at night and the sentinels are still swollen – what really really helped me though was to sleep on a hot water bottle for a few nights. Prof. Dr. Breidenbach sends me to have lymph drainage, which should help with the numb bits around the sentinels and the left arm as well.

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20 September 2017

Fiffy time – we try some of the wigs, which were ordered for me. Artificial hair wigs have all different feels and colors – you can even get them with grown out roots or a few grey hairs in them 😉

They measure your head, try to match your hair, then they order a wig, cut it to match your style and add the waves – you wash it by hand and put it on a rag to dry… if it is real hair, you have to put it on curlers each time you wash it… obviously no option!

Reading the „Why does Mom wear a cap during summer“ book gets a bit easier… I still cry now and then, but Leo and I get into a routine and he wants to read it all the time now.

Steffi’s first day with us – she will be with us five days a week, four hours a day to help with the household and kids – she is half italian and can cook 🙂

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18 September 2017

I am at PAN Klinik to see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach for a post operation check-up. There is this bald girl waiting with me and I ask about her hat in order to start a conversation, as she seems nice – meet Katja – we are the same age, she also has a small child and we happen to both have the chemos in pioh on Thursdays…. we quickly exchange numbers – yipehhh, found myself a chemo buddy!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach tells me that the sentinals were ok – this is excellent news!!! The cancer has not spread in the rest of my body and from what she can see on the ultrasound, the tumor is softer already, which means the chemo is doing it’s job… yipehhhh again!

The bad news is that the second tumor was also aggressive, which means that the whole breast is actually effected and will probably need to be removed and they don’t know, if they can keep the nipple. Whatever needs to be removed, will be removed, but as far as I am concerned, I will do one step at a time and concentrate on the chemo first.

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17 September 2017

Saturday was busy – I had the feeling that we should have a picture taken of the family while I still have hair…. which we did – after a 3rd birthday breakfast and before meeting some Moms for a post 3rd birthday get together…maybe I should slow down 😉

Today is the Muddy Angel Run – it is for breast cancer awareness and I was registered with the running moms, but obviously should not dive into mud – therefore another mom took my place. I am so tired that I only arrive after they finished the run, but hey, at least I made it. Today is definitely the most tired day I had so far… and I still feel sick! Sleeping changes as well with chemo – I should drink a lot, but also am awake a lot…it is all a bit similar to being pregnant – though I would rather be pregnant 😉 Gosh, I always wanted to have three or four kids, but that will not happen anymore! I actually asked the doctor and I will probably move straight into menopause after chemo – what an outlook….

This is for you, Alex! – LAUFMAMAs gegen Brustkrebs

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15 September 2017

I have to go back for an injection to stimulate the white blood cell production and get some more infusions of NaCl and Cortisone… I actually feel alright though – still a bit sick, but not too bad! We will see how the weekend goes 😉

I have received so many flowers, presents and cards and appreciate every single one of them! I get little care packages and even people I do not know too well, touch me.

There is a tumor conference once a month – this is where all the experts meet including Prof. Dr. Warm, Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, Dr. Reiser, etc… they discuss each of their patients and decide together which course they will take.I really feel that I am in good hands.

Chemo makes funny things with you – I feel very unsettled, am tired, but cannot sleep, am very emotional, sentimental and am hot and cold. You need to drink plenty to flush the poison out of your body and therefore run to the toilet all the time. Suddenly I cannot stand coffee anymore and they say anything that you eat during chemo, you wont’t like anymore afterwards?

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Thank you to my colleague Inga for all the funny pictures!
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My brother’s reaction 😉

14 September 2017

Actually this would have been officially my first day back at work after maternity leave and instead I have chemo number 1 – ohhh, I am nervous! I have a large mĂŒsli (ask they told me I should), drink a lot of ginger water (as Elke recommended), pack snacks, the Headspace meditation app activate3d (as Olivia recommended) and something to read, did download a few movies (decided that it is worth it now to be an Amazon Prime member 😉 and call the taxi. It is dmexco fair and you cannot pre-order one.

Well, it is always the same – when there is dmexco or anuga, everything breaks down in Cologne and therefore I stand for 30 minutes outside the house and wait…. well, as if it wasn’t enough for my nerves to have my first chemo day, I am also 30 minutes late for it….AAHHHH!

First they test my blood – the port under my skin has a little membrane, so they can just take it from there. All fine and now they connect me to the tubes… the port is round and flat and while I have to inhale, they bang the matching counterpart on top of it (my skin is stuck in between and the needle in this pieces goes through the membrane). BAM!

They first flush the port with NaCl and then I am ready to have all these infusions go into my body. There is also cortisone and other medications and then they give me the red one – that is poison number 1 and it should go to the loo beforehand, as it is very agressive and I am not allowed to move while it is running into my body. „Ready for the Campari?“ the chemo nurse is actually really nice and makes me feel relaxed about this whole thing.

After four hours I am ready to go home  with a bag full of medication to cope with any possible side effects. Mom has made chicken soup…. I am sooo tired!

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13 September 2017

I speak to the Taxi company „TaxiRuf Köln“ in order to get everything ready for my free taxi rides – they are insisting that I see them at the other end of town and I can barely talk, as I have two screaming kids. I am frustrated and try to arrange everything…. thank god, she calls back later to tell me that I can actually send it to them as well! Off to LaufMamaLauf (my wonderful running Mamas) again! I cannot do any arm excercises, but all the rest and it feels so good!

In the afternoon I join the „look good, feel better“ make-up course in Holweide. „Why Do you have so much hair?“ well, I am one of the only ones, who do this one day pre chemo 😉

Parminder is in her late 20s and has very short hair, which looks very soft like baby hair – she had finished the chemo in May…. OMG after chemo it takes this long for a little bit of baby hair to grow!??! She also told me that the lashes and eyebrown were first grey, when they grew back – well, they tell us how to put eyebrow makeup on without having eyebrows!

One lady looked really tired when we started and was glowing by the end – it might as well have been the huge bag with complimentary make-up though, which you get.

I managed to get a last minute dental cleaning appointment afterwards – apparently it is fundamental that your teeth are alright and I am grateful.

My friend Andrea tells me about Tatjana Richartz. She is a hair and make-up artist, who used to work for the movies and now has a little salon with hair, make-up and wigs. I have an appointment the same evening.

They are amazing and I cancel the appointment in the grim wig shop straight away.

Talking about wigs. The insurance only pays the minimum of €350, which seems a lot, but if you get something in this range, you look like a playmobil woman. Therefore I will face to pay a bit more, but that is ok.

So many people want to help and Eva said that a regular schedule helps a lot… I think about it and select a few people who I put into the What’s App group „Alex needs help“. This way I have a single point of contact, if I need quickly help with something and they can decide amongst themselves, who could help – with all this in the back of my mind, I think I am ready for chemo No. 1 ….

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12 September 2017

The tiler is here early early and Leo gets all excited and meets him with helmet and all his tools, ready to assist. Bless!

Off I go again to Holweide – bone scintigraphy! Oh joy, once again they inject some radioactive substance and I need to wait for three hours until they can check my bones.

I visit Elke, who is still in B5 and have my first meeting with Beate Rahn, the psycho oncologist – she seems a bit tired and I have the feeling that I should cheer her up, but listen to her. I shall concentrate on my healty cells and come up with images how they protect themselves from the red poison, e.g. wearing raincoats and rubberboots. That sounds a bit boring… well, I worked on cruiseship and my little green healthy cells will go on a cruise and have a lovely time during cocktail parties, while being safe from the poison. Whoohoo!

Back to the nuclear medical department – they check the bones and the doctor … it is the nice one again and I should get his name… says that my bones look ‚unused‘.

I go downtown to our office and have a quick lunch with my colleagues Bernadette and Sonja before meeting my kindergarten friend Lars to go wig shopping. Mom and our babysitter Lilli take care of the kids.

Meeting Lars is often as if we had just seen each other and instead of wig shopping, we just chat away in a cafe.

I enter one of the recommened wig shops by myself afterwards and find out that you actually need an appointment… but the place is scary and very dusty.

I decide to go for dinner to „XII Aposteln“ by myself and catch up on the paperwork – being German I got myself a huge folder for my cancer project 😉

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Lars