Autumn is gone… it is wet, grey, misty and melancholy is ascending…. I need jolly Christmas music, Glühwein, cookies and Christmas markets…. bring it on.

A year ago I was with pneumonia in hospital one day after my company’s Christmas bash , lonely and sad and forced to calm down and face my feelings. It was a sad time, but it made me stronger… this all makes me stronger!

One year on, history is not repeating itself…. there were dreadful cancer news and one of my closest friends hurt me today, but this time I am strong enough to not let it drag me down! Everyone has their little package….I am busy enough carrying my own and therefore I am diving into the annual cookie baking bash with my cousin and her kids…. but one thing is sure: cancer – I hate you and all your unfairness!

Yesterday Blogger4Charity officially opened their first office…. it was a small crowd, but the rooms were filled with all these heart people!

Supporting this charity – initiated by Natalie – is a heartfelt matter, as there is not only full commitment to raise awareness for cancer and make people look after themselves, but so much love and attention to detail, which flow into each initiative. They organise events to raise money, they support DKMS LIFE and the German Youth Cancer Trust, run their own patient projects, support & motivate and even plan a festival next summer!

They afternoon was filled with love and happiness and the musical performance by Constanze, Alicia & Noel was breathtaking. I had to cry, as they sang „This is me„, which has become the anthem of Blogger4Charity and brings back the memories and emotions from the first event I attended in Düsseldorf…. the love, the tears and the bond between us cancer patients and all the #Blogger4Charitycrew .. and then there is always Kim, 30, who passed away on New Year’s Day. Kim inspired Natalie, who is a cancer survivor herself, to start Blogger4Charity …. I first heard about her the day she past away, but the sudden death of this young, positive and inspiring woman shattered my little cancer world. Check out the Blogger4Charity film and you will understand and see the magic….I dry my tears and am thankful for these people and connections ❤️

And now they have a little space exclusive to Blogger4Charity! Go and check them out!

Weather update – rain rain rain and I get up with the kids and we just enjoy being at home ❤️ Sometimes I am distracted – in fact quite often…, but I am aiming to be more in the here and now… especially with my kids!

Sabrina & Marlene pick me up to go to the first Blogger4Charity crew office opening and we are excited! What a milestone for this wonderful charity…. not only is it a heartfelt matter to support them, but it is wonderful to see all the familiar faces again!

I am still overwhelmed from the DKMS day yesterday …. Sunday will be a quiet day!

Wow – what a day! DKMS LIFE invited 23 of their their #encouragementcrew for a first get together! Wow – I knew a few from other events and am honoured to be part of this group of amazing women…. we all have different stories, yet we are all connected, click straight away and together we want to support DKMS LIFE for more patients to participate in their seminars and have many other ideas…. watch this space! The Leonardo Hotel was the perfect location, Boris Entrup supported and did a make-up seminar, while we had pictures taken and brainstormed away!

I need to let it sink and will have dinner with a few of the girls ❤️ Thank you, DKMS LIFE!

Before going to my alternative practitioner, I need a quick coffee date…. we have another kindergarten friend over at ours and then I have the evening off. Yavi Hameister invited me to the lecture of her first book and I cannot wait to hear it and to personally meet her, as we only know each other from Instagram, but I feel quite connected having heard about her eating disorder and the constant endeavour to be loved 😉

Throwback Thursday to my summers with my cousins in Austria ❤️

Yes it was a relaxing day until I changed my bandaged and decided to get the finger checked out again and was sent to ER… two hours and a new splint later I am good to go and rushing to kindergarten ….

I am having an admin nightmare…. my pension funds are being reviewed starting way back in the 90s…. my rehab is an administration nightmare and chances are next to nothing that I can go to St. Peter Ording with Paula 😢 and I am working with my insurance company to get the extra payments waived for 2017 and 2018 and it looks like I have no chance for 2017…. ahhhh! Cancer admin work is like a part time job and one I am not keen on doing 😉

Did I mention that I also have two kids at home today?!? Thank goodness, my mum arrived late last night to help out ❤️

My psychological onchologist tells me that I do too much and I should stop comparing my new normal to my old normal….. hmmm…. I am in bed by 8pm most of the nights, hardly go out, reduced my coffee dates to a minimum, but feel that if I further reduce it, I do nothing else but doctor visits and children…. hmmm! Am I suppressing my fears and emotions?!?! … I think about it and look after Mia, who could not go to Kindergarten today 🤔

I have a quiet and easy morning, a long breakfast, read the paper – I think I have not done this for at least a year… I check out, sit in the lobby in the sun, read, write – enjoy the moment!

Art Düsseldorf?!? No, I prefer my own company, can let my mind wander…. I see a Drive Now convertible parked outside the hotel and drive home instead of taking the train…. because I can do anything I want!

This cancer journey has so far been the most intensive experience ever. I am getting to know myself more and more and discover new sides, a more mindful me and see that there is so much more I want to do – and I meditate again – finally! I just needed this little time out more than I though! Thank you HRG colleagues – you are the best!!

Back in my family life, I drop off Leo at a birthday bash and have an ice cream with Mia and Markus, but my finger is throbbing since Friday and swollen and somehow I am a bit weak…. I leave them st the playground and ride my bike home to rest…. I am knackered! But why?!? Probably my cancer fatigue knocking on my door again 😉… oh whatever!

Time out – me time…. I am in Düsseldorf redeeming a voucher my colleagues gave to me – one night in the Radisson Blu Media Habour and I love it!

I kind of did not want to be without the kids, but now that I am here, all is fine… I browse through the city, meet Nina and Lilli for the one year anniversary of the joemerino.com shop Nina works at…. she is my ex neighbour, friend and mother of one of our babysitters – since we never meet in Cologne we do it here. There is fingerfood, champagne and coffee paired with nice company!

Leaving them I feel a bit lonely, but make the most of my date with myself! Let’s see what I will do tonight – maybe just lay in bed, read, watch TV, sleep ….Let’s see, if I manage to visit the Art Düsseldorf tomorrow – no plans yet and breakfast until 11… just me, myself and I ❤️