I am back in my cancer routines, but I should rename them to just doctors‘ runs, I guess….

I am a bit sentimental, as today is my last visit to my onchologist…. I have a good bye present and remember, when I last said good bye in February after what I then thought was my last chemo…. but this time I hope that I leave for good… no third time lucky 😉

Thank you for making it such a nice experience, for all the tips, cuddles and laughs…. if I ever need an onchologist again, I will go to Pioh again!

The weather is dreadful and I just cannot see myself going to the Christmas markets…. tomorrow will be too warm for Christmas markets…. but it will be dry…. now, that are first world problems!

Today is THE day!! 15 months of active treatment are over… the last chemo pills are waiting for me tonight!

4 EC chemo

12 T Chemos

3 operations

1 pneumonia

1 thrombosis

1 mouth sore

Colds & bone aches & pains paired with emotional rollercoaster rides…

28 radiations

1 stretcher torn with a splintered bone

8 cycles of Xeloda chemo pills

The list is long, but active treatment is coming to an end and I only have the aftermaths… I am waiting for check-ups in December, the removal of the screws in my finger in January, which is hopefully followed by rehab…. and then I need to find my new normal – a life without a household aid and with a job…. already the thought overwhelms me, but I hope by February/ March I will be strong enough to balance what I have to do with what I actually can do…. Pfew!

There are certainly positive side effects though:

I know myself better and I listen to my body more and more, try to be more mindful, am awefully grateful for what I have and try not to think about what I don’t have… I rearranged my circle of friends and gained a lot of new friends! I learned how to use Instagram and it became me self help group, while I discovered this strong cancer community and its supporters, which means the world to me! I do charity work now and love it and feel that I am doing meaningful things…. I am more in the here and now and try to no longer think about the past and only a little bit about the future. I follow my heart and am open to fully live my potential, I want to take more risks and OK is not good enough any more….. watch this space, I am only starting 😉

And I learned how to say NO!

No to too much work

No to too much negativity

No to people who use me

No to things I don’t REALLY want…

Mia and I will open the Christmas market season today and the last pills will be taken with Glühwein!

It’s ok not to be ok, but you need to know how to pick yourself up again…. two bottles of wine and a great evening with friends are my remedy…. I know that I am enough, lovable and unique – I do it my way, will continue to love unconditionally, will continue to believe in the good nature of people and will only do what I want. Nobody can take that away from me!

This morning is me time… I am tired and my head is super heavy (now, that wasn’t a big surprise… today I feel my age… a bit 😉).

Starting at lunchtime, I need to see the podologist, take my kids to the hairdresser, which always seem to be a massive drama, when both go…. and I still need to break the news to Mia that my haircut is not what she is getting today… We will skip Leo’s kids gymnastics, as tonight is my company’s Christmas bash, which I can only join during the warm-up, as I signed up for a special goose dinner with the Sauerland bunch, who I probably have not seen for six month.

Tomorrow will be calm again, but I am planning my first Christmas market visit 🤔

Enjoy that special time of the year and if you love someone, say it…. spread the love without thinking about reactions, consequences or rejection! Do something nice for someone else without expectations! ❤️ It makes you vulnerable, yes, but if we always try not to get hurt, we don’t go anywhere….

Autumn is gone… it is wet, grey, misty and melancholy is ascending…. I need jolly Christmas music, Glühwein, cookies and Christmas markets…. bring it on.

A year ago I was with pneumonia in hospital one day after my company’s Christmas bash , lonely and sad and forced to calm down and face my feelings. It was a sad time, but it made me stronger… this all makes me stronger!

One year on, history is not repeating itself…. there were dreadful cancer news and one of my closest friends hurt me today, but this time I am strong enough to not let it drag me down! Everyone has their little package….I am busy enough carrying my own and therefore I am diving into the annual cookie baking bash with my cousin and her kids…. but one thing is sure: cancer – I hate you and all your unfairness!

Yesterday Blogger4Charity officially opened their first office…. it was a small crowd, but the rooms were filled with all these heart people!

Supporting this charity – initiated by Natalie – is a heartfelt matter, as there is not only full commitment to raise awareness for cancer and make people look after themselves, but so much love and attention to detail, which flow into each initiative. They organise events to raise money, they support DKMS LIFE and the German Youth Cancer Trust, run their own patient projects, support & motivate and even plan a festival next summer!

They afternoon was filled with love and happiness and the musical performance by Constanze, Alicia & Noel was breathtaking. I had to cry, as they sang „This is me„, which has become the anthem of Blogger4Charity and brings back the memories and emotions from the first event I attended in Düsseldorf…. the love, the tears and the bond between us cancer patients and all the #Blogger4Charitycrew .. and then there is always Kim, 30, who passed away on New Year’s Day. Kim inspired Natalie, who is a cancer survivor herself, to start Blogger4Charity …. I first heard about her the day she past away, but the sudden death of this young, positive and inspiring woman shattered my little cancer world. Check out the Blogger4Charity film and you will understand and see the magic….I dry my tears and am thankful for these people and connections ❤️

And now they have a little space exclusive to Blogger4Charity! Go and check them out!

Weather update – rain rain rain and I get up with the kids and we just enjoy being at home ❤️ Sometimes I am distracted – in fact quite often…, but I am aiming to be more in the here and now… especially with my kids!

Sabrina & Marlene pick me up to go to the first Blogger4Charity crew office opening and we are excited! What a milestone for this wonderful charity…. not only is it a heartfelt matter to support them, but it is wonderful to see all the familiar faces again!

I am still overwhelmed from the DKMS day yesterday …. Sunday will be a quiet day!

Wow – what a day! DKMS LIFE invited 23 of their their #encouragementcrew for a first get together! Wow – I knew a few from other events and am honoured to be part of this group of amazing women…. we all have different stories, yet we are all connected, click straight away and together we want to support DKMS LIFE for more patients to participate in their seminars and have many other ideas…. watch this space! The Leonardo Hotel was the perfect location, Boris Entrup supported and did a make-up seminar, while we had pictures taken and brainstormed away!

I need to let it sink and will have dinner with a few of the girls ❤️ Thank you, DKMS LIFE!

Before going to my alternative practitioner, I need a quick coffee date…. we have another kindergarten friend over at ours and then I have the evening off. Yavi Hameister invited me to the lecture of her first book and I cannot wait to hear it and to personally meet her, as we only know each other from Instagram, but I feel quite connected having heard about her eating disorder and the constant endeavour to be loved 😉

Throwback Thursday to my summers with my cousins in Austria ❤️

Yes it was a relaxing day until I changed my bandaged and decided to get the finger checked out again and was sent to ER… two hours and a new splint later I am good to go and rushing to kindergarten ….

I am having an admin nightmare…. my pension funds are being reviewed starting way back in the 90s…. my rehab is an administration nightmare and chances are next to nothing that I can go to St. Peter Ording with Paula 😢 and I am working with my insurance company to get the extra payments waived for 2017 and 2018 and it looks like I have no chance for 2017…. ahhhh! Cancer admin work is like a part time job and one I am not keen on doing 😉

Did I mention that I also have two kids at home today?!? Thank goodness, my mum arrived late last night to help out ❤️