Flashbacks…. but good ones! I am in St. Vinzenz Hospital for the preparations for my operation tomorrow and the ambulant treatment center is in fact the former maternity ward, which closed down last year!

This is where I had Leo and Mia, the bench I am sitting on, I was last sitting with contractions before having Leo – when nobody thought I had any and I had the regular pre anaestetic talks for a c-section a few day later …. and that evening I had my first baby!

I bump into nurse Esmeralda… she is still here…. and I am full of nostalgia, when I realize that it is actually the palliative ward though which I am strolling casually. I choke and there it is again – my cancer world…. I think about bone metas and quickly push that thought away! It is just a torn tendon and a shattered bone…. that’s it!

Four hours later I leave the hospital with the information that they will put screws in my finger…. Oups…. that is something I did not expect and yes, the need to be removed in December… I guess I underestimated the whole thing, but hey, at least it did not spoil my cruise!

The treatment treadmill has me back though…. I need to schedule physio therapy and lymph drainage, need to see the alternative practitioner, go to therapy, my onchologist and the gynecologist …. and the dentist, while there is a pile of paperwork waiting…. that will do 😉

Highlight of my day – the lantern procession in Kindergarten for St. Martin’s day… with horse, music and excited kids, who cannot wait to show me the lanterns they made (yes, I have seen them already, but who cares)…. I want the smell of fire, Glühwein and horses, the bras music that somehow always brings tears to my eyes, kids with cold noses and all smiles, while the lanterns swing in the wind. We used to have real candles, when I was a child with at least a couple of lanterns on fire and crying kids … we still have torches though for the smell and therefore there are no sentimental feelings having electric lights, but rather a relief that I don’t have to deal with fire dramas today…. I certainly hope so…. and I realize that I still need to get winter boots for the kids 🤦‍♀️

Next highlight?!? I loooove Christmas and the next weeks will be decoration blasts, cookie baking orgies, singing, drinking, making calendars…. I love it! End of the month the Christmas markets open …. whooohooo and since I spent last year in hospital, I will live it up this year and then I can recover in rehab with Paula… oh, wait…. not really 😂

I am on the bus from Southampton to Heathrow, it is a grey rainy day and the county is imbedded in fog. I see the Victorian brick buildings framed in the autumn foliage pass by and my head and heart are overflowing with happy memories from my trip down memory lane.

Tracy, Ruud and Peter – Ex QE2 and now head office – come to see us during breakfast…. I am overwhelmed… the time is too short. As we say our good byes in the midship lobby, it seems like we just arrived and at the same time it could have easily been 10 days…. thank goodness for social medial that we are all in touch and the next reunion is on the horizon!

Yvonne and Phil – also Ex QE2 – pick us up from the ship for a coffee, more catching up…. I am tired! And I drift off as the bus hits the M3…. bye bye Southampton I need to come back to properly catch up with everyone here ❤️ and I need to do that transatlantic I wanted to do for years!

We stop in Winchester and the Irish guy Fergus pops-up on my mind, who boarded this bus in autumn of 1999, as I was going from the ship to Ealing to pick up my last stuff, pack my 2CV and drive it back to Germany to joint the QE2 for another contract, as my summer job onboard had finished and they wanted me to return as a permanent crew member… he also lived in Ealing, we chatted the entire way on the bus, basically spend the weekend together and he helped me pack the car…. I wish I had met him earlier, when still living in Ealing…. we promised to stay in touch, but email just started and being onboard for years, we just lost touch…. I wonder what he is doing now!

Tomorrow I am back in Cancerville, getting prepared for my operation on Tuesday, but for now, I am strolling along memory lane for just a little bit longer ❤️

In Bruges…. is a great movie, but means so much more to me.

Matthieu passed away two years ago…. metastatic cancer….. and I never managed to visit him in Bruges… why not?! I don’t know. Setting priorities wrongly, I guess, never having enough time, constantly running behind schedule?

For five years, I knew he would probably die, but he did not and I maybe did not want to realize that this could actually happen. He came to see me regularly in Cologne, I visited him in Brussels, we met in Italy to spend wonderful days in the countryside. I loved that guy and from one day to the other he was gone…. and I could not go to the funeral.

But today I meet his brother Vincent and he takes Muriel and myself to his grave… I could just constantly cry, but try my best to pull myself together. I miss him, his humor and teasing… I feel close to him being with his brother though and meet Cecile and her husband – family friends, who Matthieu lived with most of the time before he passed away. There is Matthieu’s baseball cap in the hallway on the little side table and I get all choked up…

I am exhausted when we return onboard… it is so emotional, but I feel good and a bit closer to him, but my heart hurts….

We will enjoy our last night onboard now – off we go to afternoon tea, enjoy each other’s company and live the moment!

I am so happy to be part of this Cunard family…. these friendships and memories are just so amazing and we all float on little clouds through the day… but I take it easy, enjoy the time I sit on deck and ready – ok, I really wanted to look out on the sea, while doing it instead of overlooking the docks of Zeebrugge, but I still enjoy it!

Maureen, who was Social Hostess onboard QE2 with us, gives a lecture on her life onboard Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth. She had her 80th birthday, but did not change a bit – I love her elegant way paired with her sarcasm and humour! Thanks for tanking is on this nostalgic journey of telexes, switchboards, steamertrunks, afternoon teas in Art Deco and G&T cabin parties disguised as afternoon tea, Lady Ryan – you are a legend!

The life at sea bonds you forever…. you work together, live together, party and cry together and you are friends for life ❤️

I just say „Feel it on the first“, check your boobs and look after yourself ….and now, I am off cruising to Belgium…. whooohooo – so exciting to be back onboard Queen Mary 2 and see all the crew I used to work with on the different ships ❤️

London, my love, thanks for bringing back all these wonderful memories …. the smell of the tube, the poppy vendors, brick buildings, cider, pub food, the busy and the calm, catching up with Muriel and seeing Rob after probably more than 15 years! I go with the flow, decide to skip the museum, as the weather is gorgeous…. I go the first time on top of St. Paul’s cathedral – as a student the entrance was too expensive – I was always broke as a student – but now it’s free with the handicapped ID…. I know, but there need to be advantages, right?!?

London makes me feel at home… the accent, the vibes, the diversity – but so also had lonely and hard times here! It is the spectrum of emotions, but we are off to Southampton soon – ready to take a another turn on my trip down memory lane! I love it!

It was Secondary Breastcancer (SBC) Day this month and there is the need for a post on this subject, as there seems to be confusion and misconception …. what is that? It simply means that the cancer spread to other parts of the body and is also known as metastatic breast cancer (MBC)…. in other words, it is a stage IV breast cancer and something you just don’t want to hear! A recurrence is if you get another tumor in the same spot, not a metastasis….

Getting a diagnosis like this, means it can be treated, but it cannot be cured and these patients look at a life long treatment in order to keep the growth of the tumor down or even make it disappear. This does not mean the end though – some people live with it for a many years and there is a lot of hope. There were a few new diagnosis of metastasis amongst us and it scares all of us, but we need to raise awareness and these ladies I know, are incredibly inspiring and I don’t know how I would cope with a diagnosis like this, but it can happen to all of us… it is lurking around the corner and scares the hell out of me!

There are a lot of women living with it for years…. I apparently inspired my friend Nick to shoot a portrait series of breast cancer patients and the organisation he worked with to realize this project is called Sweet Louise based in New Zealand supporting secondary breast cancer patients. Research is advancing more and more to hopefully find a cure one day!

Check out the film on my IGTV channel on SBC by Tickingoffbreastcancer or on their website to see these incredible women – it is only over when it’s over and there is always hope ❤️

Welcome back to my cancer routines….. my aim – trying to maintain my new level of awareness through everyday life. Thank goodness my trial period is only two days long, as tomorrow I am off to London.

My guilty conscious is knocking on the door – I am leaving the kids again for another five nights…. but this trip down memory lane with 30 odd ex QE2 crew was booked more than two years ago and I cannot wait…. one night in a London and then off to Southampton! 1- 4 November will be spent onboard QM2 and it is also a trip back to my diagnosis….

26 August 2017, when I felt the knot in my breast, I was in the shower in a London hotel, getting ready to travel down to Southampton for a QE2 reunion …. but history won’t repeat itself! I am on my way to re-write it!

London is always sentimental, as I studied there, love it, had lovely business trips, met the key men in my life there – Markus and Nick – had the weirdest hair colours, cool jobs …

When you think that all is going according to plan, it is bound to change – my onchologist wants me to get an x-ray of my finger …. off to Pan clinic and I am lucky, they fit me in…. as I sit there waiting I have flash backs to the 31 August 2017, when I was waiting for my mammogram just before getting my diagnosis -breast cancer…. and I was here to get a CT of my thorax due to endless coughing…. I was diagnosed with pneumonia and only then, when the doctor gave me the results, I realize that they suspected metastasis…. third time lucky?!? Let’s see…. to use the time efficiently, I distribute #gibachtaufdich stickers and pins to the onchology staff and the radiology team. Waiting waiting waiting …. but I am happy that they squeeze me in 😉

The extensor is torn and there is a little piece of bone next to it, which should not be there…. I should see my doctor…great! I rush to pick up the kids and have the next appointment at 5pm…. did I mention that I have not started packing?!? You didn’t really think I had started?!? The flight is only tomorrow afternoon – plenty of time left 😂

Therefore I spend the evening again waiting for a doctor – Story of my life ….

🎵🎶🎵 Got my mojo workin’… 🎵🎶🎵 – the difference to the last few months is amazing… I no longer go through my day in a Fatigue bubble…. I have energy! Not a lot, but enough to get easily through the day…. wow! Thank you, Avène ❤️

We visit Markus‘ niece and my heart melts – what a wonderful miracle it is…. I could hold her for ever! I will never have a baby again, but that’s ok – I am so happy for them!

The next charity on my list – last but by no means least – is Blogger4charity …. a heartfelt cause to support!

Natalie started this charity to use the range for a good cause being a young cancer survivor herself. Blogger4Charity wants anyone to look after themselves, go to the doctor, of something does not feel right and insist to be checked properly, as Kim, who passed New Year’s Eve shouted out with #kimscrew and this is how her message continues to echo through the social media channels!

It is a heartfelt affair for them, as Natalie and all her crew run Blogger4Charity unpaid while working full-time in their regular jobs. They create events to raise money for patient projects and charities like Young Adult Cancer or LookGoodFeelBetter run by DKMS LIFE with attention to detail and a heart full of love that it is overwhelming!

Check them out, follow them and watch out for the next event – they are planning a festival! Chapeau Blogger4Charity and all the supporters!

Sick and tired of my charity spam?!?! We cannot talk enough about cancer and raise awareness for everyone to look after themselves!