Old?!? Yes, I am 45 and I could easily be the mother to a 25 year old, but do I feel old?!? No! And really?!? 45 is not old…. older than 25 and 35, but far away from old….

Mädelsabende’s theme this week has triggered my thoughts though!

There were definitely a lot of moments in my life, when I feel old, especially during therapy, when your bones are stiff and you can hardly get out of bed or off the couch, walking like the hunchback of Notre Dame to my children’s room…. but overall…no!

When do I feel old? When I talk about a movie and the others only know the remake, when I try to explain to my kids that we had no internet or computers and when I see this morning a phone with a dial plate in music therapy room and actually know how to use it! Do you?!

The air is crispy and the sun beautiful and my mood lifts with every breath I take! I manage the morning ticking off my cancer itinerary with physio, music therapy and psycho therapist – ok, having had a cold and not eaten for almost four days, make me weak and almost faint in the tube, but I feel so much better, happily sing among in music therapy, cry during therapy and truly enjoy a corean food bowl before heading home!

Markus is sick now and just wants to sleep, Mia and Mum are at the Zoo and I will sleep before our household aid arrives! Have a good start into your week!

My cold is a bit better and I make an effort….

I try to bake a cake with the kids – had promised to do it for days and feel guilty – and feel that my energy drains and the bottom of the baking pan falls off – the springform literally springs – and the dough is all over the place…… just what I need 😉 I almost faint and go back to bed!

In the afternoon I finish the insurance paperwork though!!! Hurray! It isn’t complete, but the best I can do!

Baby steps! My mum is here now and so am back in bed and hopefully fit by tomorrow!

I forget the easiest things, am overstrained looking after my kids, exhausted and tired and yes, I could just stay at home apart from doctor appointments, but I would probably get depressed…. I try though, make an effort, take Mia along to physio without a shower and a child that resembles a dandelion clock. I really try, but already before lunchtime I let her watch tv, try to rest, my body hurts and I feel useless and the need to be alone.

Our household aid arrives in the early afternoon and I rest for thirty minutes, am shivering and steaming hot at the same time, but I need to pick up Leo… each step is suddenly a burden, my throat is sore and once we are at home, I collapse into bed and thank heavens for our household aid!

Mia moves her leg today 3 cm while sitting – I know it is a big trauma, but I wish I could send her to kindergarten…. Today, Leo has a play date today and I am taking Mia along to lymph drainage…..how shall I ever handle our normal life and working?!?! Markus is taking Mia along to the hairdressers now and I rest! I am so much better than last night, but it frustrates me tremendously … it might just be a flu, but my head is spinning!

I know I need time and I will take whatever time I need. And yes, I am longing for rehab to make me fit again!!

Guess having done sports for the first time since month can take some of the credit for my muscle aches 😉

#10yearchallenge #2008 #2018

2008 was a big year for me! I was dating Markus, but still going to sea, I had no kids and no obligations, but paid off the last bit of mortgage left on my little flat in cologne…my ex Nick contacted me after disappearing for ten years, I went skiing and I had a PAP IV smear test result, an operation to remove the mutated cells straight away and I got the info that it was NOT cancer! I travelled through India by myself to do yoga and meditate and quit my seagoing career from an Internet cafe in the Himalaya, had my 15 years highschool reunion (with Sandra), went to my first Octoberfest ever, started landlife working for HRG (and I am still with them), ran my first half marathon and prepared for my first marathon and finished the year with the best murder mystery dinner party at Anne’s house!

2018 was just as big, but differently – it made me stronger! I now have two kids with Markus and despite the fact that Nick supports me a lot though my chemo, I have to disappear out of his life! This time I have an operation to remove the last cancer cells, which the chemos did not kill, have 10 extra kilos, I travel to Bali to do yoga and meditate and go skiing, have my 25 year high school reunion (without Sandra), go to my first Dreamball charity event and love working with several cancer charities, complete the Muddy Angel run, try to stay fit and finish the year at Simone’s house with a lovely dinner, Mia and her broken thigh!

Alaaf!! I rocked today, dropped off Leo, took Mia along to my running Mamas, went shopping and got a trim and even managed my household aid cancelling and a dentist appointment…. I am exhausted, but as my cousin and her daughter entertain my kids, I quickly throw together a costume, as I have just been spontaneously invited to Stunksitzung – a kind of alternative mardi gras session – tonight! I am cancelling my get together with my hometown peeps and hit the town!

I have yet another sleepless night!

To be mindful is to name your feelings and to accept them and right now, there is grief and sadness, which are choking me and I am sobbing, as I read the words my late childhood friend Sandra’s husband sends me along with some beautiful pictures. It is unbelievable that she passed away almost a year ago and though I did not have a lot of contact with her over the past years, can easily ‚keep busy‘ and distract myself, I now see that I need more room for this grief, embrace the vulnerability, as pushing it away, just does not make it any better! Actually any grief, as death is something that scares the hell out of me!

I am supposed to meet Mary, another fellow cancer blogger, who I met during the Janssen blogger workshop last year and I postpone it…..anything else seems so far away and not important. I let Mia watch a little movie and let it out…. I cry my eyes out and any of my little issues, my paperwork worries, the costumes for the kids…. it all seems so little. My new filling hurts…. I need to see the dentist again tomorrow! Who cares!

I dry my tears and meet Mary….but I take Sandra along with me!

There is no rain and the sun is out…. oh, it feels so good! Pure bliss!

Mum stays until I finish Music therapy and see my psychologist, the builder is hopefully fixing our floor for the last time and I want to go out with the kids after Leo finishes kindergarten….

I try to do as much admin stuff as I can and otherwise, I will slowly start my week and start making costumes for Karneval….

Despite tiredness beyond belief, I have a sleepless night and thank goodness there is „Babylon Berlin„… I am completely hooked on this tv series – brilliant – and actually finish it!

My muscles are tense and my bones hurt…. and then I have the idea of the century! Since Friday I am allowed to swim again…. I spend the morning with the kids, while Markus is sleeping, but Mum is here and I get my swim gear ready just before lunchtime. Leo wants to join me and once Markus is up, we go to the pool! Oh what bliss…. I love the giggle and endless excitement despite shivering blue lips – we have some chips and enjoy our quality time together, as Mia had a lot of attention lately, and my tiredness is all worthwhile!

Markus picks up Leo in the early afternoon for me to peacefully swim a few laps… I enjoy it so much and my body has been longing for this. My finger did not allow me to touch any water or do any sports since October and I indulge in the tranquility of this underwater world. In a way it is like meditation – a mindfulness exercise I have been missing so much!

Now is the moment I can have some me time, as my Mum is here and Markus sister is visiting, so I decide to go to the sauna… just one round, which turns into two….but it has been ages! This is it…. the constant rain is perfect in this scenario and I sip a tea and live the moment. Mindfulness at it’s best.

It works wonders, as a tired, but awefully happy me rides her bike through the rain to return home into our family chaos!

When was the last time you took some time off?!?

Cancer connections – we could have met in a pub, at a party or through friends, but our mutual ‚friend‘ is cancer and we actually met at a Janssen cancer blogger workshop, as my friend Don blogs about his cancer on Facebook. These are the connections I am grateful for and one of the positive side effects that came along with cancer!

Today there is no room for cancer though…. Don shows my kids the police vehicles. One might have had the impression that my kids were not very excited, as Leo pretended to be asleep, but it was just too exciting to handle the situation…. Leo has already bragged about it at our neighbours and reported en detail 😉…. Thank you, Don!

I look forward to the second workshop with Janssen and any of our little get togethers.

A dreadful night, my baby girl in pain and I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but apparently it just needs some time….

I am happy that Recover your Smile send me some pictures to sheer me up and I am thrilled that there was yet another positive scan result amongst my cancer peeps!

Have a great weekend!