It is the big day, where Prof. Dr. Breidenbach checks the tumor!

She says that Katja told her already that I am doing really well and honestly, I feel the best I have ever felt since starting chemo. I tell her that I the only side I underestimate is the emotional side, but that it is probably normal to question one’s entire life …“everyone is different“!

„how many ECs did you have now?“ three – „Wow, you look really well considering that!“

She goes on to check the tumor with the ultrasound and says that it shrank from 2 cms to 6mm and is extremely pleased. „This is not at all the breast I got to know!“ what a thing to say?! There is still a bit of sore liquid at the sentinels, but all is fine! „Your wounds are even healing during chemo – this is amazing!“

I am very happy and we sit down again! „We shall continue the chemo course as planned!“ What a pity, I thought she might shorten it a bit, but maybe next time…

She states that we might actually keep the breast, that there is an option, but that I will have a say in this. I tell her that I will face the subject operation after the chemo is over, but it is good to know that there suddenly is an option again.

During the breast cancer day, a subject was that a lot of women want the breast removed and even remove the other breast in order to have less worries. It is in most of the cases complete pointless to do that. I tell her as well, that they removed the breast of a friend’s mother and afterwards the pathologist said that the tumor was benign….I shall consider all the options – after chemo! For now I am happy happy happy with the results!

It is raining and dreadful and I am glad Lea and I are going to the sauna that afternoon.

This is a whole new experience, as people stare a little bit. Due to the time of the year I hardly run around without a head, but here I do and Lea is having a baby in four weeks time, so we are a funny couple. The advantage is though that I no longer need to shave my legs now – there are advantages 😉

I do not look forward to the eyebrows and eyelashes to go, but I notices the first light spot in my left eyebrow…. thank God there is makeup!!!

Oh, bliss! I can stay in bed with a newspaper and a coffee….

Actually I have been thinking to go public with my story! There is this enormous feedback from all different kind of people that I inspire them to hang up their hang ups, to get on with life, check their breasts, go to the doctors, etc. and if it is only a few I can reach, I feel that I could do something good with this whole cancer thing.

Micky and Christina suggest blogging, but I am scared that all the text is just boring. Nick suggests a blog with a picture for each day and that is it!! I am also quite impressed that he wants to do a portrait series of breast cancer patients (he is a photographer). I am all motivated ready to start it! Feeling all young and hip, being a blogger now 😉

 

Both kids in Kindergarten… I am ready to live again and meet first Susanne – she is my age and reckons that the emotional termoil might have been caused by chemo, but that we are certainly of THAT age now….I then see Simone for a coffee and Maja for lunch…

I don’t know what was the motivator to do this today, but I pick Leo up from music school and we meet Mia and Markus in a shoe shop…. after both of them scream and cry the entire time, I am soooo fed up with everything and go home. It is Anja’s last day already and we quickly say good bye before we go flying our kite…. another idiot idea, but it was a helpless try to make the kids try those shoes and we have to do it now ….ahhhh!

Tonight is my night out – I meet Christina early for Sushi, we go to a cocktail bar with a guy and his gitarre, who give a very little private concert and end up in the ABS around the corner from Christina’s, as I want one glas of wine. There is a basement and there is 90s music … „do you want to dance?“… oh sure I do – we dance the night away and I feel alive – I have not been doing this for ever and it feels soooo goood!

I cannot believe I am only in bed by 4am…Jesus, this was needed so much!! Thank you, Christina!

I take Leo and mom to a farm, as it is a beautiful day and I need to get back by lunchtime my blood test.

Well, whatever I am doing is working well – my blood results are almost as good as when I started chemo… iron levels are low – hence I am so tired. Make note to drink more „Kräuterblut“ Juice…

Katja has chemo day and reacts with D&V. She did say though that she had enough after 8 chemos and that her entire body is fighting against it… I promise to make it a fun experience the following week! Lucky Katja – this will be her last chemo -I  will miss her, but good for her!

Mia is back in Kindergarten …

Halleluja!

My school friend Birgit and her family from Switzerland visit for a coffee before they are off to France and Leo comes along with me to LaufMamaLauf. It is pumpkin training day and he gets a little pumpkin, but has absolutely no joy joining us.

I do win the price for the biggest pumpkin – a hairband hahahahah….

Mom comes over to Cologne in the evening to help!

 

Just need to get out for an hour… Anja and Markus are looking after the kids and I make sure Maja is doing a good job in the garden 😉

I give up – we have to pick up Leo in the early afternoon! He cannot eat nor drink….ohhh noooooo! Both kids are crying, but at least they can drink milk… please that this week be over!!!

Today is the first time I go to yoga again since my operation and I love it. I can move my arms freely and nothing hurts anymore – ohmmmm!!

They are finally back from the countryside, but unfortunately, Mia is still ill and cries a lot and does neither eat nor drink, but cries „aua“… I send Markus with her to the doctor’s and another dreadful night lays ahead of me. At least Markus is signed off sick now for two days, as Mia is only allowed back in Kindergarten on Wednesday.

Katja’s eyebrows are falling out….

This is probably the worst chemo day ever!

Mia has no fever anymore and I let Markus sleep in order for him to go to the countryside with the kids. I will stay at home and my girlfriends promised to look after the kids there.

After they leave, it is all really quiet – the weather outside is beautiful and I have zero energy to leave the house. The kids are having fun and see all the pictures Markus sends and I miss them so much. I am tired and yet I cannot sleep, as I am unsettled. The horrible thing about being stuck, is the fact that you have suddenly so much time to think about everything. Your life, the what if’s, the turns you have taken and what outlook there is. Normally, I am so busy with my life and just get on with it and now I am forced to take a step back. I am emotionally fragile, and in turmoil, questioning everything and anything. I never would have expected this and I do not recognize myself….Thank god my friend Nick calls me and I can get rid of some of the anxiety, as I really don’t want to speak to anyone.

I have the urge to leave the house and finally get up and go to Lit.Cologne at 9pm to see Sven Regener. I have a water and a coke before I get in there and only survive drinking little sips of water and nibbeling away on a pretzeln – I am so nauseous…