Insomnia my friend – NOT! I don’t like being awake at night, but hey, I knew that this was a side effect and try to make the best out of it. Last night my friend Inga contacted me, as she was also awake for an hour – what a pity I had just gone back to sleep 😉… but keep trying!

Today, I would like to take a moment to thank all my friends from near and far, for their love and support – it is still amazing and today I had another present from my neighbour on my door step – sauna vouchers!! Thank you!! I feel truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends, but even people I did not know at all, like Jamie, who I only met at the QE2 reunion, have constantly cheered me up with their messages. Thank you!

I get a call from Dr. Reiser concerning my liver results….. they are not good and he was wondering, if I was taking any medication! They then asked, if I had been drinking alcohol?!?!?! Yep, two glasses of wine and one champagne…. I feel like an alcoholic, who has been caught, but they confirm that it is then a normal past chemo reaction – I still feel guilty and will skip the cheeky wines in the future 😢

Been to the doctor‘s and it‘s a thrombosis on my bum – OMG…. I have never heard of a thing like it! Painful, but harmless and some cream will help! Well, after seeing the girls and ordering the medication, I stay at Simone‘s and rest ❤️ Leo is sleeping at Carla‘s tonight and we can go out!

What a day! I wake up soaked at midnight and hope that I got rid of my cold, but cannot sleep for another two hours… Leo wakes up and as I cuddle him, he goes „Mom, your T-shirt is all wet“… and I am not feeling any better. I am dizzy and have to force myself to eat Müsli almost throwing up after the last spoon. I rest and ask Markus to drop off Leo at Kindergarten, as I have to bring my bike to inspection with Jochen, but simply cannot get up…

Finally I manage to get on my bike and find it extremely tiring and additionally my bum hurts 😉 I cannot ride the bike up a hill and push it, only to discover that I took the wrong turn and that I am at a dead end… I am so exhausted that I start crying and need a rest. This is not me and it really frightens me, but I have absolutely no power… I finally make it to Jochen’s Radfieber shop, rest and we grab a coffee. That helps! Thanks!

There is a man, who asks me, if I bought my mobile case in Aachener Strasse and yes, in fact I did… did not know that it was so unique, as it just a clear silicon cover,  but he works in the shop and we arrange to meet there, as he reckons that I could get a new mobile. Strange things happen, but I wanted to get the new mobile anyway!

Off to get my blood levels checked and I pass the test with flying colors. Chemo nurse Fassbender says that it is probably my diet, but whatever I do, it works… Whoohooo! Not that I feel like it, but great!

I go to Steffy, so she can look at my new website and I am feeling nauseous …. Steffy helped me already so much anyway within an hour that I think I am ready to launch www.kick-cancer-chick.com! I guess I should have a little launch party, but just drop into bed with three blankets and sleep.

I am supposed to go climbing with Anne in the morning… I cannot see that yet, but maybe this night will bring a miracle – fingers crossed! Otherwise I go for breakfast with the moms 😉

Halleluja – kids slept until 6:30!!! We are getting there!

Mom is taking Mia with her for a couple of days and I miss her already. Coming back from the station I have a sore throat and start shivering. I am tired, so tired and feel sorry for myself… Leo measures my blood pressure, checks, if I have a fever and gives me a cool pack! Then I get about 50 injections and he says „this is going through your body now and then the cancer is gone!“- bless! Hot water bottle and two blankets will hopefully do the job now! And I pulled something in my bum a week ago and it is getting worse – I can hardly sit … oh well, these things always come in pairs I guess 😉

Up since 5.30… AHHH! The chemo still has it’s side effects and I was a lot awake during the night and my kids are suddenly early risers!! Well, since I am awake anyway, I might as well give Markus a layin again.

The emotional state of myself is frightening. I have never taken drugs, but I think this is probably what happens, when you are on a trip and it might explain what is happening to me here in phases after each chemo: I have a discussion with my friend Nick today, while driving to a farm, where we celebrate Lennard’s 5th birthday. While there, I am suddenly unable to be with my friends, as our discussion suddenly seems about life and death matters, my heart is beating, my breath is short and though I am there physically, my mind is taking funny turns and I am loosing reason. After a while, it is ok again – I am calm and happy and am able to mingle with my friends. We chat and I am back in the here and now. Then suddenly, I am really exhausted. I go back to the car, to wait for Markus and the kids to go home. I am suddenly tired and feel drained. I go home and go straight to bed, shivering and needing two blankets to warm up again.

Once again, thank you, Nick, for coping with me during these phases – I appreciate it a lot that you do not give up on me… !

Before the treatment started, I was worried about the physical side effects of the drugs, but little did I know about the emotional turbolances ahead of me. It is not the fact that I have cancer and might die – I am pretty sure that I am beating this illness. Oh, I am so worried about the 12 weekly chemos and what they will do to me. I should meditate more, but the app I am using is playing funny tricks on me – thank god, Christina recommended another one 😉

There is an intuition center opening tonight and the psychologist recommended I should go. See if this will take my mind off for a while. They are showing the film „InnSæi“, which is the islandic word for intuition and also means „the sea within“.

While the center is a bit too spiritual for me, the film is interesting – Listen do your heart instead of your head! This is exactly what I am doing at the moment.

A lady I speak to is actually surprised that I have cancer, as she said that she thought I shaved my head as a statement and that I was perhaps an artist 😉

Thank you, daylight saving!!! I have been up with the kids since 5:15 am! It has actually been great to spend a bit more time with them ❤️

Having dropped of Leo, I have like 1000 things to do before meeting my psycho lady at lunchtime 😉

I am still coping with the emotional side effects from chemo. Dropping off yet another sick notice, my colleague Jacqueline says that it was the same for her during chemo. Therefore I am not going mad… The psychologist says that this process is actually a huge chance and that I will be a different person at the end and more with me…. Despite the fact that I sometimes feel that there are too many emotions to cope with by myself, it is the best to do this on my own and I am determined to do so.

I got the ok to travel after chemo and I am looking forward to skiing with the kids and to doing yoga in India or Indonesia. This will keep me going for the next 14 weeks and I got quite a few compliments today how much it suits me to have no hair…

I could sleep all day! I am still happy to be in Frankfurt and I do not mind that Anne’s kids join me then sofa in the morning, but I am soooo tired! Markus is looking after my kids at home and he is doing a really good job! Thank you!

I am really sad though, as my eyelashes and eyebrows continue to fall out… The hair is something I did worry about less, but eyelashes and eyebrows really shape a face and I am worried what it will look and feel like. Another problem is that the whole body dries out with chemo… the skin, the eyes, the sinuses, the throat, everything… every time I ride the bike, my eyes are burning, but yet again, chemo nurse has a solution and tells me to wear glasses when I ride the bike. I keep forgetting, but shall do that next time! In the meantime I drink tons of water, which also helps to drain the poison out of your body a bit faster without decreasing the effects 😉

I am thinking that a yoga retreat in India or Indonesia might just be the right thing to look forward to after chemo. I shall ask Prof. Dr. Breitenbach, if that will be ok. I will probably blend in quite well without hair 🙏

I can still do it! Two days past chemo and I am going to Frankfurt to join some friends from near and far, I have not seen for ever…. Great catching up and I make sure to rest on my friend Anne’s sofa before going to Wagner’s in the evening. What a wonderful evening!

Somehow I seem to recover faster from chemo this time, but I think it is the love of my friends, which really helps – something to look forward to!

Not all of the friends from back then could join us that evening, but we are all connected via What’s App and virtually they are all there…

Infusion and injection day at the chemo center. It is the last one of the post chemo shots I get, as it is no longer needed with the next cycle… whoohhooo!

I am spending more than two hours there though, as there are two public holidays coming up next week and everyone needs their stuff beforehand.

Well, the next cylce of chemos will be weekly now – only one poison and five drugs – should take a good three hours to run through. Need to now put a special nail polish on „Sililevo“ to save the nails and will get cooling gloves during the chemo to lessen the numb feeling in my fingers. It starts 9th November and I am hoping to be fit enough 11th to celebrate Karneval!!?!??

The last chemo date will be 25th of January, if all goes well and I am planning to go on a trip in the snow and trip in the sun…. Should I be fit enough! But I need something to look forward to to get me going.

Nurse Fassbender say that I have done really well so far and asks about my feelings, if I am thin-skinned now and I tell her that it is not the physical aspect, which is so hard, but the emotional bit – yes, thin-skinned absolutely, light tempered, restless, extremely emotional and sensitive …. I often don’t recognise myself and today is one of these days again! Wanted to meet Lars today, but had to cancel…See, if some fresh air will help 😉