I love this new chemo – apart from my cough there are almost no side effects. I am awake for four hours during the night, but it is quiet and peaceful and I feel fit. I hear the rain, watch a good movie, read a bit and at 5:30am Leo joins me and cuddles and we sleep for another good hour. I feel emotionally strong, have a few appointments and look forward to going out tonight!
The coughing comes back by lunchtime… ahhh! I am exhausted. I get my throat lasered again and the infection is apparently better, but the coughing is horrible and I cannot talk….grrrr!
There are a lot of new babies around and I just love them. It makes me realize though that due to the chemo I will never ever be able to be pregnant again, which makes me sad. I would probably not have had any more kids, but the fact that this decision was taken away from me bothers me. If I had been younger, I would have considered freezing a few eggs, but not at the age of 44 and I am over the moon that I have Leo and Mia, which already was a miracle I would not have imagined when I turned 40 ❤
OK, I need to go out – guys, I gonna see you at Kuen! Just don’t make me talk 😉
If you ever have cancer and want to watch a movie, DO NOT watch „Love Life„…. I watched the first part earlier this week and decide to finish it of last night before going to sleep. BIG MISTAKE!! She has breast cancer, her husband cheats on her, she is fine again and they want to divorce…this is where I had stopped…. and then the cancer comes back, she will die and she has a five year old daughter…then she dies! Bam! Thank god there were a few close friends, who just happened to write to me when the film was over and I was sobbing. It did not help that I only had five hours of sleep the night before and just wanted to be fit for chemo. To lighten the mood, I did watch a bit of Amélie, which always cheers me up, but had a restless night. I easily cry with movies, but with the cancer it is crucial that I do not pick the wrong movies, which I did already once…. any recommendations are welcome here!
I was also still disappointed with the results more than I had admitted. Yes, it is shrinking and yes, that is great, but if you look at the facts from a mathematical point of view:
1st EC chemo – no shrinkage, but tumor is softer
2nd & 3rd EC chemo – it shrinks 2cm to 6mm
4th EC chemo & 1st and 2nd T chemo – 6mm to 4mm
and use linear interpolation, you would certainly come to the conclusion that it should have disappeared.
Today is chemo day and I ask chemo nurse Frau Fassbender, who says that chemos and cancer do not work this way and I just have to accept it. I had no expectations beforehand and I shall try not to think this way again… she did confirm that my poor health and weaker mental state during the last three weeks were not the reason though 😉
Frau Fassbender gives me cooling gloves and asks how my feet are doing – there is a lot of air underneath a few of my toe nails and I will probably loose the big toe nails at some point… she said that this is normal and I should go and see a podologist to make sure that there will be no infections and next time she will cool my feet 😉 Great – I did not have a pedicure since they told me I was not longer allowed to paint my nail 🙂
Further I found out that the throat fungus is apparently also quite normal for cancer patients… well, as anywhere where the cells divide rapidly, the chemo works best and that unfortunately also applies to the oral mucosa, making it dry, sensitive and sore.
Today I meet Claudia – she is also with Dr. Rix and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, so one more of the line of cancer patients, who Dr. Rix was shocked about and transferred this summer/autumn… She was diagnosed early October, is really nice, just a couple of years older than me, we have the same tumor and she also works for a travel agency ….. We talk about our tumors, negative people, positive attitude and our different ways of handling the situation and time really flies until she leaves. Thanks for the psycho oncologist recommendation – I am only allowed to see psycho oncologist Beate Rahn two more times and shall check, if Claudia’s lady has capacity and I need to check with my insurance company, if they pay for it.
I should rest, but I am restless… I call the insurance, the psycho oncologist and the podologist and have long chats with Maja, Anne, Simone and Conny – the voice is not back 100%, but I can talk again … whoohhooooo!
Being sentimental, I look a lot through old photographs and I am now Leo’s super hero of the day: I did a fire fighting course for the yachts ten years ago and showed him a photo, which was taken just after I led a team of three firefighters out of some burning containers having extinguished the fire successfully with an injured dummy rescued …. yeah, I am now officially cooler than Fireman Sam 🙂
2007 – full of adrenaline just having left the burning containers …
Lilli’s mom and my friend Nina got me into the Milky Chance concert, as her man Jojo, is doing the lights and – bless him – he even organized a chair for me next to his desk and water in case I needed a rest ❤ What a great evening with a nice bunch of people, nice music and excellent lights 😉
Tabea made us do circuit training today… phew… but now I feel fit for chemo! Also had another throat laser session and got some trial medication! Voice is getting back slowly.
I had a first nice chat with the coach today and we arranged a first meeting next week, booked into some nude art sessions next week and Sylvie said I could keep her e-piano … just need to make sure that I meditate daily now!
My mummy friends gave me another chemo present for tomorrow – a Mamamachine to replace my voice – I love it! hahaha… no need to talk anymore!
Doctor’s Day!! I see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach for my monthly check-up and the tumor shrank from 6mm to 4mm. That is great, but somehow I expected more, as after the three big chemo, it went from 2cm to 6mm and now I had another big one and two little ones…. well, at least it shrank!
Prof. Dr. Breidenbach has now decided that she needs to hollow out the breast during the operation and I will get a silicon implant. Unfortunately, she has to work on both breasts, as they are not the same otherwise. Never thought that I would have silicone breasts, but she said that it could later be fixed with a DIEP (deep inferior epigastric perforator, which runs through the abdomen) Flap, where they basically take your belly fat and muscles and put it into your breast. Hm… the belly is unfortunately one part of my body with little extra fat, but I shall see, if they can use my bum instead 😉 The good news is though that if they hollow out the breast, I might not have to undergo radiation!!! Fingers crossed!!!
The operation will be four to six weeks after chemo. Regarding my travel plans to Bali, I got the go to fly 14th February anyway! I will have to do some MRTs, CTs, etc. after the chemo and certainly do not want to leave before Karneval is over, but she promised to time all the checks and the operation to give me two weeks to recharge my batteries… yipehhh! She also said that after chemo I will be a different person than maybe in six months time and that I should look after myself.
The next subject was my throat. She thinks that it might be a fungus in my throat, which Frau Dietrich suggested already yesterday and sends me to an ENT doctor in the same clinic. Dr. Zenev checks it and lasers my throat. I have never heard of anything like that, but there are a lot of firsts for me lately anyway 😉 I shall have another laser session tomorrow!
my tongue is all blue after seeing Dr. Zenev, but apparently that will go away 😉
No voice and I think I am close to loosing it now… the rest I mean 😉 This is the most annoying thing I have ever experienced (apart from four years ago, when I went to Oli’s birthday bash in Mallorca without a voice, but that did not last this long – by far). One more week and I will have a serious depression! Well, Mom will come to stay with us tomorrow, as Markus is on a business trip for the rest of the week and at least I will get some pampering now 🙂 And Nina is taking me to a Milky Chance concert tomorrow, which I completely forgot about…at least this is something I can do without a voice!
The mysterious music CD I found in my letterbox is apparently something that most neighbours received as well and there is either a virus on it or some poison …. whatever! I did wonder, who gave me music I actually do not listen to, but thought it was a nice gesture and then my neighbour posted on Facebook, if anyone else had these CDs….in the bin it goes tomorrow!
Maja is on her way back from Bueno Aires – thank god for that!
„OMG, you actually have no voice, just like you wrote in your blog… ;)“ – my school friend Anne-Karen calls me today… Yes, true and yes, I try to just listen, which obviously does NOT work… but I love it. This is it – these special friendships and these special conversations are all worthwhile loosing your voice. The superficial blablas are ok as well, but these are the talks, which make my day and make me strong… thank you!
My intention is to stay in bed all day! I have to get better and yesterday was lovely, but a bit tough on my voice. Robert Kreis was charming, but I wish he had sang a bit more and talked a bit less, but we enjoyed it. I love the chansons and the 20s ❤
I am proud to say that I had actually hot TEA in the bars!
Thank you, Markus, for taking the kids out – I am doing absolutely nothing today and I am happy that you are doing such a fantastic job with our kids! Now let’s see, if this will do the trick 😉
We all have a cold now… it is that time of the year as well, I guess. So, we take it easy and take turns to rest. I look after Leo at lunchtime and Markus is taking the kids to a game park in the afternoon, so I can have a rest.
It annoys me that I cannot speak… I still speak, but it kills me and then I cannot stop coughing – really miss the communication though!!! I am a bit annoyed with typing messages, as my fingers are a bit numb, but that is the only communication left…. ahhh, if I was just a quiet soul, it would not be this hard, but I am surely NOT. The hardest bit is not reading to my kids at night – well I do, but it hurts and then Markus needs to take over, as I just cough….I want my voice back!
I am going the Senftöpfchen Theater to see Robert Kreis tonight (belated 40th birthday present from my cousin Sylvie ;)) and I will have some drinks – wonder how annoyed other people get with my coughing, but I have to go out – no matter what 😉
This block of chemo is a walk in the park 🙂 My fingers are a bit numb, but not too bad. The coughing is more annoying, but I am getting there!
I just had a lazy Friday morning with Leo at home until Markus took him to Boulder Planet with some other kids and dads. Sandra stopped by with croissants… hmmm… and I met my friend Anne Balsereit Balsereit, who is a photographer and documented my bald head! Thank you! Sonja gave me a bracelet while we were having lunch saying „cosquillas a las nubes grises“ and I will tickle those grey clouds away….
After playing Playdoh and singing with the kids in the afternoon, my voice is gone again… no no no! Along with losing my voice, I also lost my patience with my kids. Normally I am quite consequent with them, but I feel that I do not have the energy, the patience and the strength and it hurts a lot. They also feel that they get away with more at the moment, which does not help. I guess I should slow down a bit during the day to have more energy for my kids or maybe it is the chemo kicking in at random intervals?!?
I will not talk for the rest of the evening in order to be fit again – promise – because I am finally going out again tomorrow and I cannot wait!
Being still a bit sentimental about my sealife friends, I think I have to post a picture of my buddy Matt today…
Chemo day, yeeehaaa! Well, blood levels are low, but ok, 37,1 is no fever and just a bit swollen throat is ok – off we go! Chemo nurse Frau Block is wonderful giving me cough drops and a little dish with salt. I did not know that, but if you put that on your tongue, it actually helps. She also flushes the port very slowly with NaCl, which makes all the difference on my tongue and waits until I have my mouth stuffed with gummibears 😉
Today I meet Gül – what an inspirational lady. She tells me that the ovary cancer is back for the 5th time and that she is battling with it for ten years now… yet, she is positive, full of energy and a shining light! You go, Gül! Sorry I had no voice – I look forward to talking to you again in two weeks time 🙂
As I leave chemo heaven, I notice that they did not give me the cooling gloves during the Paclitaxal… ahhh!! See if the fingertips will go more numb than last time now ….
Lately I think a lot about my ship’s mates, as with some of them I chat daily. I went to sea for nine years and it is bizarre, but I met some of my best friends at sea – even if I only worked with some of them for a few months, I got to know them better than some of my colleagues I have been working with for years on land now. You work seven days a week, long hours – you make things happen, you have to work as a good team to cope with it all, you live together, you spend your time off together and you party together, you are friends and family and you are all the same type of people… even when not in contact for months and years, you continue where you last stopped and it is amazing. I think a lot about my buddy Matt, who passed away last year (cancer) and he would have kicked me, made fun of my hair and we would have joked about this whole thing – I miss him so much ❤ Luckily I have my brother Micky, who has a similar humor and cheers me up!
The children are staying with Luisa and Nina today – thank you!!! Markus is at work, Anja just left and I will watch movies! Did watch Amelie (an all time favourite), started Allied during chemo, but it was definitely the wrong movie to finish home alone – am a bit too emotional for not happy endings at the moment 😉
I am just waiting for the kids now and off to bed. Lucky me – I am just tired. No nausea whatsoever and not emotional turmoils.
Woke up fully dressed between children’s books at 3:00am…. I might have been a bit tired 😉 It is frustrating though, as I cannot really read to them at them moment, but we are finding ways and hopefully I will get my voice back one day….
Despite all, I still went to see Tabea and my running Mamas, did some moderate exercises and meet with some Mamas at Klee’Snacks, as usual…I love this place, the people, the coffee and the bagels ❤
Steffi is sick until next Thursday, but we get Anja as replacement! Thank God for that!! In the afternoon I feel like I am getting a really bad cold now and actually spend the whole afternoon in bed. I need to be fit tomorrow and I will go to bed together with the kids now! Good night!
Look, Mom, I got ears 😉
Kick Cancer Chick 