13 December 2017

When the going gets tough, the tough get going – Tabea and the running Mamas are training despite the cold and the rain, but we sit for ages in the Klee’snack Cafe afterwards hugging the radiator… cold and wet is not ideal, but I took it easy. It is the second day without antibiotics and I feel the coughing is getting a bit worse, but try to inhale a bit more to be fit tomorrow.

The subject of the day is silicone implants and one of the running Mamas is wondering, if they are being removed after you die or if you are buried with them!??!? What a thought…I seriously do not get it… are there environmental concerns!?!? It was a fun morning though 😉

Well, I see the dentist (I am not allowed to use the special toothpaste for more than three months and they recommend something else) and pick up Leo from Kindergarten to… how do I put this the right way without coming across like an iceskating mom: We visited Speaker’s Corner, who have English playgroups for kids, who are three and older and it is just around the corner from where we live. It was actually good fun and Leo enjoyed it and we will be there next week again before we decide, if he will continue. No worries, he is not starting Mandarin and violin yet, but I often talk in English and he always asks about it 😉

While Mia is at gymnastics with Anja, Leo and I prepare cookie dough and fresh carrot juice. Mom arrives and I use the evening to finally clean up my bedroom, sort all my paperwork, pay all overdue invoices and get my stuff ready for tomorrow – I wanted to do that for weeks and it is such a relief. I have the urge to make the most of today, while my head is clear and I am under less chemo… and I will spend time with Mom now and try to read, as I will probably loose my concentration again by tomorrow… Carpe diem!

img_7446
Tough ain’t enough – soaking wet after training with Simone 😉

12 December 2017

After a lazy morning, I see psycho oncologist Beate Rahn and funnily enough, I can see her again in January…. She says that the fact that my head is clearer and I can concentrate on reading books, is probably due to the chemo pause – therefore I have to hurry with my next book before chemo on Thursday! I really hope it will go ahead.

From Holweide I go straight to see psycho no. 2, Dr. Kroll-Fratoni, an American guy. He agrees to fill in the paperwork required by the insurance company, says that he will put adjustment disorder regarding my breastcancer situation and recommends two psychotherapists. He also recommends someone the kids can see, if I feel they have issues. Haus LebensWert is the psycho oncologist service of the Uni Klinik and the offer a lot of activities for cancer patients and nurse Fassbender is also raving about it…. I shall check it out!

Having talked with two psychos about what I do, how I handle the situation, how my kids and Markus are, how I look after myself, etc., really does my head in…. it’s all mushy peas. Today I missed my stop at Holweide and also the one for Dr. Kroll-Fratoni – Chemo Brain is not completely gone 😉

I just finished the last nude art session – it really takes my mind of everything and the psychics…..

11 December 2017

Cologne is green and rainy again and I am back in my busy life, but at a much slower pace. The coughing is almost gone and my voice is still a bit rough, but coming back 🙂

I see my gynecologist, Dr. Rix, for the first time since seeing her with the lump in my breast on 28 August. She hugs me and we chat for a while. There were actually six or seven women, who she sent to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and Katja was the first, all were young, the youngest being 28… she said that I am handling the cancer in a good way and that she would make the same choices I have made, compliments me on writing a blog and says some people have been successful writing their stories … and I know immediately that she is talking about Nicole Staudinger – the quick-wittedness queen!

Having been in hospital I was unable to get a new sick note from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, therefore I organize this quickly, drop it off at work and say hello to my colleagues. The administration around cancer is annoying. Every four weeks I have to get a new sick note and drop one off at work and send another one to my insurance company. Welcome to Germany with all it forms, rules and regulations. Guess what – the psychologist, who I will see tomorrow, will have to fill a certain form (PTV 11) and the insurance company pointed out that he will have to enter a certain code and I should double check. With this form and a code, I then call this appointment service number of the Association of SHI Physicians North Rhine, who arranged this appointment for me, again and they will find a psychologist, who I can see in the future… and you do not have a say in the where and who 😉

I am suppose to have lunch with Armin, one of Markus friends, who is wonderful, but Katja calls. I have not seen her since her last chemo and she had also just been to Dr. Rix, so I decide, if I take a taxi, we can quickly meet and catch up… Her hair is already growing again. It is very soft and does not look like the down some of the cancer pictures show, but it actually looks like proper hair. Well, from pictures I know that she had a lot of hair beforehand – so did I and that is a nice perspective! She will also keep her hair short and apart from facing radiation next, she is well and suddenly has these remarkable eyelashes…. I probably focus mainly on eyebrows and lashes now, as I am terrified of every single lash I loose at the moment and my eyebrows are a dilemma.

Taxi to meet Armin, lymph drainage, groceries and Christmas party in Leos Kindergarten…. I do rest as well though, inhale and will have a lazy morning tomorrow!

I finish the day with yoga and on my way home I get a chicken Dürüm again, which is – and this is scary – almost like my pavlovian response to yoga now…. ahhh – how ironic?!?! But at least I am eating 😉

IMG_7414
This is the first time Leo actually draws something recognizable (it’s Nikolaus and not a cockatoo!!) …. proud Mummy Me ❤

10 December 2017

Oh what a beautiful day! Note to self – always check the weather app before taking the bike anywhere in December. I thought a little excercise and fresh air would be beneficial, so we take the bikes to Simone’s for breakfast. It is 10.00am, a bit cold, but a nice and dry day.

While chillaxing with Simone and Sebastian, it starts to snow and does not stop anymore… suddenly we are in Winter Wonderland and in the early afternoon we figure that there will not be any improvement and we still have to take the bikes home. It is magic – but also mad to ride a bike, as there are tons of snow!

We can finally build a snowman, have snowball fights, go crazy and the kids are sooo happy and excited. This is the first snow for Mia! We warm up, eat cookies and the excited, red and glowing faces of my kids warm my heart. My Mom is leaving in the late afternoon despite the fact that all transportation around Cologne completely breaks down, but she does not want to stay another night, so we cross our fingers and toes, but there is already a two hours delay with the first train… Good luck!!!

A neighbour brings some freshly baked brioche around and I actually have a second serving. Not enjoying food is really sad and therefore this is a great 🙂 When I was younger I would comfort myself with food to numb feelings, therefore food has always played a large role in my life. Nowadays I allow feelings, a healthy nutrition is important to me, I enjoy dining with friends with a good glass of wine and not having any appetite is taking something away from me. I know that it is temporary though and in the meantime I just force myself to eat regularly.

I am exhausted, but happy, as I love snow and we did not have this much snow since years! I am taking it easy now, rest  and look forward to tomorrow, which is a bit packed, but I will try to go slowly 😉

 

IMG_7367IMG_7353IMG_7383

9 December 2017

Snow… snow… snow… for about one hour and all was green again…. well, that is Cologne for you!

I am a bit down today. The kids are adorable and give me so much joy, but everything else is really tiring. I want to bake spritz biscuits and am all motivated when I prepare the dough in the morning. At lunchtime I try to process it for the first time with the KitchenAid and greatly fail… the dough is too dry and it does not work. I have absolutely no nerves for this and just leave it as it is in the kitchen. Ahhhh!!!! I have no patience whatsoever and no energy, I feel hot and cold and completely exhausted …. Markus just returns from running and he and my Mom are trying to finish it off  – bless – but I am angry that I lost my patience. How long after chemo will it take for me to be me again!?!??

Emotionally I am really struggling today and cry during the afternoon, when Markus and the kids are at the zoo. My mom is still here, my Dad comes to visit and that distracts me. The problem with being strong is that everyone expects that you are always strong, but I have my lows as well, especially being super sensitive, thin skinned and fragile. The other problem is that people do not think you are really ill, if you don’t moan about it. When Leo arrived, for example, the hospital did not think I had contractions, as I had cycled there and was speaking normally. They would have sent me home again (and I would have gone home), if they had not seen last minute that the cervix was already open 7 cm.  It was probably the same with the pneumonia, but I did tell everyone that the coughing was annoying me….hmmm. No, I will not start to be a moaner!

On a positive note – the coughing seems to get a little better and the kids love the inhalation machine, as there is a tiny mask for kids as well and Leo has a theory that it cures coughing just by putting the mask on – for some reason only in the combination with a builder’s hat  😉

IMG_7239

8 December 2017

After a sleepless night, I can’t wait to go home – goodbye Klösterchen! I should take it easy, inhale and take the medication. Maja was ill all week, but comes to pick me up and it is great to see her 🙂

Home Sweet Home – I need to go to ‚downtown‘ Riehl to see the podiatrist – who did say that apart from the air under my nails, my feet are actually in good shape and could be much worse –  but I take it easy and cannot wait for Mia to get home. I have not seen her since Sunday and it is wonderful to spend time with her alone. When Leo gets home from music school, we finished decorating the cookies we baked before I went to hospital and the kids are full of chocolate, but I love it … and I am exhausted…. Dinner, bedtime reading and I realize that I need to rest a little more. I am ok to rest during the weekend and we do not have any plans. If I am fit on Sunday, we might see the lights parade, but I do not have the restlessness I faced beforehand and am quite happy to chill and read, when not with the kids. Mom is staying an extra night with us to make sure that I rest 😉

Sadly, I realized today, that I still do not really feel at home in this apartment, even after two years and I need to address this issue after cancer along with a lot of other things. I did spend a lot of time here at the beginning of my therapy though and I will be fine to increase the home time again, just looking after myself.

Strange things are happening – My appetite is completely gone now and I have to force myself to eat. Normally I love eating, but even being without chemo right now, I did not get my appetite back…. especially sweet things do not tempt me at all and decorating the cookies I did not even try to see what they taste like.

IMG_7213

7 December 2017

Hurray, hurra! They found a high level of mycoplasma antibodies in my blood and the CT showed that my lungs improved – I can go home tomorrow 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Markus saved the breakfast dilemma, by dropping off müsli, almond milk and fruit last night after reading my blog – thank you 🤩

Hans already said good by, as he is off for a few days and we are all a bit sentimental…. I am still happy to go home though.

I get my last antibiotics drip and will start with tablets in the evening, the port needle is being removed and I will get an inhalation machine to use at home. The coughing will probably continue a little bit longer, but from Tuesday no antibiotics and next chemo on Thursday!

My highlight of all my visitors was Leo ❤️ – I thought it would have been too much for Mom to bring both kids, but one is better than none. I had not seen him since Sunday, we had so much fun and I look forward to being home with the kids ❤️

I got a psychologist appointment for next week and the insurance company will have to decide, if I continue there or somewhere else – it is all a bit complicated!

Chemo buddy Katja is in full remission and only needs the radiation now🎉🎉🎉

6 December 2017

Thanks for worrying about me – I simply did not blog yesterday, but I am fine.

I am still in hospital and there were no news and no results, but the coughing is a little better! Prof. Dr. Breidenbach called me today, as she only found out now that I was to check how I was – she is so nice and will follow up with Dr. Reiser!

My cousin Sylvie is brightening my mornings with daily Soja lattes and green smoothies ❤️

I was hoping to leave hospital today and to do chemo tomorrow… Prof. Dr. Galetke came to see me at lunchtime and said that the bronchoscopy did not help them to locate the cause of my pneumonia – they tested a few, but all negative – but that they are waiting for more blood results. He wants to do another CT of my lungs tomorrow to see if there is improvement and will then see, if I can go home on Friday 🙄 no chemo until next Thursday. It annoys me, but I know I have to listen to them and Prof. Dr. Breidenbach confirmed that he is the best!

Hospital routine is getting a bit boring now… 5:30am they wake me for the first drip, then the day consists of drips and inhalations, meals and the doctor’s visit and last drip at 10:30pm…. thank god there are Hans and Franz and the other staff and my friends, who visit, call and chat to me! I try to stay positive, read, meditate, watch movies and will wait for the blood and CT outcome. I miss my kids though….

img_7017-1
Find the Müsli … yep – No Müsli today, la lalala lala….

4 December 2017

Not a single nurse enters my room without commenting on my Rituals advent calendar – even Hans, Franz and the Professor!

I get the wrong breakfast again and wonder if my ex roommate is enjoying my Müsli…. probably not, she order all the white flour bread and rolls I have to eat now – Sylvie saves the morning and brings a Soja Latte, fruit and a green smoothie ❤️ and for tomorrow I will get my müsli!

At lunchtime I get the info that one of my followers was just diagnosed with breastcancer on Friday…. stupid cancer! We talk a lot and I keep my fingers crossed until she has her final results!

I know that it is difficult to help and some people do not know what to say, if someone has cancer! If you don’t know how to approach a friend in a cancer situation, just send a message or call – the people, who matter to me right now, are the ones, who just do things – send presents, send messages, call me (I simply do not pick up, if I don’t want to talk…. or can’t speak like the last few weeks 😛), check how I am doing, offer help right there and then, when a situation arises, call to say they are close by and want to meet me, say they arranged a play date and can pick up the kids….. thank you to these people of actions ❤️ Show the person with cancer that you care – that is the most important!

Professor Galetke checks on me and says that the results are not back yet, but that my inflammation levels are almost back to normal! He would like to keep me longer and continue as we did until the results are here. I see the point that I have to be fit to go home – I want to get rid of the coughing once and for all! The new ward is not ready yet, but I enjoy it here and tell him what a wonderful team they have here! My Mom will arrive tomorrow to stay with Markus and the kids and I wait and see how much longer it will take….tomorrow is tumor conference and Prof. Galetke will speak to Dr. Reiser and then I will probably know more!

In the afternoon, I have seamless visits from Antje, Tina and Andrea ❤️

3 December 2017

The first snow 🤗 The kids are so excited and I wish I was with them….it is just a little icing sugar, but Leo is hoping to build a ’sandman‘! I am crossing fingers and toes for more snow ….

I am still coughing, but this is day three of all my antibiotics drips and I was up until 4am last night…. In a way this is the old me again – I am a night owl by nature and I have my most creative moments then, but I am sooo tired today. They woke me at 6:30 for the first drip and I had to get up to inhale, as the coughing did not stop. I did cry last night and that also made the coughing worse…. I put the book away for a little bit…. but had to continue….Thank god there is nothing planned today apart from a few visits 😃 Starting the next book from my mummy gang „The Rosie Project“ ….Christina comes around with a good Latte Macchiato, which helps a lot and I have not seen her for ages ❤️

I realized last night that the reason I was so busy the last month, was that I was running away…. from my thoughts. It is easier to get over something, if I am busy, but being busy is not the right thing for me at the moment and surprisingly I am absolutely fine doing nothing! I also realized that I started being ill on the 31st October and that is more than a month actually! The coughing started later though 😉 I am happy I can finally rest and hopefully recover soon!

Dr. Schünemann comes to see me again and says that I need to be patient and I will still need time to recover, which is fine and he says that I have the right attitude! Yeah! I am still coughing but think it is a little bit better today….

The running Mamas run the Nikolaus run, but honestly, I do not envy them today with the snow and the rain. Thanks Tabea for carrying my chip – it will probably be the fastest I ever ran 😉

The kids finally visit me again, but Leo did fall asleep on the way and I just take him into bed with me like last time…. I miss those cuddles …. Mia is being her temperamental self and I love them so much. They have to go and I miss them, but I have to be fit again to go home! Today she said „noodle“ for the first time…. actually „Mia more noodle“ – she eats so much!

Katja lives opposite the hospital, but cannot see me, as she got one of these kindergarten infections – even though she stopped chemo weeks a go, her immune system is still weak…. what an outlook 🙄 I am actually glad there are no more visitors and cancel Tina, as I really need time to sleep during the day!

Franz tells me that the next day the entire ward is moving to a newly renovated ward with minibar, large flat screen TV, tablet holders, balconies and somehow I am hoping that I can move with Hans & Franz despite the fact that this room already feels quite luxurious, Franz is raving about the new ward…. going home would be nice as well though 😉

I have a Sweet Sushi evening with Sylvie….. hmmmm! Much nicer than the hospital dinner, which I also had a bit of, but they serve it at 5:30 and I have to be up until at least 10:30, when the last antibiotics bag has run. I just finished the huge bag of candy Michael gave to me, but I think I actually lost weight since I arrived – Hurray to Sweet Sushi! 🍱