I am sitting with Mia in the children’s hospital waiting for an x-ray…. I am annoyed having had to travel to the other end of town, try to get a doctor’s appointment to discuss her restricted mobility…. and then I see the parents with the newborn, who look so worried and the dark circles under their eyes, the mother with her daughter, who is hooked to an infusion stand. The children oncology is in the same building and I am grateful!

The only worry is that things won’t be back to normal, when I start my rehab on the 6th….

The fracture is healing as planned, but I want to see surgeon to see, if she should have physio therapy or at least to get a perspective. Waiting waiting waiting – but for a change it is not for me….

Peace – that is what I need.

• Peace and quietness (I am tired)

• Peace of mind (I should meditate again – my mind is spinning around)

• Peaceful interactions (I just don’t want any argument – with no one)

• World peace (just that – no ambitions to compete in any beauty pageants 😉)

Today everyone seems so agitated – I had enough phone calls, enough bureaucracy and enough paperwork, when yet another letter arrives from the pension fund concerning copies of all my degrees…. give me a break. I had a nice lunch with Maja and try to ignore it for a while 🙏

Mia stays for lunch in kindergarten, but I had planned to use the hour to get ready… nop … I am staying for lunch too 🙄 Tomorrow I will send my Mum to accompany her. I might as well benefit from here being here before she departs tomorrow 😉

I have my – what I think is the – final onchology appointment at pioh and I am happy with it! What I do about hormones, he wants to know?!? Nothing! And that is ok. My tumor was post chemo triple negative (TN), which means non hormone receptive, and therefore it does not make sense to me and the very little chance to prevent a reoccurrence, as it was minimal hormone receptive beforehand, is in my eyes disproportionate to the amount of side effects and the decreased quality of life I would be facing for the next ten years.

Everyone is different and some people do anything, even if there is only a hint of a chance to prevent a reoccurrence and that is ok, but I decided against it.

The tumor conference is now recommending a anti resorptive therapy. First I am thinking „another therapy?!?!“, but it is not as dramatic as it sounds. Bisphosphonate will be given for the duration of three years, either as an infusion of Zometa or an injection of Denosumap every six month. The aim is to increase my bone density to make it harder for bone metas to get in there and a cool side effect is that it will probably help with my osteopenia – yeah! I am all up for it!

I go straight away to the dentist to get my ok, as it can effect my jaw bone and the oncologist will not start unless he gets a letter from my dentist with the go ahead.

The therapy will start post rehab. I am just waiting for my blood results, which should be available early next week and then I know, if I might have to increase my vitamin D, but this is the way forward now concerning follow up care:

• mammogram once a year

• gynaecologist every three months

• injections/ transfusion and blood control every six months

• ultrasound of the breast every six month

Next stop rehab!

Tea – yes – tea – it is not unusual for me to drink tea, but it is unbelievable that just the thought of coffee makes me sick – that happened last time during the first days after my EC chemos 🤦‍♀️ ….but I enjoy my tea and am actually contemplating whether to go coffee free for a while!

Today is my last lymphdrainage before rehab and that means: no more music therapy, no more physio therapy and no more lymphdrainage before rehab and extra time to organise everything and look after myself.

There are household aid invoice disaster, as they changed their admin, rehab paperwork to get my household aid, I need to organise for Markus and the kids to visit me… but one step after the other!

Tomorrow I plan for Mia to have lunch in kindergarten…. she can crawl now…. whoohooo – I am do frustrated and sincerely hope she is fit, when I leave for rehab….

In our borrow, most of the shops close around lunch time and despite the fact that I often laugh about it, today I join in and have some food and tea with the local crowd at Rosensalz café. I like my new pace – slow and mindful!

Old?!? Yes, I am 45 and I could easily be the mother to a 25 year old, but do I feel old?!? No! And really?!? 45 is not old…. older than 25 and 35, but far away from old….

Mädelsabende’s theme this week has triggered my thoughts though!

There were definitely a lot of moments in my life, when I feel old, especially during therapy, when your bones are stiff and you can hardly get out of bed or off the couch, walking like the hunchback of Notre Dame to my children’s room…. but overall…no!

When do I feel old? When I talk about a movie and the others only know the remake, when I try to explain to my kids that we had no internet or computers and when I see this morning a phone with a dial plate in music therapy room and actually know how to use it! Do you?!

The air is crispy and the sun beautiful and my mood lifts with every breath I take! I manage the morning ticking off my cancer itinerary with physio, music therapy and psycho therapist – ok, having had a cold and not eaten for almost four days, make me weak and almost faint in the tube, but I feel so much better, happily sing among in music therapy, cry during therapy and truly enjoy a corean food bowl before heading home!

Markus is sick now and just wants to sleep, Mia and Mum are at the Zoo and I will sleep before our household aid arrives! Have a good start into your week!

My cold is a bit better and I make an effort….

I try to bake a cake with the kids – had promised to do it for days and feel guilty – and feel that my energy drains and the bottom of the baking pan falls off – the springform literally springs – and the dough is all over the place…… just what I need 😉 I almost faint and go back to bed!

In the afternoon I finish the insurance paperwork though!!! Hurray! It isn’t complete, but the best I can do!

Baby steps! My mum is here now and so am back in bed and hopefully fit by tomorrow!

I forget the easiest things, am overstrained looking after my kids, exhausted and tired and yes, I could just stay at home apart from doctor appointments, but I would probably get depressed…. I try though, make an effort, take Mia along to physio without a shower and a child that resembles a dandelion clock. I really try, but already before lunchtime I let her watch tv, try to rest, my body hurts and I feel useless and the need to be alone.

Our household aid arrives in the early afternoon and I rest for thirty minutes, am shivering and steaming hot at the same time, but I need to pick up Leo… each step is suddenly a burden, my throat is sore and once we are at home, I collapse into bed and thank heavens for our household aid!

Mia moves her leg today 3 cm while sitting – I know it is a big trauma, but I wish I could send her to kindergarten…. Today, Leo has a play date today and I am taking Mia along to lymph drainage…..how shall I ever handle our normal life and working?!?! Markus is taking Mia along to the hairdressers now and I rest! I am so much better than last night, but it frustrates me tremendously … it might just be a flu, but my head is spinning!

I know I need time and I will take whatever time I need. And yes, I am longing for rehab to make me fit again!!

Guess having done sports for the first time since month can take some of the credit for my muscle aches 😉

#10yearchallenge #2008 #2018

2008 was a big year for me! I was dating Markus, but still going to sea, I had no kids and no obligations, but paid off the last bit of mortgage left on my little flat in cologne…my ex Nick contacted me after disappearing for ten years, I went skiing and I had a PAP IV smear test result, an operation to remove the mutated cells straight away and I got the info that it was NOT cancer! I travelled through India by myself to do yoga and meditate and quit my seagoing career from an Internet cafe in the Himalaya, had my 15 years highschool reunion (with Sandra), went to my first Octoberfest ever, started landlife working for HRG (and I am still with them), ran my first half marathon and prepared for my first marathon and finished the year with the best murder mystery dinner party at Anne’s house!

2018 was just as big, but differently – it made me stronger! I now have two kids with Markus and despite the fact that Nick supports me a lot though my chemo, I have to disappear out of his life! This time I have an operation to remove the last cancer cells, which the chemos did not kill, have 10 extra kilos, I travel to Bali to do yoga and meditate and go skiing, have my 25 year high school reunion (without Sandra), go to my first Dreamball charity event and love working with several cancer charities, complete the Muddy Angel run, try to stay fit and finish the year at Simone’s house with a lovely dinner, Mia and her broken thigh!

Alaaf!! I rocked today, dropped off Leo, took Mia along to my running Mamas, went shopping and got a trim and even managed my household aid cancelling and a dentist appointment…. I am exhausted, but as my cousin and her daughter entertain my kids, I quickly throw together a costume, as I have just been spontaneously invited to Stunksitzung – a kind of alternative mardi gras session – tonight! I am cancelling my get together with my hometown peeps and hit the town!

I have yet another sleepless night!

To be mindful is to name your feelings and to accept them and right now, there is grief and sadness, which are choking me and I am sobbing, as I read the words my late childhood friend Sandra’s husband sends me along with some beautiful pictures. It is unbelievable that she passed away almost a year ago and though I did not have a lot of contact with her over the past years, can easily ‚keep busy‘ and distract myself, I now see that I need more room for this grief, embrace the vulnerability, as pushing it away, just does not make it any better! Actually any grief, as death is something that scares the hell out of me!

I am supposed to meet Mary, another fellow cancer blogger, who I met during the Janssen blogger workshop last year and I postpone it…..anything else seems so far away and not important. I let Mia watch a little movie and let it out…. I cry my eyes out and any of my little issues, my paperwork worries, the costumes for the kids…. it all seems so little. My new filling hurts…. I need to see the dentist again tomorrow! Who cares!

I dry my tears and meet Mary….but I take Sandra along with me!