Hamburg – I love you! Well, actually it is more the people … whatever – a perfect weekend comes to an end, as we board the train to Cologne. I will probably need two weeks to recover 😜

This morning rush to the boat, where we can bake Christmas cookies with the kids and while Leo refuses to do so, Mia enjoys the quality time with me …. and likewise I enjoy seeing her all excited sticky smiles.

At midday Cheryl-Ann and Jarl’s famous Christmas brunch takes off …. a tradition we wanted to join for years, but never made it – no more excuses…. I do what I want NOW…. and I love it. There are ex ship mates, neighbours and friends we know and lovely people we get to know! Thank you – it was a magic time in your Christmas grotto ❤️

Gratitude – that sums it up…. I am full of happiness and love! Thank you for this wonderful day ❤️ thank you Hamburg, thank you breasties, thank you Silke, thank you Christmas markets, thank you Christmas parade, thank you flying Santa and thank you Recover your Smile for the pictures….

I will let it sink and while Markus & the kids are sleeping, I am off to a flying visit at a birthday bash! I shall report in detail, but for now, I am just thankful for this day and all these wonderful people in my life ❤️

Live and let live – Today I am just unbelievably sad how some people are just miserable…. fair enough, they can be miserable, but why try to make my life miserable?!? No chance! Not today – I look forward to the kindergarten’s Christmas play, the magic and the train to Hamburg! Happy weekend everyone!

Be nice to each other and that pensioner, who yelled at me calling me loopy for crossing a red light without any cars or kids in sight – I wish someone will give him a hug… I wished him a happy Christmas time after asking him to please stop insulting me and assuring that I did not have any kids with me, when he replied something like „why don’t you go and get yourself killed!“ No, if cancer does not do that I plan to stay a live for long time 😉

Happy Santa – today is all about excited children, shining faces, smiles, chocolate for breakfast …. there is magic in the air, as the kids speculate about Santa, are surprised that he ate all the cookies, are proud having received a little thank you note and my heart explodes…. I join them having chocolate for breakfast and am a little child again. Last year I spent Santa in hospital and I am over the moon to experience the magic ❤️

Today is no space for doctors – I write to my doctor to ask when to expect her call in order to no longer wait, see the dentist, have an extended breakfast with Instagram Jenny and see my physio therapist…. and this is when the cancer sneaks back in…. my breast is still swollen and hot, there is no improvement since Monday and she asks for my ultrasound results…. well, as I did not have any, there is nothing I can say, but tell her about my unpleasant experience…. now I worry, but am happy that my gynecologist will see me on Monday and I will then know, if there is anything I shall worry about 😉

We are now making window decorations, eat cookies and chocolate and enjoy Christmas magic and each other ❤️

The German health system is brilliant…. but not for all… it can be complicated and if you don’t speak the language, you might actually slip through the system – like Kindergarten mum Manar.

What makes me extremely angry, first of all, is the fact that she was pushed while leaving the tube, as she was too slow and apparently because she wears headscarf! The hostility she experienced, even when laying on the floor with an I injured hand is scary!

Secondly, she told me last week that her appointment for her operation is only January 19 and she is in so much pain and can only survive on painkillers, as she needs to look after her 5 children….. how come?!? She explained to the receptionist that he has pain, but apparently this was the earliest appointment she could get.

I went with her to hospital today and what she thought was a date for an operation, as only an appointment to schedule an operation! When I said that she only survives on painkillers, they said that an ER doctor could look at it. This admin lady was lovely, checked it with the doctor herself and he said – before even seeing her – that this finger needs to be operated immediately, just looking at her diagnosis. Her operation is now scheduled for Friday and I am thrilled, but what if I hadn’t come along with her?!?

I am still waiting for my doctor to call me 😉

Photo credit: Barbara Stäcker from Recover your Smile

I am done for the day and it is only 11am…. I have an appointment today with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and I am longing to go, as I have a long list of questions. I mix up the times though – totally my fault… idiot me – so I call the practice at the time of my appointment and say that I mixed it up and will go immediately…. and the receptionist says NO!

They are fully booked and the next appointment is end of January…. I freak – it is not only an appointment – I am not only there for an ultrasound, but for my first appointment post chemo to find out what is happening next…. I have no plan, don’t know what is lined up next, if anything is…. I start crying, as I suddenly feel so lost, so alone, so helpless…. she agrees to talk to the doctor and call me back, when I say that I cannot handle this. I wait, cannot stop weeping, actually get ready and go to see them.

I bump into Mehrnaz and can talk a bit, which helps while riding the tube….and I cry again! From now to then this call turned me into a nerveless wrack….

My ‚favourite‘ receptionist calls me, when I am almost there to say that I have go get an appointment for January. As I arrive five minutes later, the first thing she says is that her colleague is only 22 and cannot handle calls like that, while I was apologizing to her colleague for crying on the phone. It is her condescending way and total lack of empathy, which makes me cry again…. Well, I have known her for a while now!

I do the necessary admin, tell her that I will see my gyn for an ultrasound, as I have an appointment anyway and ask, if I can leave my questions for the doctor to email me sometimes…. and she goes to see the doctor to ask, if she has time to answer an email…. I cannot believe it! I know they are busy, but I feel that nobody cares and I am a burden…. I am considering changing doctors, but will first discuss what happened.

Coffee first – I dry my tears, call chemo buddy Claudia and go to my colleagues to leave my sick note and maybe have lunch. I am ok again, it just shocks me, how I am not fit to handle and stress …. but I am good again now and will wait to speak to my doctor.

It is grey, rainy and awefully dark – I am late for music therapy…. again… story of my life…. but it is magic. After some vocal exercises, we start singing Christmas carols, melancholy raises, as I stare into the grey sky and seeing the raindrops drip into the paddles on the roof terrace. We discuss our mood, feelings and emotions, crying for unknown reasons, but then the songs go from Silent Night, via Feliz Navidad to Go Tell it on the Mountains and along with the mood, the sky brightens – what a magic moment. I leave uplifted, happy and enlightened. ….

#Instaconnects – after music therapy and still on a high from my Recover You Smile, but tired beyond belief having arrived in back in Cologne in the wee morning hours, I meet Sarah, who is one of my Instagram breasties …. what a wonderful start of the week!! And it’s only Monday and there are lots of happy moments lined up for the rest of the week 🤗

Recover Your Smile is a charity based on the idea Nana, who was diagnosed at the age of 20 with bone cancer, who loved taking pictures and dressing up, has while undergoing treatment …. together with make-up artist Sandra she developed the concept of Recover Your Smile and after Nana passed away in 2012, her parents, Sandra and a small group of friends realized her dream. They organise complimentary make-up workshops and photo shootings to boost patients‘ self confidence, give them beautiful pictures and a wonderful day.

The atmosphere is full of love, very personal and empowering. The circle of patients bond and there is magic in the air, as everyone transformed into vamps, angels, indians, princesses and magic creatures….. I feel like I am in a dream or a fairy tale and I will need some time to let it sink. I leave enlightened, empowered and I cannot stop smiling …. and I am not alone…. there is magic in the air ❤️ thank you, Recover your Smile ❤️

I am on the train home and recap my weekend – my heart is filled with love after 24 hours with Anke, Jan and their kids…. Jan and I were flight attendants and then went together to uni in London…. Anke had their first baby back then and this young fellow is just home for the weekend from uni…. yes, it makes me realize that we are older, but it is this journey that connects us! To make it perfect, my brother and his kids come out to Freising to spend the Saturday afternoon with us – it is perfect and to I feel privileged to have these special people in my life and to have been given the opportunity to attend one of the Recover Your Smile sessions – wow! Lucky me!

My train stops in Augsburg – there is a dead body on the tracks…. I don’t know when we will continue our journey and it makes me sad that what has been the perfect day for me today is someone else’s worst nightmare!

#feelitonthefirst – breast cancer does not discriminate and the earlier you get your diagnosis, the better your chances – it is so much more though than just feeling your breast and listening to your body! Any crisis brings us back to our roots, to our true self…. I had a few of those crises – many due to weight issues, work issues, low self esteem, broken hearts … a lot of drama and then cancer came along – it does not matter how big or small your crisis, it makes you stronger and you always learn a lesson…. each situation or person shapes you!

I have and am still learning a lot – about me, effects people have on me, who is really there for me, who robs my energy and I make sure to take care of myself! I have always been a strong person, determined like a Rottweiler, when I really wanted something…. which was easy in My working life, but I was never quite sure what I wanted personally. The strong facade brickled and I find a new strong within myself. It is still a little seed, but it is growing…. there is also a lot more vulnerability, I cry, which is something so did not allow myself…. and I cry a lot nowadays and I allow more and more emotions – hello new me …. it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance!

Look after yourself – your body and your soul!

I am off to Munich to pamper myself – meeting some of my best friends, my family and having a photo shooting…. what else do I need for quality me time?!? ❤️

Onward & upwards…. bye bye autumn!