Happy Santa – today is all about excited children, shining faces, smiles, chocolate for breakfast …. there is magic in the air, as the kids speculate about Santa, are surprised that he ate all the cookies, are proud having received a little thank you note and my heart explodes…. I join them having chocolate for breakfast and am a little child again. Last year I spent Santa in hospital and I am over the moon to experience the magic ❤️

Today is no space for doctors – I write to my doctor to ask when to expect her call in order to no longer wait, see the dentist, have an extended breakfast with Instagram Jenny and see my physio therapist…. and this is when the cancer sneaks back in…. my breast is still swollen and hot, there is no improvement since Monday and she asks for my ultrasound results…. well, as I did not have any, there is nothing I can say, but tell her about my unpleasant experience…. now I worry, but am happy that my gynecologist will see me on Monday and I will then know, if there is anything I shall worry about 😉

We are now making window decorations, eat cookies and chocolate and enjoy Christmas magic and each other ❤️

The German health system is brilliant…. but not for all… it can be complicated and if you don’t speak the language, you might actually slip through the system – like Kindergarten mum Manar.

What makes me extremely angry, first of all, is the fact that she was pushed while leaving the tube, as she was too slow and apparently because she wears headscarf! The hostility she experienced, even when laying on the floor with an I injured hand is scary!

Secondly, she told me last week that her appointment for her operation is only January 19 and she is in so much pain and can only survive on painkillers, as she needs to look after her 5 children….. how come?!? She explained to the receptionist that he has pain, but apparently this was the earliest appointment she could get.

I went with her to hospital today and what she thought was a date for an operation, as only an appointment to schedule an operation! When I said that she only survives on painkillers, they said that an ER doctor could look at it. This admin lady was lovely, checked it with the doctor herself and he said – before even seeing her – that this finger needs to be operated immediately, just looking at her diagnosis. Her operation is now scheduled for Friday and I am thrilled, but what if I hadn’t come along with her?!?

I am still waiting for my doctor to call me 😉

Photo credit: Barbara Stäcker from Recover your Smile

I am done for the day and it is only 11am…. I have an appointment today with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and I am longing to go, as I have a long list of questions. I mix up the times though – totally my fault… idiot me – so I call the practice at the time of my appointment and say that I mixed it up and will go immediately…. and the receptionist says NO!

They are fully booked and the next appointment is end of January…. I freak – it is not only an appointment – I am not only there for an ultrasound, but for my first appointment post chemo to find out what is happening next…. I have no plan, don’t know what is lined up next, if anything is…. I start crying, as I suddenly feel so lost, so alone, so helpless…. she agrees to talk to the doctor and call me back, when I say that I cannot handle this. I wait, cannot stop weeping, actually get ready and go to see them.

I bump into Mehrnaz and can talk a bit, which helps while riding the tube….and I cry again! From now to then this call turned me into a nerveless wrack….

My ‚favourite‘ receptionist calls me, when I am almost there to say that I have go get an appointment for January. As I arrive five minutes later, the first thing she says is that her colleague is only 22 and cannot handle calls like that, while I was apologizing to her colleague for crying on the phone. It is her condescending way and total lack of empathy, which makes me cry again…. Well, I have known her for a while now!

I do the necessary admin, tell her that I will see my gyn for an ultrasound, as I have an appointment anyway and ask, if I can leave my questions for the doctor to email me sometimes…. and she goes to see the doctor to ask, if she has time to answer an email…. I cannot believe it! I know they are busy, but I feel that nobody cares and I am a burden…. I am considering changing doctors, but will first discuss what happened.

Coffee first – I dry my tears, call chemo buddy Claudia and go to my colleagues to leave my sick note and maybe have lunch. I am ok again, it just shocks me, how I am not fit to handle and stress …. but I am good again now and will wait to speak to my doctor.

It is grey, rainy and awefully dark – I am late for music therapy…. again… story of my life…. but it is magic. After some vocal exercises, we start singing Christmas carols, melancholy raises, as I stare into the grey sky and seeing the raindrops drip into the paddles on the roof terrace. We discuss our mood, feelings and emotions, crying for unknown reasons, but then the songs go from Silent Night, via Feliz Navidad to Go Tell it on the Mountains and along with the mood, the sky brightens – what a magic moment. I leave uplifted, happy and enlightened. ….

#Instaconnects – after music therapy and still on a high from my Recover You Smile, but tired beyond belief having arrived in back in Cologne in the wee morning hours, I meet Sarah, who is one of my Instagram breasties …. what a wonderful start of the week!! And it’s only Monday and there are lots of happy moments lined up for the rest of the week 🤗

Recover Your Smile is a charity based on the idea Nana, who was diagnosed at the age of 20 with bone cancer, who loved taking pictures and dressing up, has while undergoing treatment …. together with make-up artist Sandra she developed the concept of Recover Your Smile and after Nana passed away in 2012, her parents, Sandra and a small group of friends realized her dream. They organise complimentary make-up workshops and photo shootings to boost patients‘ self confidence, give them beautiful pictures and a wonderful day.

The atmosphere is full of love, very personal and empowering. The circle of patients bond and there is magic in the air, as everyone transformed into vamps, angels, indians, princesses and magic creatures….. I feel like I am in a dream or a fairy tale and I will need some time to let it sink. I leave enlightened, empowered and I cannot stop smiling …. and I am not alone…. there is magic in the air ❤️ thank you, Recover your Smile ❤️

I am on the train home and recap my weekend – my heart is filled with love after 24 hours with Anke, Jan and their kids…. Jan and I were flight attendants and then went together to uni in London…. Anke had their first baby back then and this young fellow is just home for the weekend from uni…. yes, it makes me realize that we are older, but it is this journey that connects us! To make it perfect, my brother and his kids come out to Freising to spend the Saturday afternoon with us – it is perfect and to I feel privileged to have these special people in my life and to have been given the opportunity to attend one of the Recover Your Smile sessions – wow! Lucky me!

My train stops in Augsburg – there is a dead body on the tracks…. I don’t know when we will continue our journey and it makes me sad that what has been the perfect day for me today is someone else’s worst nightmare!

#feelitonthefirst – breast cancer does not discriminate and the earlier you get your diagnosis, the better your chances – it is so much more though than just feeling your breast and listening to your body! Any crisis brings us back to our roots, to our true self…. I had a few of those crises – many due to weight issues, work issues, low self esteem, broken hearts … a lot of drama and then cancer came along – it does not matter how big or small your crisis, it makes you stronger and you always learn a lesson…. each situation or person shapes you!

I have and am still learning a lot – about me, effects people have on me, who is really there for me, who robs my energy and I make sure to take care of myself! I have always been a strong person, determined like a Rottweiler, when I really wanted something…. which was easy in My working life, but I was never quite sure what I wanted personally. The strong facade brickled and I find a new strong within myself. It is still a little seed, but it is growing…. there is also a lot more vulnerability, I cry, which is something so did not allow myself…. and I cry a lot nowadays and I allow more and more emotions – hello new me …. it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance!

Look after yourself – your body and your soul!

I am off to Munich to pamper myself – meeting some of my best friends, my family and having a photo shooting…. what else do I need for quality me time?!? ❤️

Onward & upwards…. bye bye autumn!

I am back in my cancer routines, but I should rename them to just doctors‘ runs, I guess….

I am a bit sentimental, as today is my last visit to my onchologist…. I have a good bye present and remember, when I last said good bye in February after what I then thought was my last chemo…. but this time I hope that I leave for good… no third time lucky 😉

Thank you for making it such a nice experience, for all the tips, cuddles and laughs…. if I ever need an onchologist again, I will go to Pioh again!

The weather is dreadful and I just cannot see myself going to the Christmas markets…. tomorrow will be too warm for Christmas markets…. but it will be dry…. now, that are first world problems!

Today is THE day!! 15 months of active treatment are over… the last chemo pills are waiting for me tonight!

4 EC chemo

12 T Chemos

3 operations

1 pneumonia

1 thrombosis

1 mouth sore

Colds & bone aches & pains paired with emotional rollercoaster rides…

28 radiations

1 stretcher torn with a splintered bone

8 cycles of Xeloda chemo pills

The list is long, but active treatment is coming to an end and I only have the aftermaths… I am waiting for check-ups in December, the removal of the screws in my finger in January, which is hopefully followed by rehab…. and then I need to find my new normal – a life without a household aid and with a job…. already the thought overwhelms me, but I hope by February/ March I will be strong enough to balance what I have to do with what I actually can do…. Pfew!

There are certainly positive side effects though:

I know myself better and I listen to my body more and more, try to be more mindful, am awefully grateful for what I have and try not to think about what I don’t have… I rearranged my circle of friends and gained a lot of new friends! I learned how to use Instagram and it became me self help group, while I discovered this strong cancer community and its supporters, which means the world to me! I do charity work now and love it and feel that I am doing meaningful things…. I am more in the here and now and try to no longer think about the past and only a little bit about the future. I follow my heart and am open to fully live my potential, I want to take more risks and OK is not good enough any more….. watch this space, I am only starting 😉

And I learned how to say NO!

No to too much work

No to too much negativity

No to people who use me

No to things I don’t REALLY want…

Mia and I will open the Christmas market season today and the last pills will be taken with Glühwein!

It’s ok not to be ok, but you need to know how to pick yourself up again…. two bottles of wine and a great evening with friends are my remedy…. I know that I am enough, lovable and unique – I do it my way, will continue to love unconditionally, will continue to believe in the good nature of people and will only do what I want. Nobody can take that away from me!

This morning is me time… I am tired and my head is super heavy (now, that wasn’t a big surprise… today I feel my age… a bit 😉).

Starting at lunchtime, I need to see the podologist, take my kids to the hairdresser, which always seem to be a massive drama, when both go…. and I still need to break the news to Mia that my haircut is not what she is getting today… We will skip Leo’s kids gymnastics, as tonight is my company’s Christmas bash, which I can only join during the warm-up, as I signed up for a special goose dinner with the Sauerland bunch, who I probably have not seen for six month.

Tomorrow will be calm again, but I am planning my first Christmas market visit 🤔

Enjoy that special time of the year and if you love someone, say it…. spread the love without thinking about reactions, consequences or rejection! Do something nice for someone else without expectations! ❤️ It makes you vulnerable, yes, but if we always try not to get hurt, we don’t go anywhere….