The first day skiing – not for Mia and me though and it makes me sad, but the bed was blood stained and I need to take it easy, which pays off, as there is no new blood for the rest of the day… the weather isn’t that nice anyway 😉

My cousin Sylvie, who is here until Saturday, comes to join me with the kids as Leo does his first runs in Ski Club, which gives Markus a chance to hit the slopes. Mia wants to ski so badly, but is not even two and not allowed in Ski Club. I need to get some baby skies for her tomorrow! Sylvie helps to motivate Leo and we have lunch with her. She is a gem and when I am back at the hotel I am ok to stay with the kids by myself…. how naiv! I cannot lift anything, let alone a kid and they know that.

Since I have left hospital, they are great and well aware that I am handicapped! „Mama, does not work arm, right?!“ is Mia’s mantra lately, they walk by themselves, pull themselves up into the bike seat (with little assistance 😉), climb up anywhere to get their diapers changed, etc., but I still lifted them a bit with the right arm and assisted with the left, which I have now stopped altogether. As a consequence, I do not manage to get Mia to sleep today, while Leo is here and I feel like such a failure…. I call Markus to pick up Leo for Skiclub and he quickly puts Mia to bed, while I keep Leo next door. It makes me feel dreadful – I want to be fit again, I want to be physically strong again for my kids, I want to cuddle them again without protecting my breast, want to wildly romp around with them, be a dragon, a race driver and Penny from Fireman Sam, do „Boing Boing“ with Mia and be their strong lion mum and I want it now! Hmmm….

Tomorrow Leo should be fine in Ski Club by himself and Mia will have her first day in Ski Kindergarten, which will hopefully make it all easier 😉

Hotel Bruno is great and the location is ideal for us – ski club, kindergarten, lift, slopes, ski rental, restaurants, aprés ski, etc. is all next door and an elevator to bring us downtown…. very convenient, as there is no need to use the car at all and halfboard means that we have a carefree life and we have a separate bedroom and living room, which makes it easier with the kids….we decided already to come back next year, but this evening we will use our car to visit Sylvie and her family and friends 🤗

My boobies wrap is full of blood in the morning, but Prof. Dr. Breidenbach is only a What’s App message away – oh, she is wonderful! I shall not worry, as there was still old blood and it is good that it is out of my body! I shall make sure to take the antibiotics to avoid an infection and wrap myself tightly…. well, I might have taken it a bit too far, can hardly breath, there is more blood and I quickly loosen it after breakfast. I will get the hang of it, I am sure 😂

The blood stains are annoying, but at least I can see my kids beam with joy and I am the happiest girl in the world! Legoland, we will be back, for sure, but now we need to stock up on bandages and steril strips to keep me wrapped and hit the road to Sölden for five days of fun in the Alpes 😉 „My body wants to go home and build Lego“ I hope that Leo will soon warm up to the idea of going south.

If my eyebrows keep growing at this pace, I will soon be a female Theo Waigel, but no complaining… they come with beautiful lashes and I appreciate every single hair!

Despite Mia singing „Oh Tannenbaum“ and playing hide & seek with herself under my blanket at 3:00am, I am with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach by 8:00am.

I am being told off for not contacting her via What’s App before the weekend…I have a massive haematoma in my breasts, which she punctures and while she draws a lot of blood the pressure is less and less. I am supposed to see her two days later before she goes on holidays, but she is ok with me going skiing and puts me on antibiotics. Whoohoo…. just need to see Prof. Dr. Warm Tuesday evening instead!

The tumor conference took place yesterday and despite the images my bosom buddy Merle and I had in our heads of tired doctors sitting in a pub with loads of files, it is a meeting in one of the breast centers and there are staff, who prepare all the information beforehand 😉

The majority of the tumor conference wants me to do another chemo straight after radiation. Radiation will be for four weeks and chemo would start straight afterwards! One cycle is three weeks and they have currently planned six of them…. pfewww…. the good thing is that the side effects are usually less… we will see! Downturn number one: This will take me into September treatment wise 🙄 and like with any chemo, I shall avoid the sun … and it will be all summer 🙄! But I am not a big sun fan anyway and it takes what it takes, I will have more poison in my body and detox afterwards again …. but for now, I will enjoy Legoland and skiing!

My kids‘ eyes are sparkling with joy and so are mine as we enter Legoland. I am a small child again and cannot wait for the park to open again tomorrow!

Sunny day and packing is on our agenda…. bahhh…. I am mastering my procrastination skills going to the beautician, running some errands, meeting Hannah at Café Pause and since we have no household aid today, I have to look after the kids this afternoon …. ahhhhh….. somehow it always falls into place and we will be at Legoland tomorrow…. hopefully!

I am a bit scared, as my breast is hurting and a bit numb with loads of pressure inside and a fairly new bruise, but I will get it checked out first thing tomorrow morning before we go and meanwhile use Traumeel creme, as per my physiotherapist Frau Dietrich. Tomorrow I will also get the remaining pathological results from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and a perspective with rough timelines, as the tumor conference is discussing my case tonight. I want to book a mini cruise on QM2 and Maja planned a trip with me to Berlin in June and I need to juggle all around my treatments 😉. More importantly I want to know what consequences the still active tumor will mean, how the chemo pills will work and how long it will last for, etc. etc.

My toe nails look horrible, as now the first big one fell off and the left one is barely hanging on. It’s not long to go until open shoe season…. how long do they take to regrow?!? I am glad it is not the finger nails!!

What a beautiful and relaxing day and thank you Eurowings for cancelling my brother Micky’s flight. The sun is shining, it is warm, I put a dress on and he picks me up with a DriveNow (car sharing) convertible for a coffee at Café Bauturm after my overnight guests leave….. I hardly see my brother, as he lives in Munich and love it! That’s the life – no time for you today, my friend cancer, sorry!

The rest of the day, I go with the flow…. stay in the neighbourhood by myself, write, visit a fleamarket and try not to get a sunburn 😜. I love being alone at times, watching the people, while I have a coffee…. I feel like an invisible observer and then I talk to people, but today, I mainly want to be by myself! Social contacts give me strength, but now I am just enjoying my own company!

Have you heard of Kuromakupoke?!? Poke is Hawaiian – chopped food with rice/ zucchini noodles or baby leaves …. I cannot decide and try all three with all sort of raw stuff on top, crunchy toppings and sauce…. I wanted to try it for ages and it’s my late lunch …. yuuummmy! If I had known this – why did everyone onboard the QE2 always had chicken wings at Hooter’s during our overnights in Honolulu 🤦‍♀️ …. Kim is from Hawaii and probably saying „I could have told you, but there is no way you would have talked the lads out of it“ …. Hooter’s girls or raw food bowls…. hmmmm…. tough one, guys, right?!?! 🤔

Yes, I should sort out my mess at home, but the day to too beautiful …. should could…. blablabla…. Spring is here! I can sort out my stuff when it is raining 😉 Having said that, Markus calls that they are almost in Cologne…. I quickly go home and enjoy the late afternoon with my kiddos!

What a nice and quiet day! Apart from Ulla, who bursts into my quiet breakfast in Café Pause like a hurricane 😉 What a funny lady and we figure that we went to the same school, but different times …. it’s a small world.

I enjoy the sunshine, visit two potential houses with Simone and her family, write a little in Café Wohnraum and buy some clothes! Why?!? I don’t know… it is spring and I need some colour! Since my diagnosis, the colour scheme in my wardrobe has changed…. it is brighter and fits my new life quite nicely.

I know that I am going on and on about my hair growth, but I will not say much and just post an update picture 😉 the benefit of patchy regrowth is that I do not have to shave any unwanted hair yet!

Mum has just arrived, my brother Micky will drop off my nephew/ godchild Finn shortly and we will go out tonight! Sushi night with an 8 year old …. yeah 😂

At lunchtime we pick up the kids from Kindergarten and they leave with Markus for Holland. Mia’s godfather Volker organized the weekend for the second time and they call it their man motivation weekend, as they are telling each other all weekend long what a great job they do with their kids and how cool the are 😉 Markus is the only one with two kids and they are the two youngest and therefore the other guys admire him…

And they should by all means – since my diagnosis he has really grown into looking after the kids. In the past he left the house before they got up and only returned after dinner, but now he gets them ready every morning, drops them off at Kindergarten and gets them ready for bed at night. It was hard for him at first, but after a few weeks he got the hang of it and is doing a great job.

Cancer is not only about me, but also about my family. My biggest worry was that my children would suffer and therefore the first thing I did was organize my kids‘ daily routines without me and Markus bringing the kids in the morning and the household aids picking them up, are the main pillars here. Naturally I am still there, but I went from main to supporting actress giving me the freedom to retract any time I have or need to. To know that their routines continued no matter if I am there or not, gives me the reassurance that they are fine. Suddenly having to go to hospital, feeling weak after chemo, whatever it is, I do not have to organize anyone to step in for me and can just relax and concentrate on getting better. Markus is a very private person, who does not want to be in this blog, but he does a great job with our kids, which helps me a lot! Thank you!!

…. and I am going out now 🎉

I do not regret at all that I did a lot yesterday, but I pay the price today…. I want my old me back!! My breast hurts, there are blood strains on my T-Shirt and I am exhausted and cry a little.

Today marks six weeks past chemo and I have to appreciate the improvements I see so far …. babysteps! My concentration span is increasing – I can read again! My body feels generally fitter… not today though 😉

Bosom Buddy Merle comes up with this theory that the exhaustion after chemo is the lack of cortisone …. good point. During chemo you are like on ecstasy or as an article stated „chemo is like ADHS with Alzheimer“, you are constantly awake and restless and after chemo, you are tired and exhausted and don’t get the regular cortisone booster. Several people comment that the cortisone has noticeably left my face and I am so happy…. I rather have exhaustion than this pancake face!

I clean myself up and go to physio. Frau Dietrich reckons that a doctor should look at my breast…. Prof. Dr. Breidenbach is operating today in Holweide and I shall contact the Hospital Holweide. They refer me to my gynaecologist and I almost cannot be bothered, but since Dr. Rix is happy to see me, I head downtown and hope I can combine it with a nice lunch, as Holweide is pretty deserted when it comes to culinary possibilities 😉

Yep, the operation wound did burst open, but nothing to worry – I shall take it easy and she tapes it all over the place, stating that „this cannot open in a hundred years“ … don’t challenge me! Just kidding… 😉

I feel dizzy and decide to have a coffee before meeting Simone, when I bump into Isa, my school friend from home…. I love these moments and she joins me for a coffee! My mood is getting better as the day progresses, I meet Simone for a late lunch and Hannah comes around with the kids in the afternoon. Markus is going out tonight and I will cuddle up with a book – yes, I appreciate that I can finally read again 😀

Spring is here ….. on my head and I love love love it!! My hairline is sprouting …. oh joy! Meterological spring seems to be delayed though…. it is freezing at -2 degrees…. brrrr!

Effortlessly I manage to look after Leo all day…. due to the Kindergarten strike he joins me with the running mums for a light workout and coffee, we run some errands and I really enjoy the quality time with him…. and spoil him, yes, but that is ok and it is something I sometimes do now since my diagnosis. It is probably to compensate for not being there for my kids 100%, but today I feel my strongest I have been since months, not only physically, but also mentally. The feeling that you are not able to look after your kids properly is the worst. Surely I always wanted to look after them, but would quickly get annoyed and exhausted….. a terribly frustrating experience, but being weak and thin skinned does not go well with kids below the ages of four 😉 I am over the moon that I notice these improvements…. surely I am not there yet, but I am grateful for every step I take towards a stronger and healthier me!

Getting undressed for the shower, I notice that the bleeding of my sutures increased. I try to not move my arm too much for the rest of the day and hope it was just a one off.

We have tickets for the Fireman Sam Show and drive to Leverkusen with Leo’s nursery friends Carla, Hannes & Henri – it is amazing and yes, I buy stupid and overpriced merchandise, but today this all feels right and my boy is very happy.

Hmmm…. waking up, I am a bit scared and sad. Why?!? It is the first time during my cancer journey that something is not going according to plan apart from missing two chemos due to pneumonia, but that does not really count, as I still caught up with my schedule. I don’t really have to explain why though…. these thoughts are normal and it is good to allow them at times. Yes, I am scared today!

I appreciate all the luck I had so far – my tumor has not spread, reacted well to the chemo, etc., but now I wanted pathological total remission (PTR) and I did not get it…. I feel like a little child, ungrateful and learn from bosom buddy Paula that only 30% of the breast cancer patients actually get the PTR, but my breasties were all part of this 30% club… apart from Paula. We will set up our own little club now 😉 and what is important is that after feeling down, you know how to lift yourself up again!

Here we go – there is snow, the sun is shining and I take my time before dropping Leo off at Kindergarten learning that the teachers all go on strike tomorrow…and then I do my usual coffee therapy routine – breakfast with Steffi at TörtchenTörtchen, Hannah steps in for Steffi, who has to leave and I visit Maja at lunchtime.

Talking about therapy – a psycho oncologist from Haus LebensWert calls my today to schedule yet another ‚psychological talk‘ during which will be decided, if I ‚qualify‘ for music therapy … this actually starts to become a running joke…. how many different psycho talks can you actually have?!?!? I also have an appointment with another psycho oncologist, who Holweide referred me to and I really hope that I will end up staying somewhere….seven months after my diagnosis 😉

Last week I did notice some weird stains on my teeth, but during chemo I was not allowed to go to the dentist for a deep cleaning and I finally have an appointment today – oh joy … it’s these little things that make such a difference! The better you look, the better you feel – thank you for making my teeth look nice again Dr. Kirchner 😁

I am tired after picking up Mia and spending all afternoon with my kids, but I am happy and mobilize my last energy to join my mummy clan at my favorite wine bar – Morio – tonight, where I will enjoy a nice Montepulciano now ….. or two 😜