Yeah, I lost my voice… great! I am not surprised though… every time I do too much, I survive for a while and then my body stops me! Natural emergency break 😉

Therefore I rest today and the only activity is to go with Markus and the kids to a special „my first time at the movies“ at the Lumen cinema in Düren! What a lovely idea on a rainy day! The light is only dimmed, the sound not too lound and the movie is Janosch’s „Trip to Panama„! The little girl inside me is over the moon and so are my kids, as they inhale their little popcorn bags commenting every move the little tiger and the little bear make!

My first ever cinema movie was the Junglebook! I still remember the excitement, the cosy little cinema with the little lamps on each table…. the big lady selling ice cream. What was your first cinema experience?!

I am off to bed trying to get fit for another two working days – we are trying five hours a day during the last week of my reintegration! A „Go get ‚em, tiger 😉“ is nowadays a „just try to stay afloat“! The days are gone, where I need to prove anything to anyone. My well-being and my kids are my first priority!

Fatigue, my friend, you are still here… sometimes more, sometimes less, but overall, you are a faithful buddy – always around, when I don’t need you!

I am struggling with all and you don’t help – no, not at all – you are a burden! I try to arrange myself with your presence, but as my work hours increase, it gets harder and harder… please, pack your things and go! I tried, but you make everyday life tiring – I am doing my best to make our relationship work and you show no effort!

I am nevertheless happy and nothing will take it away – everything might be harder with you, fatigue, but it is all worthwhile and I have a long breath….

I leave the office on an energy low, do ‚t know how to handle the rest of the day and my kids are the ones, who have to cope with me, but we find ways and I go to bed with them…. dog-tired – but happy!

What I really had enough of though, is bad news in our cancer community…. and it makes me awefully sad and speechless! Good night and bring on the good news, the miracles and positive results! It’s about time!

Rehab sport – another first!

I rush in at 8:10, straight into the small gym jam-packed with people from all walks of life. It know that there are less cancer patients and more orthopedic clients, but my eyes take a scroll and I start wondering, who is a cancer buddy. That is the issue – you cannot see it! You might wonder, if the older lady sporting a short hairstyle choose this deliberately or was forced to say good bye to her long hair. I will probably know as the weeks pass by.

I stretch, sweat a little, which might be due to the air getting hotter every minute, but overall it seems to be good for me and I rush to work from there!

I am still at 4 hours work per day and for now only four days a week and still, the fatigue does not get better! I am exhausted, barely keep up with my household tasks and do a happy dance, if I manage to tidy the flat, am proud of every washing machine I turn on and each dishwasher I empty and yet, I only manage a fraction of it all…. yes, babysteps, but I am tired and exhausted while I scroll along the path into normal working life and it scares me that I don’t even have clients yet…. maybe it will get better once I do ‚real‘ work, but for now, it seems like a huge mountain ahead of me.

I pack my ropes, adjust my helmet, take extra carabiners and walk step by step towards the trail up to the top. I focus on the here and now, place each foot in front of the other one, I see the flowers along the path and try not to look up, ignoring the long climb ahead of me! Life right now is beautiful – I enjoy my kids and all that is happening right now! I am still on track!

Onward and upwards! It is #throwbackthursday #krebsfreidonnertag – I learned how to climb, I will get there again!

A first of the month, my first month of reintegration completed, my first steps towards a normal working life and I try my best, but I am far away for normality and I am scared!

Do you know what scares me more though?!? A reoccurrence of my cancer – and that is why I #feelitonthefirst!

Cancer does not discriminate, nobody is safe…. old & young, fit & fat, vegan & veggie, pregnant & parent, tall & small, blond & bald, boss & bellboy, boy & girl – everyone can get it! No matter what you do…. it does not play by rules and is always lurking around the corner!

And therefore it does not help to close your eyes – talk about it, tell your loved ones to look after themselves and check your body! Feel it, listen to it and if you are in doubt, go and see a doctor you trust!

Not all tumors can be found by self examination, but you have nothing to loose…. it is a win win! Know your body – you wash it (probably) every day!

Early detection makes such a difference! Time is a factor you actually CAN control, if you check yourself regularly! Off you go – it’s in your hands!

The struggle is real!

Babysteps – this is the only way I gonna get around my daily life! I juggle my kids & their activities, the laundry, grocery shopping and tidying the place (oh, what a mess it is) with work and therapies & sport!!

To be honest – nothing is happening at work yet…. I have no clients, no work tasks, but I simply try to get my chemo brain to concentrate on getting my head around new systems, organizational and structural changes. I feel overwhelmed though and simple tasks make me sometimes feel completely incapable… babysteps!!

I feel improvement though and finish work early to go to lunchtime yoga! My afternoon telephone conference is at the same time when my kids go to their sports class and therefore it feels like I got this, but sometimes my mind spins…. as I still have Markus‘ support in the mornings. Will I manage? There is only one way to find out …..

I just do it, I try and having negotiated Wednesday off, gives me that little break to catch up on everything! Babysteps!!

Yesterday another cancer blogger passed away! It shocks me and puts things into perspective. I appreciate the things I do manage, every time I am at yoga, every task I do. I am grateful to be alive and happy to struggle back into normality!

I am exhausted – leave work a bit early, as my eyes are burning…. I am off tomorrow and apart from sport, nothing is planned – I need some time off….

I would love to tidy our flat, sort things, re-organise and be creative….normally I am a multitasker, a jack of all trades, always get everything done somehow, but today I listen to my body, get some food, make a tea and chill on the terrace before picking up my kids!

This isn’t procrastination – this is quality of life! Enjoying the here and now…..

I still had a voucher from Kiss the Inuit and now check out my new t-shirt! Good times are now and ahead!

Can’t wait to find out when our first podcast #2frauen2brüste will be launched…. not today though!

Normality hits me in the face, but in a good way! I have to multi task normal life and cancer aftermaths and I am enthusiastic, but completely exhausted! Flat out after a three day week!

It crossed my mind that I could go straight back to working 80% in order to generate some income, but hey, I am exhausted after three days …. and we are not talking about full working days either, therefore I will continue with the reintegration and hope that I either get my allowance from the pension fund or I have to go through the hassle to apply for unemployment benefits – at least I am not working all my hours yet and somehow have to fit it in!

2 1/2 hours yin yoga bring back my cool and I love that everyone is running around in shorts, being in Easter holiday mood and I simply blend in, as I put my shades on end enjoy the breeze on my bike! Hello summer!

Yesterday in Eupen – the German speaking part of Belgium!

The place is picturesque with little alleyways and old stone houses. Andre Schlegel and I have been invited to represent Yes We Can_cer at a press conference with the Minister of Health and Social Matters – Antonios Antioniadis.

Cancer awareness is something that is a heartfelt matter for him and not only was announced that the Yes We Can_cer app 2.0 will be available for Belgium, but the initiative Relay for life informed that teams can still register for this event, which will be held in Eupen 29th – 30th June supporting cancer research and projects. It is a 24h event focusing on fun and charity rather than athletic performance and everyone is welcome!

Yes we can_cer is an online self help group designed to connect patients and next of kin, while focusing on a fearless conversation around cancer without tabus!

Check out Chantal Delhez’s BRF article!

Foto: Patrick Spies

Day 9 – back to work! Reintegration in Germany is designed for you in order to make a smooth transition back into working life.

In theory, there are different models and you are being slowly moved into a your old routines. Does the shoe still fit you? Have a guess! I changed over the past 18 months and it is a tight fit. My new me, does not have the same principles, the same pace and not the same energy.

I am in the middle of this process at the moment and it is massive, as I was away for a total of three years having been on the last leg of my maternity leave, when I got the diagnosis….

Do I want to fit into my old life? No! The working life has to adjust around the new me and not the other way around.

My time is now so precious and I don’t want to waste it with nonsense! I only do what I want to do, am clear in articulating my needs and even clearer in sharing what I don’t like.

Fun fact – I am working completely free of charge right now, as I am still signed off sick, I don’t get a wage and should receive an allowance from the statutory pension fund! Now, guess what?!? They declined payments April 4 – starting I am not entitled, as I was on maternity leave for another ten days when I got diagnosed!!

I would not be this upset, if they had declined immediately, when I applied 3-4 months ago, but I should have been receiving the money since February 6!! What are they thinking?!? I filed an objection and am waiting for a reply…. if I don’t get the money, I will receive sick benefits from my health insurance until March 9 and then I have to apply for unemployment benefits!

I should concentrate on getting back into my job and instead, I have to deal with applications, paperwork, am spending endless hours in phone waiting loops and I am simply sick of it! I am dependent on officials, who seem not to care that there are humans and lives behind each and every insurance number! Shame of you!

My debts with Markus are high, but at least I have this option…. not everyone has that and on top of it, I am annoyed by all the paperwork – but thank goodness I am a native speaker! What do people do, who are not….

For now, I simply concentrate on the good things, ignore my finances as much as I can and try not to waste too much time and energy. Life is too precious!

Video: Nadine Heller Menzel