#stepupfor30 – I mobilize my last energy resources and go running with the Mamas…. today in football shirts – go Germany go ….. the afternoon will be spent rather passively, watching the game with friends and kids and I stocked up on fan merchandise…. nothing can go wrong now!

Why? Because I want a bit more football euphoria – this worldcup is missing Turkey, Italy and the Netherlands…. onwards and upwards! Black, red and yellow flower chains, face colours, wigs, tattoos, candy…. bring on today’s game! I collect the kids, we are all dressed, I paint all the kindergarten kids‘ faces with my new tricolor pen and meet the Mummy gang & kids to watch the game!

Well, think again – Germany is out, the streets are quiet again….there won’t be public viewings with cheering German crowds for the rest of the Worldcup and it is sad, but that’s the way it is.

Markus picks us up and I take my last chemo pills for this cycle before we cycle home! 1/8 is in the books and I have a week off chemo now! Time to go for autogenic training and my merchandise can still support Belgium, I guess 😉

Highlight of my day – my host parents from the States call to say that they are visiting Germany in July and think I have not seen them since 1991, when I was staying with them…. I was 17 then 😂

After a coffee with Nina and a Thai massage with Maja – note to self: Head massages make poodle hair and I need to make an appointment for a haircut – I am ready for a trip down memory lane to pioh, my chemo center. Memory lane?! Well, yes and no – I am not on the heavy chemos anymore, but I am doing chemo pills and need regular check-ups.

It is lovely to see nurse Fassbender, who wants to flush my port – sorry, but I no longer have one – and examines the insides of my hands …. apparently they are red, but not too much and I am being asked if the soles of my feet are red/ hurt. No, I am fine – no diarrhea and no vomating and the dosage will be increased to 4 pills of 500 mg morning and evening, which brings me to 82% of my dosage, which is calculated by body surface, which increased over the past few months (unfortunately due to weight, not height 😉). Tomorrow I will be taking the last chemo pills of my first cycle and my body can rest for a week – 1/8 almost done 🎉

I somehow like being back at pioh, have a jacket potato at the Bear Salad place afterwards, scroll around the second hand shop next door and grab a bag of licorice from Bärendreck Apotheke. I have to visit the oncology regularly, but I am glad it’s only brief rendezvous, as the weather is way too nice to spend it there and during the winter I did not mind too much…

Today is Mia’s first official visit to Leo’s Kindergarten, where she is starting next week. Another big step and it will be so much easier to have both kids in one place

…. it reminds me when Leo started Kindergarten there and Mia was just a little baby ❤️ My energy level hits rock bottom, when we leave Kindergarten and all three of us go home, skip Leo’s gymnastics, the kids play in the sand pad and I rest on the sofa 😉

#stepupfor30 – I booked a trial tennis lesson with Lutz for next week. It will make up for not doing any exercise on Sunday 😉 and I end the day with 30 minutes of restorative yoga calming body and mind – I am thrilled to have discovered yoga tutorials on Amazon Prime…. a whole new world is opening up 🙏

I watch a movie during the night…. and I am so emotional lately. I cry my eyes out and cannot fall asleep. It is a happy movie about people falling in love, having babies and my hormones play tricks on me. Yes, I really wanted another baby, wanted to be pregnant again, nurse another baby and yes, I should not be ungrateful, should be happy for what I have, etc etc…. should whatever. I love my two kids and they are the best that has ever happened to me and I know I am over 40, but I was already, when I had child number one and my dream was always to have four kids…. There were years when I thought that I would have to get used to the idea of not having any kids and having two was the biggest miracle ever! But I could have had another one, maybe, perhaps ….. the thing is that I would have loved to decide this myself – and not the cancer!

The day starts with bad news – another breastie in remission has metastasis…. this is so unfair and I no longer want this stream of bad news! People starting to live their lives again, smiling and laughing, while cancer kicks then in their bum…. but you picked the wrong ones 😉

My first appointment is music therapy and I am so lethargic that I need a taxi to have any chance to make it on time, the psycho oncologist cancels – thank goodness – and then a kids psychologist is the next appointment in line.

She reassures me, helps me to feels less guilty and says that the way I handle the situation makes sense. What did I do? I was open about the situation, spread the news about my cancer and went to Kindergarten without hair…. I did not want any talking behind my or worse behind my kids‘ back. And I wanted the cancer to be a normal part of our life. I chose the strategy to be offensive instead of defensive and as I talk a lot about anything, it would have been weird not to talk about the cancer…. it is nice to know that I can contact her any time and so can Markus.

I have the book „why does Mummy wears a hat during summer“, which I got from Eva, but she gives me a copy of „Chemo-Kaspar„, which seems to be good for small kids as well and refers me to a brochure, which I actually have at home – unread 😉

I leave feeling happy, supported and that any issues I face right now are really first world problems.

I lunch with chemo buddy Claudia, which is uplifting, I pick up Leo and his Kindergarten buddy and have a fun afternoon with screaming, laughing, baking waffles and creating my own little Bullerbü ❤️ Who needs four kids, when your kids invite their friends 😉

#stepupfor30 – no worries …. it is Monday and I go to yoga 🙏 and as if it is not enough – I signed up for a 21 day tapping challenge run by some Indian lady for inner peace and a 7 day FeelGood challenge run by a fellow breastie…. no physical activity involved here though 😉

#stepupfor30 – I need a timeout today…. maybe I overdid it a bit and maybe it’s the new chemo…. my body is hurting like I ran a marathon! Knees, hips, legs, arms, back, hands, fingers….In the afternoon, Markus and the kids leave for a bike trip and I can rest, which really helps! The intention is to go for a swim, but I have zero energy! Sorry, I will be up and running tomorrow 😉

23/30 of my #stepupfor30 challenge and I need to cheat a bit, as it is physical activity, but not in a sporty way…. I carry all our flea market items to the front yard, set it up and unfortunately pack almost all away again – I am gobsmacked and cannot move for the rest of the day! I am done and since every part of my body hurts – some of the credit certainly goes to the highheels I wore yesterday though 😉 – I consider my 30 minutes of physical activity are in any case in the books!

I put a lot of the leftovers on Ebay and will watch the football from the couch….. if I can stay awake this long 😂

#stepupfor30 – 7:30 am and I am jogging through the botanical gardens…. it is gorgeous, but I am tired… time for coffee with Maja ❤️

Tasty Pasty Co – the new shop on Schillplatz… what a brise of fresh air and little England in the heart of Nippes ❤️ …. my hope for a slimmer me is out of the window – today Maja and I have coffee, but I cannot wait to indulge myself in cream team, afternoon tea, shortbread …..hmmm!

Why do I meet Maja? She has the matching scarf to my light summer dress and since it is a bit cold, I need something to cover up…. feeling like a right Mrs. Bucket in my all colour matching, which is not really me, but you know what – I love it ❤️

Talking about colours and fashion – my dresscode used to be black, grey, dark blue…. sometimes a happy light grey or white, but since my diagnosis, I fancy wearing brighter colours! Watch this space…. I might turn into a fashion blogger 😂… not really!

We are off to Bernadette and Eric’s wedding and despite the fact that I never considered to get married, I looove going to other people’s weddings, am super romantic and the first one to cry! It is a lovely day and after church we take a boat across the Rhine river to the party location, which is perfect with a terrace overlooking Bonn and the river. I meet lovely people, see beautiful pregnant Miriam and am happy to sit next to Eva during dinner – who is also a cancer survivor and helped me a lot during my first days of being diagnosed ❤️

We actually stay until well after dinner and I am sad that I don’t have the energy to dance, but I am super proud that I managed the day this far and we are all tired on our way back home now!

A friend of mine tells me about the closing meeting with her oncologist, who is bubbling away while hinting that she should really not come back for any little concern, as it is probably not cancer?!? He probably meant that we all might think with a little headache that it might be a brain metastasis, but this is not the way it came across!

I am so upset – it is statements like that that stop patients from going to the doctors, when they feel that something is wrong! Don’t listen to the bla bla blas, don’t care what doctors/ other people think or that it may be ’nothing‘ – if you feel that something is wrong, see a doctor … no matter how often and if you are not taken seriously or have a funny feeling, insist to be checked properly or change your doctor!

Additionally he said that the outlook was grim anyway, if it came back?!? Any cancer is different, but can you be any more negative?!?! Surely positivity does not kill cancer, but it brings you a long way and painting all black really does not help. Again, he probably wants to be realistic, honest and everything I appreciate about any doctor, but maybe he should really check how he comes across – thank god my friend is strong enough to ignore it, but other patients might not!

#stepupfor30 challenge – I have to bend this a bit today: the physio therapist Frau Dietrich puts me on a power plate for 5 minutes, which is apparently equal to 30 minutes exercise….. ok, that would be too easy, but I do the weekly grocery shopping by bike. And if this still isn’t enough – I single-handedly load our VW van with all my flea market stuff – jam packed – and unload it with Lea at her house….after a glorious parking manoevre, where I slide effortlessly into their narrow driveway exceeding any male expectations. That must do for today, as every single muscle in my body hurts!

2/3 done of my #stepupfor30 challenge…. whoohoo! Tomorrow is calling for a quiet workout, as my body is hurting and I am done after my session in the park today with the Running Mamas 😜….

I am tired, but have a coffee with the girls and an iced coffee at the market in Nippes, as it simply sucks me in. I love the market, the vibrant colours, the atmosphere and screeming of the vendors in the sunshine makes me think I am somewhere mediterranean and I am enjoying every minute.

Sitting still is really difficult at the moment and already last evening I had the urge to get up regularly, as the longer I sit, the stiffer I am, when I get up. But I am ok – I watch the mummies with their babies chatting away, the old men having their cigarettes while debating and I am enjoying the here and now before I do my round of fresh produce hunting! It is a hot day and I shall avoid the sun, but Vitamine D is good and I enjoy it just a wee bit – time for a little nap in the garden in the shade me thinks 😉

The coffee kiosk is an institution, a melting pot and I am shocked to learn that they are planning to knock it down to build some public toilets …. I will find out what can be done to avoid this.

I feel like a grey poodle and am thinking about using the clippers myself, but quickly change my mind …. badly trimmed curls would give me an even stronger poodle resemblance I guess 😉

I manage to pick up both kids today and be on time at Mia’s gymnastics – and I glide in effortlessly – glowing with pride. Mia and Leo are bubbling away and the teacher tells me that Mia never speaks when attending with the household aids – and it breaks my heart! I hope I will be fit enough to regularly go to gymnastics with her from now on!

Task number one completed – I paid the balance for my mini cruise November 1st with all the Ex QE2 crew and now just pray that nothing will happen and that I can go!

Task number two – the carpenter is finally fixing the last issue from the water damage we had over a year ago next week – fingers crossed!

Off off to autogenic training!

Busy happy bee – me…. lots of appointments are lined up, but they are happy appointments in between like lunch with my kindergarten buddy Lars and tea with Lea while the kids are at gymnastics…

19/30 for #stepupfor30 is crunning – crawling and running…. or at least an attempt to do so…. I do a training/ warm up video and off I go….Not! It is super tiring and I am definitely not fit enough 😂 – A for effort …. By I was 30 minutes active and now I am off to meet the girls for tapas and pintxos at Willie Tanner (there are no pintxos, but the tapas are nice) and maybe a cheeky vino?

I am too careful during my first chemo week to have wine, but I have dessert and great company – thank you, girls!