Positivity!! I have always been a positive person and it really helps to get me through treatment, keeps me going and let me move on. There surely are ups and downs and the cancer journey isn’t a fun ride, but there is nothing I can do about it and to concentrate on the positive helps me, as I don’t have a choice anyway!

A smile will always help my mood and a laugh can lift me up! And I laugh a lot!

But there is also a downturn to this: Because I don’t moan all day, people always assume that I am alright…. people say… „you are so positive, you will beat the cancer“…. sorry to say, but positivity does not kill cancer. It helps and certainly can aid the recovery, but cancer is a beast and without my treatment, I could not survive… I have also learned to say, when I am not well – especially now that I look fit and healthy 😉 … or at least I try!

Furthermore, if it works for me, it does not necessarily work for someone else. Everyone has a different cancer story!! Don’t compare…. If you are generally not a positive person, why should you be one during cancer treatment?!? Everyone finds their own way through this, but what helps me a lot is the exchanges with my fellow cancer buddies….

Again, there are patients, who don’t want this closeness and especially in remission they try to distance themselves from the illness and that is absolutely ok and at some point for sure a good strategy. My chemo buddy Katja said after rehab, that she never ever wants to talk about cancer again!

For me, however, I get strength from my cancer buddies, I am still in treatment and am still not tired to talk about it – no matter, if it’s the ups or the downs we share….surely the downs and yes, especially death, hit me hard, but there is so much companionship, that it helps to share and we can even lift each other up and – at least for me – it means so much!

There are patients, who don’t want this close contact to other patients…. that is fine as well – we are all different, have our different ways to cope and please do us a favor – don’t stereotype….we give cancer a face, but we are still all individuals!!

After my running Mamas thrill today, I concentrate on …. surviving in tropical climate…. watermelon and splashpool… any recommendations??! And what was I thinking?!?! A hairdresser appointment at 5:00pm for my kids 🤦‍♀️ and before you ask – the smile is on my new shopping bag from Flying Tiger…. and I love it – €1 that puts a smile on my face ❤️

It is a hot hot summer, but a little iced coffee and a chat at Maja’s do the trick…. the main thing on my mind today is LASHES…. or rather parting lashes 😉

I finished the main chemos 5 1/2 months ago and last week I am suddenly loosing lashes …. not just a few, but a lot…. is this the regular renewal and as they all came back at the same time, they all leave together? Is it a side effect of my new chemo pills (I have the feeling that I am loosing hair as well, but it resists any hectic pulling and tearing of mine)?!? There are short stubbles, but less than half my lashes are left…. and my eyebrows suddenly seems ‚lighter’…. hmmm!

I check with my fellow cancer buddies – thank you #Instafriends…. always there when I need them – and it is the same for most of them… and it can apparently happen a few times past finishing chemo. The good news is that normally it levels out, meaning that the renewal is at some point slowly but surely staged and not simultaneously …. pfeww…. good that I know.

Energy levels are ok despite the tropical temperatures and since Leo has a ‚date‘ with Carla today, I have the pleasure of only taking one child to the public pool. I feel a bit tired, but how relaxing is that experience….it seems I always had two kids with me in the past, since I only had one summer with Leo alone before Mia was born…. the only drama – they sold out of french fries and basically any food part from icecream 😉

Chemo pills side effect of the day…. I helped Leo build LEGO yesterday and the skin on my thumbs is still sore from pushing the bricks in place….. hello?!? You must be joking…. extra cream tonight!!

Here we go again…. I am on the 8:20 flight from Munich to Cologne…. just like last Monday! Tired, but happy!

Due to high demand, the flight is operated by an Airbus A330, which is nothing unusual, but I have this long distance feeling, as I board the plane…. they show the distance of 435km and the world map on the screen – how I would love to just fly to Bali now… hmmm, but music therapy starts at 10:00 and I need to go back to Cologne into my little cancer world!

What motivates me? Yes, I look forward to seeing my kids again, booked my flights to London for late October and yes, music therapy is the highlight of my week…. someone from the ‚outside‘ world would just burst out laughing, thinking we are some sort of esoteric hare krisma singing circle standing on the roof terrace on the 12th floor, singing Hawaiian and Maori songs, but it does sooo much to me!

It is a hot day and I have flowers in my hair, see Kim dancing the hoola, am in the South Pacific in the crystal clear blue water, while sting rays float passed and my feet touch the sandy ground lined with palmstrees slowly dancing in the wind….the singing frees my body and mind, my voice is stronger and I am stronger….

Leaving my little South Pacific flower world, I see the psycho-oncologist and my to do is to cross off at least a third of any to do list I have 😉 I am happy to slowly make my way home, just need a quick referral from Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, buy bits and bobs and see Sonja for lunch….. I am so tired, but calm and happy and I think I am ready for this week… hopefully, but then again, it’s not that there are any alternatives anyway 😉

There is no energy for the rest of the day, it somehow I make it 8:00pm and I am off to bed now 😴…. please keep your fingers crossed that the kids will fall asleep soon!

Chillaxing with Micky…. hmmm…. I could stay forever…. reading, sauna, swimming in Eibsee….

In the late afternoon we are driving back to Munich, where it apparently rained all day….I am exhausted from doing nothing….happy as can be and look forward to seeing Anna & my nephews before going to Freising to stay with Anke & Jan and the kids 🤗

That’s it…. time with the people I love most! I enjoy these moments more intensely now….recharge my batteries with positive moments and happy memories!

Tomorrow I will arrive be back in Cancerville with appointments and Thursday my third cycle of chemo pills will start and it’s another step towards the end of treatment …. bring it on!

I am sitting at the airport in the wee hours of the morning, being tired and listening to the introduction of the Untire app…. is it cancer fatigue?!? Surely not always… I had less the five hours of sleep ahead of me by the time I went to bed last night and the kids wake me twice during this time…. hmmm…. but I am here now, ready for a chilled weekend with my brother. There are several stag dues… is it that or do these guys simply love to dress up in the same outfit and start the day with loads of beer?!? Who cares…. at least they are jolly. I am boarding with a group dressed up as a soccer team including the goalie Oliver Kahn…. yeah!

The Germans have the reputation of being stiff, sour, serious, etc. and yes, a lot of them can be…. but there are people in here and it seems a lot of them are in Cologne, who enjoy life and don’t take things too seriously … and yes, I am sitting right next to them in the plane and they sing Karneval songs from Cologne and at the end of the flight the entire plane is singing…. well, at least the people from Cologne, who know the words…. and that is why I chose Cologne, when I decided to live in Germany ❤️

It is raining cats and dogs as I leave the plane, but I am in a jolly mood…. it is ironic, as the entire month of July seems hot and sunny apart from these two days, who I spend with my brother at Eibsee lake 🤦‍♀️ the summer of the century decided to take a two day break …. whatever – more spa time!

Lucky lucky lucky….. the weather is ok, it just rains a little bit and Micky and I take a boat straight after arriving at Eibsee Hotel – the calm is amazing. Micky is fishing, but no reading for me…. I just enjoy the calm and peace. The water is flat and the clouds and trees and glimpses of Zugspitze reflect in the water while Micky is fly fishing, which is such a picture perfect way of fishing – I am in the middle of this Robert Redford and Brad Pitt movie! The time seems to stand still….we decide to hit the spa and the weather improves… I can swim in the lake and when Micky rows out onto the lake, I grab one of the Stand Up Paddling (SUP) boards and join him.

SUP – I tried it once …. days before my diagnosis. What a meditative way to move across the lake…. balancing, unwinding, concentration and slowing down…. we won’t have any fish for dinner, but luckily we are on hardboard 😉 enjoy your evening – I already feel like I have been here forever!

A beautifully normal day comes to an end… the kids are in kindergarten, I have coffee with Nadine, run some errands, rest and pick up the kids…. it is summer in the city, life is easy and beautiful and if I wasn’t tired, it could just be any nice normal day off….

Mum arrives for the weekend and I attend an blind-folded yoga class with Ina from Yogalicious at I’m possible yoga! I have a one month trial membership now and since Markus cannot do any sports for three month, I got the Thursday evening slot to do yin yoga there …. whohhooo…..

Doing yoga blind folded is a totally different experience and for some reason I completely loose orientation, as Ina turns me 90 degrees to face forward, which I thought I had been doing all along 😉… A great opportunity to forget everything and concentrate on breathing and yoga …. theoretically – surely my mind is still all over the place, but it calms me down….

At home I have evening madness with a wild screaming Mia – bless, she has a lot happening in her little life being in big kindergarten now and needs a lot of calming down and Mama cuddles and ages to fall asleep and I still have to pack – no procrastination this time…. I simply had no time – and I have to be at the airport at 6:30 for my flight to Munich 😴 Good night!

My energy level is at rock bottom – I am proud to have managed this week with Markus on crutches and short childcare hours, but I need this quiet time away now to recharge my batteries!

I can still do it…. I am still happy for other people and don’t begrudge someone their luck, their life and their happiness. Au contraire – it makes me happy to see their happiness!

Meeting my friend Andrea’s baby, who is not even a week old, let’s my heart melt…. yes, I will never be pregnant again, won’t have another child, will never nurse a baby again and yes, cancer decided that this is the way it is and it makes me sad, but you know what? There is nothing I can do about it – it is sad, but it’s ok. I am alive, I even have two wonderful children and I try to make the most of every day and life in general. I am happy for Andrea and Heinzi ❤️

Jealousy is not healthy and a waste of energy – if I would start the why me, why not me, why them, blablabla, it would not get me anywhere, but simply frustrate me…. I live a healthy lifestyle, but I have cancer…. I cannot say that I don’t do it at all though. Yes, I look at other people, at happy healthy people and a bit of looking around is ok. Sometimes it makes me sad, but it is mainly not the happy healthy people – despite the slight jealousy of a carefree life, but who truly has a carefree life?!? It’s the moaning people, who I don’t have the nerve to listen to – mainly about nothing or other people… then again, that’s a very German thing and I never liked it along with attacking strangers, telling them what they are doing wrong, only seeing the negative and being generally bitter…. and yes, I am sad and frustrated at times that I cannot do everything I want, but I try to minimize comparing, try to focus on the things I can actually do and maximize living. It is a balancing act, but I try my best to stay on track! Being tired and having aches & pains is an absolute ok price to pay right now – I just really hope it’s temporary – as I am lucky that my treatment almost killed my tumor, I am happy to be here and I appreciate it every single day!

Here is a special recommendation – aloe vera infused hydrating gloves & socks with some kind of silicone or gel layer inside! Doro sent them to me as a gift after their trip to the Canary Islands and now they come in handy, as one major side effect of chemo pills is dry hands and feet and if not moisturized well enough, they can get all red, sensitive and full of blisters….. thanks, Doro, I feel all prepped!

My friend Hera is in town, but the last minute breakfast date is too spontaneous, as I have already dropped the kids off at Kindergarten and am on my way to LaufMamaLauf – what a pity… she is leaving town shortly afterwards. I had saved my energy for my exercise programme today and it feels really good! I have a coffee with the girls, a quick lunch with Maja and after a little rest, I pick up my kids. Markus is fit enough to make it on crutches to the public pool and Steffi, our household aid, helps me to prepare everything and the kids and off we go! It is a beautiful afternoon and evening and I will now have a quiet evening after having just finished my second chemo cycle! The week will continue without any appointments and I love it and next week I am ready for all doctors, therapist & oncologists! Bring it on!

Help! This is a difficult one! How can one help? What is right? What is wrong? What is a no go?!?

I wish there was that one answer that would always work, but there isn’t. What helps one day, does not work the next – at least for me! And what helps me, might not help someone else!

I don’t need pity and despite all good intentions of „let me know, if I can help“, I have difficulties to phrase it sometimes… sometimes I need to talk, sometimes I don’t… I know that a lot of people feel helpless, are afraid to say the wrong things, but there is no real wrong…. often saying something wrong is better than nothing, but nothing is better than „why do you have cancer“ or nonsense…. see, it depends!

What did help so far was ….

1) to put all my potential helpers in a What’s App group for any emergencies! This means for me that I say it once that I need something and the group can see, if anyone is available…..

2) actions – people who offer something specific e.g. Nina and Luisa’s „we will pick up your kids next Thursday, when you have chemo and have a play date at our house“ thank you! Bringing some food over – like my neighbour Gracie does today… her Indian cuisine is to die for and new dad of two, Heinzi and Markus equally love it… hmm….

3) normal things – ask me, if I want to go out, join in, whatever…. I say no, if I don’t feel like it…. even if I don’t show much initiative, I appreciate it…. yes, I am a bit more reactive lately than proactive

4) call me – I will simply not pick up the phone, if I have no time or don’t feel like it, write cards, letters, etc…. I appreciate every single one…. needless to say that my little chemo sisters girls club supported me with words and presents prior to every single chemo along with so many other presents that I feel truly blessed

5) don’t bother me…. share your normal problems, but I don’t need cancer worries – if you can’t deal with it, please talk to someone else – I need my positive energy for myself and my kids and only have limited extra resources…. I do, I can carry you along, but only to a certain extend

6) if I say no, don’t question it – normally I am already beyond ok, when I say that I am not well…. yes, I have hair, but I don’t have my strength or energy back yet, as I am still in chemo….

7) don’t challenge me mentally …. I am not a good decision maker, but right now, I always try to find simple and quick solutions for everything…. I often just cannot be bothered with complicated stuff (which might seem so easy to you – it’s a burden for me)

8) stop moaning about nonsense….. I like a good moan, don’t get me wrong, but only in little portions 😉 whinge away

9) make a joke – I am still myself, still like to laugh and any humour is ok – including cancer jokes …. my brother is good at it!

10) it is called cancer…. name it …. it is not ‚it‘, the situation, etc…. it is cancer!

And as I write this – my little Mia is sleeping in Kindergarten…. and I will go there now for her to see me, when she wakes up ❤️

The song „sleeping beauty was a pretty child“ is in my head as Mia rephrased it to „poo-poo was a pretty word“…. oh well! I shouldn’t, but I love it!

Today is my day off after bringing the kids to kindergarten and I sleep, but feel that there is no improvement…. we could not get extra household aid hours from our provider, while Markus is on sick leave and though I feel strong enough and happy to get the kids ready in the morning, have breakfast with them and drop them off, this is as far as my energy lasts today. I go pick up the kids at 1:00 and my heart melts when they tell me how happy Mia is, how she sings all day and bubbles away….. so far, there was not a single tear and I am so proud of her.

I feel that she needs more of me for the rest of the day though and I have some lunch in the restaurant, while they get a small ice cream and a comic, as I am starving and feel I don’t want to go home straight away….and when we get home, Markus is there to play with the kids – he is on crutches, but fit – and our household aid arrives at the same time and is doing the rest. And I rest…. Mum stops by for a few hours on her way home from Munich, therefore I have a lot of support, but I feel sorry for the kids. They have another day at home – they are fine with it… it’s just me!

It is 30 degrees, I would have loved to go to the water playground, the public pool or the lake, but I have zero energy – feel sorry to lay in bed with the blinds closed, but…..maybe …. tomorrow, when kindergarten will try to let Mia stay until after nap time… fingers crossed! I will leave the bedroom, when there is more shadow on the terrace…. a bit later… but for now, I rest!

I feel weaker than in my worst chemo times, tired, so awfully tired and exhausted. It is cancer fatigue at it’s best and the restless night did not help… Leo had nightmares and in the early morning hours I finally carried him over to my bed. Reflecting on my cancer treatment so far….Yes, it has been a long journey and I am glad my body can rest today, even if my mind does not like it right now. My body has done a tremendous job so far and has been coping with two operations, 28 radiations, 16 chemos and is currently facing the second cycle of chemo pills…..I need to give it some rest and train my mind constantly to accept the fact that the body has trouble keeping up with my mind.

Next weekend is my trip with my brother Micky to Zugspitze…. he will be fishing in the Eibsee and I will be reading and it is the first weekend I am allowed to enjoy the sauna again – they have a wonderful wellness area and the lake is a dream – you swim and can look up to Zugspitze! This is what I look forward to… I climbed Zugspitze before, but this time, we will take the gondola 😉

I hear the kids laughing and dry my tears. By now there should be some shade and I will be with them and put my feet in the splash pool! Onwards and upwards! I am going to bed with the kids now ….