No blog post today – I only post this for you not to worry, if I am silent!

Meditation – this is something literally everyone recommended I should do after I got my diagnosis… but how?!?! I had some experience with guided meditations through my travels and yoga practices, but needed to find a way to bring regularity into this….. I quickly discovered Headspace (thanks Oli!) and when I could no longer run away from my thoughts and feeling, as I had pneumonia and was stuck in hospital, it was my anchor and it literally saved me from going insane 😉

I always want to be good at everything and most of the time I am not…. I was the one, who could never turn a wheel, I cannot roll my tongue and the list of thing I am not good with is long…. and with meditation I had this feeling that I am not good at it either…. but there is a difference. I figured that I don’t have to be ‚good‘ – I just have to do it! Just taking out 10 minutes every day, 10 minutes you only care about yourself, is all it takes….constant dripping wears away the stone 🙏

My peak meditation time was in Bali and somehow the regularity stopped then…I came back all calm, strong and somehow did not get the hang of it any more…I added the 7Mind app into my repertoire, which is in German, then Calm for meditation sounds, checked out Amazon prime for chanted mantras, downloaded the SeeBeNow app, which features a few of my teachers from Bali and also includes yoga, even upgraded my Headspace account, which I can all highly recommend…. and I remembered something I started in hospital back in December – listening to Laura Seiler’s Daily Self love advent calendar, which I did not like at first…. too soft, too mellow, too much positivity – all kippers and curtains to me … it seemed all too commercial, but I listened to some of her podcasts lately and she seemed calmer, more real or maybe it was me, who changed…. and yesterday I did her „Spiritual Sunday“ meditation – and it was very powerful and I was weeping like a little child! She mentioned at the end that people meet in many cities to exchange experiences…. and I signed up for it. It’s tonight….I am a bit scared, but want to be open to new things….and suppose I can always leave, if it is too spiritual for my likings 😉

I have always been open to this, but sometimes it is too much…. remember me having to feel someone’s aura?!? Sorry, I am too much of a head person for this! But mindfulness is something I am focusing on! I return to Eckhard Tolle, who’s voice I got slowly used to over the years and listen to the podcasts Oprah’s Supersoul, 7Mind and Laura’s Happy, Holy & Confident ….. let me know what you can recommend!

Music therapy ties in quite nicely to this topic today as we talk about our feelings, music and meditation. We are singing a Tibetan mantra – and suddenly, I am in McLeod Ganj…. where I did a silent retreat with a Tibetan nun years ago…. I see the misty hills, hear the bells and the chanting in an incense enriched air, before we travel to Polynesia and I am on the beach, with flowers in my hair moving in the sea breeze, feeling the sand under my feet resting my mind while gazing at the calm sea…..an African tune puts me in the middle of a group of little boys playing soccer on a dusty field with red sand clouds twirling above their heads. I leave filled with happy moments until we meet again in September! I will check out Jon Kabat-Zinn in the meantime ….Thank you, LebensWert e.V. for this little weekly bliss!

#BraveBrightBeautiful – that’s what I want to be, but in the mornings it’s normally #OldTiredStiff…. not today though…. I am waken by some rays of sunshine on my face at 9:00am – peace, quietness and warmth fill the room and I can just turn around, linger in bed and have a first quiet coffee, while doing nothing!

I facetime with my kids – they are all happy, excited, knights in action and adventurers getting ready for a trip to the dear park with my parents … Leo was sick last night, had a fever and vomited – my poor baby! It is good to see him all happy and feisty ❤️

What to do with this beautiful day, when I don’t have to save my energy for my kids?!? Oh, no worries – there is a long list and I will randomly pick one or two things or just meditate, chill, read and have more coffee in bed! Heaven 🤗

I am looking after myself today, pamper myself, will put on comfortable clothes, some make-up, treat myself to a nice breakfast somewhere …. but maybe I sleep a little more and listen to myself – self love inside out …. even if it’s sometimes hard to love yourself, I still try to look after myself – mindfulness makes me #BraveBrightBeautiful!

#BraveBrightBeautiful is an initiative DKMS LIFE started – what makes you #BraveBrightBeautiful? Tell us, use the hashtag and tag DKMS LIFE!

My kids are going for a few days to my Mum’s before we pick them up for our holidays…. I want to spoil them beforehand, give Markus a lay in, make yellow and green pancakes, play silly games and let them watch their first 20 minutes of Sesame Street – ever – and it brings back all my childhood memories with Ernie, Cookie Monster and the rest….loads of cuddles and kisses and off they go!

Oh, I have so much to do, to sort, to pack, +500 unread emails, unopened letters, piles of stuff, I need to pack, …. but I just need some sleep… and a massage… and first of all… coffee!!

They leave me at IKEA….oh, don’t ask…. and I lunch, scroll through the ailes humming a song, buy things I think we need …. no, no tealights… and what is anyone else’s nightmare – IKEA on a Saturday – is something I suck in in slow motion, having a coffee, chilling on the displayed sofas and watching the crowds….the arguments of the old couple, who cannot agree on where to sit in the restaurant, the happiness of the young couple discussing baby gear, while he softly tickles her babybelly and the funny lady who cannot decide what colours the embroidery on her friend Elke’s cushion should have, as her taste is more ‚country style‘ …. it is a bit normality I watch, tired, but happy and since I cannot carry it all home, I get a DriveNow Mini – convertible of course – turn up the music and drive home to do absolutely nothing….apart from getting the candy drawer out and eating junk food without anyone watching!

Despite all the resting, the tiredness and all – Markus and I will out tonight – even if it is only for an hour….I need fresh air, sunshine, friends, food, wine and Schillplatz – one of my favorite spots in Cologne!

Teeth – I never had good ones and I was always scared of losing them, had horrible dentist visits and the simple thought of visiting a dentist would give me shivers – not even the little rubber animals I was rewarded with could help! Yes, I definitely ate too much candy, the creaking of my grandma’s candy drawer would let me drool like Pavlov’s dog, I was happy each time I could get away without cleaning my teeth and my dentist really made me suffer a lot, if there was something that needed mending – the dentist practice smell was enough to make me sick 😉

My dentist in Cologne is great though, he fixed all my teeth, I learned that it does not have to hurt and it’s like a little social event to see them – in a way I now look forward to these visits, but it is still one of my worst nightmares that I could be loosing my teeth and I look after them!

Having your teeth cleaned professionally, is something I was not allowed to do during my last chemos due to the risk of an infection, but I got the ok yesterday and my dentist has a free slot today! I never thought I would be so happy to go – one more step towards normality!…. despite the fact that I almost fall asleep there 😂

Bones can suffer from chemo and there is more tooth bleeding and all this fun stuff …. I was worried about my teeth during chemo, but my teeth are all ok and I am over the moon and drag myself home to take over the kids. We are baking a cake, watch a little movie and I am – yep, I know, I am repeating myself – tired, but happy with those little rascals ❤️

„I am telling you for the last time“ chemo nurse Fassbender gives me a lecture.., and I know that she means well! „You have to say good bye to your cancer – tell him that in November you are parting ways!“

It makes me think, yes, definitely we are going separate ways, yes, I need to identify my energy killers, yes, yes, yes, but…. my chemo brain is running slowly today and I will process the information later 😉

„I told you – this is the hardest time – you are still in treatment, but look healthy and fit!“ and yes again – I feel the weakest since starting treatment! And I try to do whatever is good for me – in this aspect I am doing worst since starting treatment! Maybe I am tired of it…. maybe I want to be strong again and try too hard… I will concentrate on the highlights, which lie ahead of me!

Markus and the kids are visiting their grandparents and I can rest when I get home…. I am so exhausted just from having physio therapy and seeing the onchologist – but today is the first day of my chemo free week and I have my little doctor’s examining me thoroughly, so I can finish the day with some light Yin Yoga 🙏

It is amazingly warm at almost 30 degrees at 11pm, when Simone and I cycle back from the Philharmonia concert „The 27 Club“…. it feels like I am in a mediterannean country, as the warm air blows trough my hair and the Rhine river sparkles in the night… I am filled with happiness as I return home – the concert was a trip down memory lane and it was great to share it with my chemo sisters, who I a so fortunate to have in my life. They are not actually chemo patients, but my mummy friends, who virtually held my hand during chemo and if it would have been allowed to bring someone along, they would have joined me, they gave me a chemo playlist, books, vouchers, lovely cards, gadgets…. and I get another present and card for completing chemo cycle number three – these crazy chicks…Andrea joined us despite her new baby Änne not even being a month old and I was well impressed! Christiane, one of the four, was ill, but Kindergarten mum Nadine stepped in last minute and I enjoyed it – despite my hip hurting in any sitting position 🤦‍♀️

The day also marked my end for my „Dry July“ fundraiser for DKMS LIFE and I had a Spritzer last night to celebrate…thank you for all the donations! Already via Facebook, we raised €645! But you can still donate via the DKMS LIFE’s website – subject „Kick Cancer Chick“!

Today – crazy madness and pure happiness to have the kids at home all day and Berlin is coming closer, where I will meet a lot of my virtual Insta friends, who are so dear to me…. goosebumps! I take a time out though, when household aid Steffi arrives and will have an early night, as Markus is going out tonight 🤗

Renewal of eyelashes happens serenely every few months…. generally it is a gradual process, but for me, my new lashes decide to renew themselves all at once! Now is there any need for that?!? I heard that after a while it goes back to a gradual renewal… fingers crossed that this won’t be too long!

Ok, we are having first world problems here and to be honest, I am not as devastated as the first time I lost them, as there is immediate regrowth!

Today is apparently the hottest day so far … therefore the kids and Markus go to the pool and I take over after my alternative practitioner, BUT… instead of going straight to the pool after my appointment, I learned my lesson and will try to rest!

I will need my energy for tonight, as I gave my chemo sisters – my mummy friends who supported me all along chemo – concert tickets for Christmas…. thinking that this would be over, thinking that I would have already thrown my „thank you all – I am cancer free“ party…. but hey, I no longer plan ahead too much! I really look forward to tonight 🤗

🎵🎶🎵 Monday – Music therapy day….oh what joy! I am glad we sing not only English and German, but also African and Maori songs, as my mind does not attach to the words – I actually have no clue what it means or quickly forget it and my mind takes off on little adventurous journeys. Today I fly through the coulds, dance along the beaches of the South Pacific, think about myself, but I also run through our grocery shopping list…. it is a rollercoast ride, I cry, I laugh, then I have trouble strike the right notes, but the last song is – as always – uplifting and I go full of happy tunes to see my psycho onchologist …. and yes, she is right, I need to give myself more breaks… easy in theory, but with two little kids, it’s such a difficult balancing act!

I only have three long lashes left, but put on happy nails and try to keep the positive vibes 🎶🎵🎶

An alliance – that is what we are…. we are on this path together. No matter what cancer, no matter what background, I feel the special connection between the cancer patients – it’s the sense of understanding without words.

Chemonurse Fassbender says you cannot go along with everyone and at one point, you need to distance yourself, as there will always be new patients, but I feel that I want to stay….

Sophia contacted me yesterday. A young mother of a little baby about to face her first chemo and I try to help and it makes me happy, if I can just make a little difference!

Someone, who really makes a difference, is Nicole aka Prinzessin uffm Bersch…. this breast cancer survivor and wonderful mother of a handicapped son, has created an amazing website with tons of information and wants to help anyone diagnosed with breast cancer, but is also actively ‚out there‘ doing good and increasing awareness. Check out her site on Facebook – this lady is such an inspiration and help to so many people! I am honored that she asked me to write my story for her blog.

I am weak today, stay all day at home, play with the kids and rest, while Markus takes them to the zoo in the afternoon.

The past weeks, there were a lot of bad news, these moments, when you learn about reoccurrences, metastasis, death and despite the fact that all handle it differently, it touches all of us…you feel helpless, angry, frightened and often it simply pulls the rug out from under your feet! We had not heard from our Insta friend Tom for ages…. yes, I had the worst thoughts, but today he wrote to me and it made my day! Thank goodness!