Weekends have a different meaning now, as radiation makes my weeks busy and I can finally have a laying, as the kids are nicely playing with each other! I feel I am on top of the world, but it does not last for long…. we go to the market and by the time we hit the zoo playground, I am exhausted and have to sit on a bench…. I don’t even see my kids and decide to sit underneath the climbing frame in the shade…. great! Not!

While the kids have lunch in the zoo, I take my bike to run some errands and while riding my bike always gives me a feeling of freedom, makes me happy and makes me feel alive, I also feel the sun …. I am drenched and exhausted.

Thinking about it, I am happy that my chemo was during the winter months – I love the sun, but I cannot stand the heat, prefer the shade or the seaside to summer heat in the city and am glad that some friends are coming over for a chillaxing BBQ this afternoon – it is just what I need.

Markus is going out tonight and all I want to do is sit outside, read – for a change – and have a glass of wine!

„Code red code red“ …. I have actually no idea what the announcement was, but suddenly all the doors in the radiation center open and loads of people in white coats run up the stairs past the waiting area carrying different equipment…. we wait and see and I am being called into radiation 19/28 and am being informed that it was a medical emergency…. I am shortly relieved that it was not a radiation accident and even more relieved that it was a false alarme….. while the radio beams run trough my chest (you don’t actually feel a thing and with all the red and green lights, I always wonder when it is actually active….) I think about the different emergency codes we had onboard the cruiseships… there is a code for fire, medical emergency, pirates, man overboard, etc., which only the crew understands in order not to distract the guests onboard. Today, I am code tired, but I think it is getting better!

The train station is next door to my radiation center and Sabrina and I meet there to drop off some chocolate for the team of the DKMS, who work onboard a train, which tours all week through Germany to register stem cell donors, as it is World Blood Cancer day on the 28 May, when their last stop is in Berlin – tomorrow is Leipzig and Sunday Hamburg! Please go there to get registered – it can save lifes – Sabrina’s for example! If you can’t go, you can request a donation set to be sent to you – check out the website!

Registration is super easy – you just hold a cotton bud into your mouth. In case you are a match, it is really easy as well to be a donor and it is a myth that they have to puncture your bone marrow – most of the donors nowadays have to give blood and that’s it….I am happy to support DKMS in any way I can, as I no longer qualify as a donor and had to inform them to delete me from their database – who wants to be my replacement?!?

I am resting now to have energy for my trial yin yoga session with im possible yoga and an afternoon with Hannah, Finlay & Josephine – sunshine, 28 degrees and a splashpool …. what else do you need 🤗

I have a magic moment last night – autogenic training is nice, relaxing and I enjoy it, but the big WOW comes in form of Bokoma rings, which Beatrix Häcker gives us in between two exercises …. I wish I had known about them earlier! You slide these metal rings, which are similar to winded elastic hairbands, onto your fingers, move them up an down and not only do they relieve any pain I have, but also take away the numbness and my fingers seem to be less swollen … I order them straight away after my return home and will probably wear them 24/7 from now on 😀

Another positive side effect is a very deep and relaxing sleep and I feel actually quite good in the morning!

Radiation 18/28 goes smoothly and I decide that it’s about time to ask, if I need to see a doctor at any point and if I have missed something, as other radiation patients have to see a doctor every week?!? No mistake or missed action on my part – the radiographers will apparently advise me when I need to see a doctor unless I feel that I want to see one…. no, thanks! By the time I leave the radiation center and my eyes lids are suddenly really heavy – oh joy…. at least I had an awake couple of hours today…. babysteps 😉

I am meeting my Insta friend Angela for breakfast at Alte Feuerwache and actually stay for lunch, as it is so good to see her! We were both diagnosed in August 2017 and had roughly the same timing with everything …. it is once again really nice to share! Thank you ❤️ I look forward to getting my first proper trim at our wigmaker & hairdresser Tatjana Richartz!

We do agree that once the chemo is over, there is a gap …. nobody is there to check your blood regularly, there are no checks, scans, etc. to make sure that all is going according to plan… is there a plan? There are too many negative news lately of recrudescence during treatment or early remission… maybe it is time that the health system and the insurance companies focus a bit more on post-rehabilitation support, as it all seems a bit re- instead of proactive. Offence is the best defence and in the long run, it could save money …. I am not there yet – at the end of this way – but from all the stories I see and hear, there seems to be too much leeway in the after care, which is spot on in some clinics/ countries and random in others. Now here is something the „Invisible Army“ can shed some light on 😉

Radiation 17/28 …. 11 to go and if I will be any more tired, there won’t be any getting up for me any more ……whaaaaa!!!!

I am proud to have stopped by the InterNations meeting yesterday, do some sports and run some errands today, but I am actually quite relieved that chemo Claudia cancelled our date today, as radiation has apparently the same effect on her…. 😴😴😴

I think I have never been this tired and exhausted ever…. and I have worked in hospitality, in different time zones, nights and have two small kids….

Sleeping in the garden in the rain is the most beautiful thing I have done for ages and we will see how I will survive the rest of the day until my first autogenic training tonight!

I am home after radiation and a reflexology and acupuncture session – calm, tired and sentimental. Even my fingers hurt now in the morning, but Ingrid says it is the same for her and it feels like we are these two whinging grannies complaining about their aches and pains 😂

Throwback Tuesday?!?!! London 1998 – my friends from Aachen visit me for my 25th birthday and we do some sightseeing – I had managed to save 1.000DM and just bought my first car! It was one of my happiest times!

If my life was a movie, London would be the location for some of the key scenes, which leveraged my lifelines and my love.

I have always been fascinated by London and when my flight attendant buddy Jan told me about his plans to study at Thames Valley University (now University of West London), I applied to study Tourism Management there…..

A lot of my closest friendships started in London – it was my 22nd birthday, when I met Jan’s girlfriend Anke in the dreadful nightclub „Broadway Boulevard“ ❤️ and lived with some funny, weird and wonderful people.

This is where I first met Markus, the father of my kids, when my friends from Aachen brought him along for my 23rd birthday…. he had really long hair back then!

Just after my 25th birthday, I dated Nick, who suddenly vanished and broke my heart. I was recruited to work onboard the Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) for the summer and ended up going to sea for nine years – after which Nick miraculously reappeared …. but that’s another story!

On the 26th August 2017, I was in the shower in London, getting ready to travel down to Southampton for the QE2 50th anniversary crew reunion, when I felt a lump in my left breast….

I love the country, the people and the accent! I need to plan another trip there – and I want make my 2CV fit again, when I have the money. I will probably go to an InterNations evening tonight to bring some international flair into my life!

Fatigue…. cancer fatigue, kids fatigue, whatever fatigue…. I am soooo tired!

I had this picture taken by Annegret Balsereit about half way through chemo, just before loosing my last eyebrows and lashes and I don’t think that I was this tired then…. but then again, it is all a bit blurry 😉

My eyebrows and lashes are back, my hair is back, but radiation is adding to my fatigue and even though I look fitter, I am not! Looks can deceive … looking healthy, looking fit, looking rich, poor, pretty, ugly, smart, stupid whatever…. you only see the outer shell, but you will not know what is happening inside until you speak to me! Cancer is not visible and neither are all the treatment side effects.

After brunch at Simone’s, I return early to start cleaning the balcony (no, I am not a typical cleaning-my-car-and-everything-during-a-public-holiday German, but the professional drainage cleaners are coming around tomorrow ….. oh whatever…. it only means putting some chemicals onto the floor and leave it…. big deal)…and to rest a bit!

I am tired and scroll – despite the weather being brilliant – through the social media….. and what do I read? People suffer from fatigue years after treatment?!? OMG – things have to change and the same post from Anna talks about an anti fatigue app for cancer patients….. whaaaaattt?!? I download it straight away and whenever I will have a bit energy in the future, I shall test it – it is called Untire – beating cancer fatigue 🤔

I am proud to have finally prepared my tax return yesterday tough and am determined to send the 25 year high school reunion invitation email this week …. babysteps!

Being in Meschede brings back many memories – childhood memories, youth memories…. coming home late from a lovely evening with Frauke and watching TV with my brother in the middle of the night, is something I have not done forever…. normal, nice and peaceful!

I manage to visit my school friend Anne-Karen and her family today. She is married to Tobias, who also went to school with us and it is quite funny how life and love takes crazy turns, as they fell in love years after having left school! I have know Anne-Karen since I was 10, spent most my youth with her and it also feels like ’normal‘ life being with her in the house she grew up in – and normal is what I need right now.

I want to do normal things and plan a holiday for the summer, but need to know my chemo schedule presuming that I will be fit enough, I will organise something easy, where I can rest and relax. Ideally I want to be by the seaside, but a lake would already do…. let’s see what I find – after all I work in the travel industry and should take advantage 😉. A short trip to see my godmother Ingrid at her place in Mondsee is definitely possible and I might go by myself to chill, meditate, swim and relax between chemos!?! We will see….

Before we take off, we manage to stop at the Hotel von Korff to see my cousin Antje, her husband Dirk and my godchild Sophia. I feel old having a godchild – or actually two, as my other godchild Lale is Sophia’s age – who is a young woman herself and Antje reminds me of my childhood, kids birthday parties and the times we spent in the hotel – my grandfather was actually born in room 8 and I love the house!

I am happy to be back in Cologne and happy that tomorrow is another public holiday, as my breast can do with a break – I noticed a sun tan this morning in the radiated area and it tickles a bit 😉

„Why do you have cancer, Mummy?“ It is the curiosity and honesty of children, which is the purest – this is what makes it the hardest and the easiest at the same time… children ask me directly why I am bald and I can talk about it. I will always prefer that to any talking behind my back, whispering or pretending that I have hair…. well, I think I have just passed a level, where my hair looks purposely trimmed, but you know what I mean 😉

Why do I have cancer? I swallow and pause before I tell my son that nobody really knows why one has cancer and that I was just unlucky, but that it is gone now and I have more treatment in order to make sure that it does not come back! Yes, I really really hope that this is the way it will go …

We are visiting my parents, as my brother Micky and his son Finn are in Meschede. „You have hair in your face!“ Yes, honesty – my nephew is honest, but this is a sore point…. I have new born fluff all over my body…. my arms, my shoulders, my neck and on my face. The face really bothers me and I hope it will soon fall out, as I am scared that if I plug it, it might grow back…. I tell my nephew that I am planning to grow a beard in order to be the main attraction in a circus 😉 If it grows any longer I will plug it and face the risk of terrible regrowth.

We spend the afternoon in H1, a new event location right by our local lake (Hennesee) and it feels like being on holiday – water, sun, a cool location with a beautiful terrace overlooking the Hennesee with great food! Wow – they are building a large playground and you can hire stand-up paddling boards and boats…. This is such an upgrade for the lake, my new hangout for when in Meschede ❤️ and we will go there again tonight with my school friend Frauke!

Radiation 15/28 is done and I am waiting for my first colonoscopy …. whoohooo!

I actually know two women, who work in the endoscopy department in St. Vincent hospital and I am happy they are not the ones doing it…

My two babies were born in this hospital and it is a place I like to be! I am a bit nervous…. what if…. but it does not help anyway 😉

I have to put on sexy x-large shorts with an opening in the back….The team is really nice, but they have trouble finding a vein … thank you chemo – nice side effect, which will probably stay ! As the blood pressure meter inflates for the second time, I realize that they put it on the arm, where some lymph knots are missing …. ahhh! That is a no go, which I have to remember, but I am happy I was not asleep yet and dose off while they check my bowel.

My vision is blury and I am a bit dizzy, when I wake up, get dressed and wait for my results – large and small intestine are all fine and I get a compliment how well prepared and clean it all was….. hmmmm 🤔

I have late lunch and coffee with the girls, slowly walk home with a little rest in the park and look forward to a relaxed afternoon and evening in the garden 😎

Half time ….. whoohooo radiation 14/28 is in the books 🎉🎉🎉

Otherwise I have first world problems today 😉 Tired…. yep, no surprise here. I shall eat only limited dietary fibre due to my colonoscopy tomorrow and from 4 pm I stop food all together and empty my bowel…. ahhhhh…. yuck!

I have nothing planned for today, right …. apart from radiation, where I swish in and out without makeup, bring back some white bread rolls and do … NOTHING until the kids come home and that is the first time since ages! No phone calls, no to dos – it’s not that there isn’t a list of things I have to do, but not today! I linger around in bed, eat and watch movies, etc…. awwww – that’s the life 😍

And now the kids will be home any minute and I have to drink the Moviprep to prepare myself for my first colonoscopy …. wish me luck!