Things you (or rather I) realize when you loose your hair:

– the back of my head is NOT flat…. why did I ever believe that?!? Every time I used to tie a ponytail, I would pull it higher due to my ‚flat‘ back of my head…. every time at the hair dressers, I would ask them to layer the back a bit more being flat….. why?!? I do not see any flatness and thank goodness do I know now and no longer waste energy on pointless flat head talk 😉

– talking about hair dressers… they would always ask where my natural parting was and I said „right“…. why!?!?! There is short hair growing from the left of my forehead to my right…. hmm…. did chemo change my parting or was that another myth 😉

– the amount of time you save not having hair is amazing – and it still looks good without doing anything….I like! No out of bed hair – no bad hair days 👍🏻

– other people might also save shampoo, but I used it all the way through thinking that my head needs cleaning from chemo poison and shampoo felt right … and I had just bought a king size „Bed Head“ shampoo days before my diagnosis

– stress you avoid when your mother – even though I am over forty – can no longer ask you to please comb your hair before leaving the house

– no loosing of clips or hair bands, nothing to worry about and neither humidity nor wind can do any harm…People with curly hair will know exactly what I am talking about …. you straighten or blowdry your hair and a bit of rain and wind makes hours of straightening wasted within seconds…. my hair is the same now – no matter what the weather or circumstances are like!

My hair and I will have a quiet day with Leo, as Markus is visiting his mother in hospital today and I am a bit under the weather after the wonderful evening last night and the drinks that came with it – I am not used to it anymore. We will be Indians, I will BBQ a few sausage and we will have lunch in the tipi I sewed for the kids, will blow bubbles and enjoy the warm and sunny weather…. and I cannot wait for my parents to bring Mia back this afternoon.

I feel a bit rusty this week. It might be owed to the fact that I did not do any sports apart from skiing, but I rather think that it is probably the lack of cortisone, which makes me realize just a little more that my bones and joints are hurting a bit, especially when I stand up after sitting for a while…. but I rather have some little aches here and there than cortisone and the Michelin man face and body…. not that I got rid of it yet, but it is better already!

It probably did not help that I had two bars of chocolate …. whaaaat!?!? Yes, I know…. I think last I managed to eat two I had an eating disorder…. Mission for Monday – I need to reduce sugar! The good news is…. it was Bio 😉😂 I had a bad night, am extremely tired and maybe this explains the craving?!? Not really….

Nevermind – for now I am enjoying the summer feeling in Cologne, Leo and I put some old clothes on and paint a garden table for the kids (yes, child labour is something that works really well for me 😉), go to the market and buy flowers for the balcony. Summer is here and I realize that I need to either let my hair grow really fast or need to think about proper protection…. am not really a hat person, but I found the ones I got for little money at … I think … IKEA or Butler’s last year…. any recommendations?!?

Anyhow, Simone is throwing a party with her husband at Gruber’s tonight and I cannot wait…. 🎉, but I will quickly put my feet up and rest on the terrace in order to not fall asleep tonight 😉

Amazing Amy passed away yesterday…. she was such an inspiration, beautiful inside and out, a cat crazy woman glittering in all colours of the rainbow and on a mission to raise awareness, money and promote blood donations! Amy did not want pity, she wanted to see action!

Bowel cancer is something that does not only effect old people! April is bowel cancer awareness month and the most common symptoms include:

• You have to go to the loo more often than usual.
• You are loosing weight for no reason.
• Bleeding from your bottom and/or blood in your stool.
• Feel a pain or lump in your tummy.
• Are extremely tired for no obvious reason.

If you have any symptoms or if things don’t feel right, see a doctor and persist to be checked properly – there is nothing to feel ashamed of! When Amy was diagnosed she was already stage IV….

I have never donated blood in my life, as simply the thought of needles made me sick… well, after two pregnancies and all the cancer treatments so far, i would not consider myself a needle lover, but I am an expert and have my routines. I would be happy to give blood now, but I no longer can …. there are a lot of cancer patients, who need regular blood transfusion and I beg you, please save lifes and donate blood – I would if I could!

There is nothing else I want to write about today. My thoughts are with Amy’s loved ones …. my life will go on, I will enjoy it, there will be sparkles and glitter, but for today it is black and white!

Today is my first radiotherapy meeting – it is just a prep talk with Dr. Ricke at the radiation center! I have to bring all my paperwork, but forget the referral …. yep, I still sport my chemo brain 😉.

Dr. Ricke – on the contrary – is very efficient and talks me through the possible side effects, which can apparently still appear months after radiation. The radio beams will enter my breast from the side, which means that my rips, heart and lungs will only be minimally touched. I am lucky that only the breast needs radiation, which keeps the potential burns to one area, but they can only start when the breast has healed (I still had bloodstains in my bed this morning 🙄, but the swelling is going down every day). She is positive though that April 19 is still realistic. We are talking 28 sessions – five days a week, sometimes six, which could potentially take me to May 29….. and I would just miss the QM2 mini cruise I wanted to book….. hmmmmm….but I will check next week, if it will definitely be that long first and I can go to Berlin with Maja in June! Yipehhh! Dr. Ricke recommends the afternoon for radiation, as the mornings are quite busy, but I want to do it when the kids are in Kindergarten and won’t spoil the rest of my day, if I do it first thing in the morning 😉. If necessary, I can still get taxi transfers, which makes is very easy!

Next week, they will draw all different lines and crosses on my torso to make sure the rays will enter in the same angle every time…. I have seen pictures and I will look a bit like a human sewing pattern, which has to stay on my body for the entire six weeks (I am still allowed to shower though 😉).

Birthday breakfast with Simone, a shopping scroll and physio fill my day before I am picking up Leo now! The financial impact of being sick is not funny, as I only get 60% of my salary, but hey, I get 60% more than a lot of other cancer patients in other countries and I do appreciate every penny! My savings are less and less, but I don’t really care, still go shopping and have endless coffees while enjoying life!

Mia’s Kindergarten is closed all week and she is going for a little wellness trip to my parents until Sunday… bless!

I am seeing another psycho oncologist today – I wonder if I get frequent traveler points 😉 Dr. Multhaupt is really nice and I talk a lot and it is nice to see her regularly until I have a ‚permanent‘ psycho oncologist. I should do a little ranking, as she is the fourth one already and Friday I will see number five for a „see-if-cancer-girl-really-needs-a-music-therapy“… 😂

While I pack my things this morning I scroll through the tumor conference minutes…. they suspected metastasis in my lymph knots prior to their removal?!?! There were several little tumors left in my breast prior to the last operation and the initial tumor was 2,7cm? I will not think about it until Prof. Dr. Breidenbach has explained the outcome in more detail!

I pick up Leo and we visit CUT for a trim – Leo obviously, as his hair is really long and he can barely see anything …. but I wonder, when I can go to the hairdressers again…. I really look forward to it – or shall I try a barber?!?

Jeeezzz, why do I still have hot flashes… Well, there are worse things, I know 😉

I am at PAN Clinic to see Prof. Dr. Warm for a check up. Claudia is also there and we chat away, while we are waiting to be seen. He is charming as ever, rolls his eyes and punctures my breast again. He is happy with what he gets out, it is all ok and I shall continue with my antibiotics, some cream and see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach one week later.

As I am leaving, he gives me a copy of the tumor conference minutes, which is the first time I see one of them, and checks that I have been informed about the outcome. „Yes, I will do another chemo – that’s ok“ he smiles at me „it would be nice to have you around a bit longer“…. it takes what it takes!

Lately I am worried about my little active cancer, which was removed, …. the ifs are on my mind…. I scan the tumor conference minutes, while I have a quick wine with Claudia. Most of it is hard to understand, but if I see it right, the little tumor was actually triple negative now…. I need to check with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and hope that this means that she will not even consider the anti hormone therapy anymore. I need to understand the different options and possible consequences a little bit better.

There isn’t the one cure that always works! Yes, some therapies work for most of the breast cancer patients, but not always….never the less, the earlier the cancer is found, the better curable it is! I was lucky that I found it early and really have nothing to worry about! I have been sooo lucky so far… I am thinking about Amy and I wonder how she is right now. I put on the most colorful make-up I have. OK, I look a bit pale compared to Amy, but I have not been wearing this much make-up since my cruise ship days! I shall definitely make an effort from now on to add some more colour into my life, but now I am off to meet the girls for dinner at Laden Ein and some drinks at Agnes+ 😉

It is a bright sunny day and we make the most of it before driving home. This holiday was so much worth the effort and I return full of energy, look forward to Spring and feel truly blessed!

Happy Easter – find some eggs and check your yourself, as it is the first!

By 8:00am Mia is already throwing up from too much chocolate…. what a start to Easter Sunday 😉 but it turns out to be a really nice day! Markus and I even ski together and a snow storm makes me realize that I suddenly have lots of plum on my face …. yet any hair is appreciated and hopefully this will go again and reappear on my head…. I wonder if the hair inside my nostrils is back yet?!?

My thoughts are with Amy for the rest of the day though. I know Amy only via Insta, she is Canadian living in the UK and she has terminal bowel cancer. A SIRT treatment was her last chance and everyone donated within 24 hours to make it possible for her to have it and then it wasn’t an option any more!! I read on Facebook while Mia is napping that her cancer has further spread and she is going to her local hospice now…..This really breaks my heart and shows how unfair cancer is – I hate you! Amy is such a wonderful and positive person, beautiful inside and out and such an inspiration, but despite the fact that this makes life and treatment easier, it does not mean that you beat the beast! What helps is to detect it early, but there is still no guaranteed cure…. not yet! My love goes to Amy and her family today!

Enjoy Easter, tell anyone you love that you love them and make the most of every single day ❤️

The sun is out and I am going for a final ski run now, while it is Markus turn to look after the kids! Skiing is for me like meditation – it takes my mind off things and the mountains and the snow make me happy. I can forget about everything and anything, feel free and alive! No worries – I have been skiing for about fourty years now and despite the fact that I am not the best skier, I ski quite effortlessly, take it easy and therefore it is relaxation rather than exercise. It gives me strength and happy moments for the next steps ahead 😉

One thing I learned during my journey, is to listen to my body and therefore I am resting today! Just a little trip with Markus and the kids to the ski rental place to fit Mia with some gear, sitting around in ski club, while the kids play and getting the Easter stuff ready are the most action I get all day 😉

Meditation is something I have not managed to do for a while and I start meditating again …. I need to find more options how to do it while being with the kids….maybe using my headphones while Mia is sleeping?!? I find it impossible to find a quiet gap during the day, but there surely must be a way for a little ten minute time out, when you have kids around you 24/7. I don’t count being away from them, as I do not see myself meditating on the streets, but maybe I should get used to that?? I don’t consider evenings either, as I am exhausted by the time they sleep and often fall asleep shortly afterwards 😉. I will try different things and am very motivated….any recommendations are highly appreciated!

My hair, my hair, my hair…. lashes and brows….have a look at this even regrowth – I am well impressed and keep touching the little soft plum ❤️ bye bye receding hairline!

It is a beautiful day with fresh snow and random sunshine! Whoohoo….Markus and I manage to ski together for a good hour this morning, while Mia is in Kinder Club Kindergarten and Leo snowploughs away in Ski Club…. I am all happy chappy and the rest of the family seems quite content as well 😀

Obviously I am super careful, boobs are wrapped tightly, sunscreen is skyhigh and I make sure to go smoothly and watch out for idiots!

Mia and I rest after lunch and Markus hits the slopes …. I might manage to have a bit ski fun with Sylvie and the girls this afternoon, if I feel fit enough and will make an effort to make it to Aprés Ski with them!