I am in bed… I am exhausted, my throat hurts, I have no energy…. Throw back Thursday at it’s best… I realize that the last time I felt like this was past chemo…. WOW! It has really been a while! I have been busy lately, but for now, I have cancelled everything until this afternoon, am staying in bed and will try to sleep now. Fingers crossed that this is not the flu!! Over and out 😉

PS: did you see my lashes?!?!? There are tons growing back now 😍

Getting up I am tired beyond believe!! My mood today follows the weather – rainy in the morning and sunshine in the evening. I have not been to the running Mamas for a while, but make an effort and join them 30 min late. This week is a plank challenge in which I cannot participate anyway 😉, but the social aspect is certainly a motivator though. Coffee with the girls and lunch with Maja and Sandra brighten my day a bit!

I am late for sports due to my fatigue and a call from the music therapist. I can start the therapy on Monday and what he explains sounds very promising – I really look forward to it 🤗

I notice that people look at me more these days…. why?!? I have hair now and in my terms it is loads of hair!! Well, it was not really warm for the past seven months and I used to wear a hat or beanie while being outside, which made me blend in quite nicely. I would take it off as soon as I entered a building, but with this warm weather nowadays I no longer need a beanie to keep me warm…. do I care though?!?!? Not really…. and I always speak to the people straight away, if they keep staring, which normally helps both of us 😉

It ties in quite nicely that Michael and I visit a vernissage tonight „Schönlinge – Auf der Suche nach der Schönheit der Verletzlichkeit“ ….this exhibition is aimed to raise awareness for Alopecia Areata (an autoimmune illness, which is often considered ‚cosmetic‘ as you ‚only‘ loose some or all of your hair). Lisa Haalk, the beautiful and charming initiator of this project, has been living with alopecia since she was 11 years old and asked her friend Ingrid Hagenhenrich to take her pictures…. The idea was born and 2015 they started this amazing project with 27 alopecia beauties, 27 photo shootings, 1 traveling exhibition. It is an inspiring evening and I see great photographies, incredible people and have tears in my eyes, when one of them describes what being part of this project meant to her.

Yes, I lost every single hair on my body, but I always knew that it was only temporary and it was amazing to see all these photographies of these beautiful women shining despite being hairless for years! The exhibition is in Cologne until May 25.

When I first received my diagnosis, I approached it in the same way I manage projects at work – make a project plan, timelines and set up a good filing system. An accordion file folder is my way to stay on top of all the paperwork. The is a slot for insurance, nutrition, courses, psychology, radiation, diagnosis, invoices, hospital, chemo, etc. and the folder is almost bursting after more than six months, but considering the amount of administrative work one has to cope with, it really helps to have a project manager’s approach and key is a digital calendar …. physio, podology, make appointments for colonoscopy and a heart echo, I should also check out my music therapy, should complete the TCM questionnaire, should organise the taxi transfers contract for radiation, which the insurance company has granted, etc etc …. and there is our household and social life, which needs organizing, but I am ready for all and in a much better mood today after a meditation with Leo and the perspective to have lunch with Maja ❤️

Apart from the necessary administration, there is some work, which I actually enjoy and which helps my intention to raise awareness and support others. I am supporting DKMSlife and will have a first project with them next week. Additionally, I have been invited to a blogger workshop on April 21 and just received the agenda today! Not only are the topics quite interesting, but it will be nice to exchange information with fellow bloggers, which I will also be doing on the 22nd, when I am attending the Blogger4Charity event in Düsseldorf! There are interesting times ahead, a lot of cancer and charity publicity and I will certainly write about it!

My energy level is quite high today, I organise whatever I can while having a quiet coffee at Café Eichhörnchen and I am fit enough to look after the kids a bit more, which I enjoy a lot! I also try to think about my therapy in baby steps again! Radiation first: the start is now being moved to 26 April. I speak to Dr. Ricke and she says that the recommended window for radiation is 4-8 weeks post operation and with 7 weeks, we are still alright! 28 days of radiation, five days a week, bring me right to 4 June….. There are tons of public holidays in May – do they radiate on public holidays?!?! Maja and I wanted to go to Berlin on the 4th of June …. fingers crossed 😉

Today I am back in the medical world… I had no energy yesterday, there is still a lump in my breast and it was bleeding and therefore I am at the doctor’s first thing in the morning (but did send a What’s App to Prof. Dr. Breidenbach yesterday not to get into trouble again 😉).

My mental state was similarly low, as I still do not have the energy to do what I want. I would like to go swimming, but I can’t and I just feel fed up with this stuff…. maybe it’s just easier during winter to be sick or rather limited, as there are not that many opportunities out there?!? There are still loads of things I actually CAN do and I will concentrate on them!

Prof. Dr. Breidenbach is happy with my progress, gets some more blood out of my breast, but is not happy with the look of my breast ….. I could not agree more. It looks more like a crater landscape than a normal breast after the swelling has gone down. To tackle the rest of the , I have to massage it and put white cabbage leaves as much as I can and she said if the breast would be radiated in this state, it would stay like this 😳 I will cover myself in cabbage and postpone radiation!!

I discussed the anti-hormone therapy… or rather my disagreement being now a triple negative breast cancer patient! The tumor conference decided to give me AI and GnRH, which have heavier side effects than TAM…. these medications are normally given to patients with hormone receptive cancers!! I still do not see the point and will object. TAM is something I could try, but my feelings – and mainly my mind – say no! We shall discuss the matter and I sent my regards to the tumor conference 😉

There is no way that chemo will be started during radiation, says Prof. Dr. Breidenbach, as it simply would not work! No discussions! Good – this way I can concentrate on one treatment at a time!

I am also seeing a non-medical practitioner today as per Claudia’s recommendation. She is into traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), 5 elements nutrition and acupuncture and I have a free trial…. it won’t do any harm, I guess, but it is yet another appointment to fill my day and as I said … I am a bit fed up, but feel that I can benefit and agree to do it. Nutrician and cancer are linked, but since I – apart from to many sweets – am a healthy eater, I did not pay too much attention to it yet. I like the holistic approach of TCM tackling the working on the cause of an illness and not only the symptoms! My first homework is a questionnaire with millions of questions….. pfewww…. my motivation sinks a bit, but I will do it…. just not today!

To add a new dimension, there is blood in my stool … just what I need, but thinking about Amy, I will see a doctor asap!

Anyhow, the weather is nice and I scroll along the Rhine river, enjoy the peace and quietness and forget everything for a while! I breath, rest, feel happy and get the info that our household aid Steffi’s car broke down…. there is always something, but I am on my way home to enjoy our terrace, meditate and enjoy a quiet afternoon with my kids! I am grateful for what I have, but just sooo tired and will take it easy today!

Things you (or rather I) realize when you loose your hair:

– the back of my head is NOT flat…. why did I ever believe that?!? Every time I used to tie a ponytail, I would pull it higher due to my ‚flat‘ back of my head…. every time at the hair dressers, I would ask them to layer the back a bit more being flat….. why?!? I do not see any flatness and thank goodness do I know now and no longer waste energy on pointless flat head talk 😉

– talking about hair dressers… they would always ask where my natural parting was and I said „right“…. why!?!?! There is short hair growing from the left of my forehead to my right…. hmm…. did chemo change my parting or was that another myth 😉

– the amount of time you save not having hair is amazing – and it still looks good without doing anything….I like! No out of bed hair – no bad hair days 👍🏻

– other people might also save shampoo, but I used it all the way through thinking that my head needs cleaning from chemo poison and shampoo felt right … and I had just bought a king size „Bed Head“ shampoo days before my diagnosis

– stress you avoid when your mother – even though I am over forty – can no longer ask you to please comb your hair before leaving the house

– no loosing of clips or hair bands, nothing to worry about and neither humidity nor wind can do any harm…People with curly hair will know exactly what I am talking about …. you straighten or blowdry your hair and a bit of rain and wind makes hours of straightening wasted within seconds…. my hair is the same now – no matter what the weather or circumstances are like!

My hair and I will have a quiet day with Leo, as Markus is visiting his mother in hospital today and I am a bit under the weather after the wonderful evening last night and the drinks that came with it – I am not used to it anymore. We will be Indians, I will BBQ a few sausage and we will have lunch in the tipi I sewed for the kids, will blow bubbles and enjoy the warm and sunny weather…. and I cannot wait for my parents to bring Mia back this afternoon.

I feel a bit rusty this week. It might be owed to the fact that I did not do any sports apart from skiing, but I rather think that it is probably the lack of cortisone, which makes me realize just a little more that my bones and joints are hurting a bit, especially when I stand up after sitting for a while…. but I rather have some little aches here and there than cortisone and the Michelin man face and body…. not that I got rid of it yet, but it is better already!

It probably did not help that I had two bars of chocolate …. whaaaat!?!? Yes, I know…. I think last I managed to eat two I had an eating disorder…. Mission for Monday – I need to reduce sugar! The good news is…. it was Bio 😉😂 I had a bad night, am extremely tired and maybe this explains the craving?!? Not really….

Nevermind – for now I am enjoying the summer feeling in Cologne, Leo and I put some old clothes on and paint a garden table for the kids (yes, child labour is something that works really well for me 😉), go to the market and buy flowers for the balcony. Summer is here and I realize that I need to either let my hair grow really fast or need to think about proper protection…. am not really a hat person, but I found the ones I got for little money at … I think … IKEA or Butler’s last year…. any recommendations?!?

Anyhow, Simone is throwing a party with her husband at Gruber’s tonight and I cannot wait…. 🎉, but I will quickly put my feet up and rest on the terrace in order to not fall asleep tonight 😉

Amazing Amy passed away yesterday…. she was such an inspiration, beautiful inside and out, a cat crazy woman glittering in all colours of the rainbow and on a mission to raise awareness, money and promote blood donations! Amy did not want pity, she wanted to see action!

Bowel cancer is something that does not only effect old people! April is bowel cancer awareness month and the most common symptoms include:

• You have to go to the loo more often than usual.
• You are loosing weight for no reason.
• Bleeding from your bottom and/or blood in your stool.
• Feel a pain or lump in your tummy.
• Are extremely tired for no obvious reason.

If you have any symptoms or if things don’t feel right, see a doctor and persist to be checked properly – there is nothing to feel ashamed of! When Amy was diagnosed she was already stage IV….

I have never donated blood in my life, as simply the thought of needles made me sick… well, after two pregnancies and all the cancer treatments so far, i would not consider myself a needle lover, but I am an expert and have my routines. I would be happy to give blood now, but I no longer can …. there are a lot of cancer patients, who need regular blood transfusion and I beg you, please save lifes and donate blood – I would if I could!

There is nothing else I want to write about today. My thoughts are with Amy’s loved ones …. my life will go on, I will enjoy it, there will be sparkles and glitter, but for today it is black and white!

Today is my first radiotherapy meeting – it is just a prep talk with Dr. Ricke at the radiation center! I have to bring all my paperwork, but forget the referral …. yep, I still sport my chemo brain 😉.

Dr. Ricke – on the contrary – is very efficient and talks me through the possible side effects, which can apparently still appear months after radiation. The radio beams will enter my breast from the side, which means that my rips, heart and lungs will only be minimally touched. I am lucky that only the breast needs radiation, which keeps the potential burns to one area, but they can only start when the breast has healed (I still had bloodstains in my bed this morning 🙄, but the swelling is going down every day). She is positive though that April 19 is still realistic. We are talking 28 sessions – five days a week, sometimes six, which could potentially take me to May 29….. and I would just miss the QM2 mini cruise I wanted to book….. hmmmmm….but I will check next week, if it will definitely be that long first and I can go to Berlin with Maja in June! Yipehhh! Dr. Ricke recommends the afternoon for radiation, as the mornings are quite busy, but I want to do it when the kids are in Kindergarten and won’t spoil the rest of my day, if I do it first thing in the morning 😉. If necessary, I can still get taxi transfers, which makes is very easy!

Next week, they will draw all different lines and crosses on my torso to make sure the rays will enter in the same angle every time…. I have seen pictures and I will look a bit like a human sewing pattern, which has to stay on my body for the entire six weeks (I am still allowed to shower though 😉).

Birthday breakfast with Simone, a shopping scroll and physio fill my day before I am picking up Leo now! The financial impact of being sick is not funny, as I only get 60% of my salary, but hey, I get 60% more than a lot of other cancer patients in other countries and I do appreciate every penny! My savings are less and less, but I don’t really care, still go shopping and have endless coffees while enjoying life!

Mia’s Kindergarten is closed all week and she is going for a little wellness trip to my parents until Sunday… bless!

I am seeing another psycho oncologist today – I wonder if I get frequent traveler points 😉 Dr. Multhaupt is really nice and I talk a lot and it is nice to see her regularly until I have a ‚permanent‘ psycho oncologist. I should do a little ranking, as she is the fourth one already and Friday I will see number five for a „see-if-cancer-girl-really-needs-a-music-therapy“… 😂

While I pack my things this morning I scroll through the tumor conference minutes…. they suspected metastasis in my lymph knots prior to their removal?!?! There were several little tumors left in my breast prior to the last operation and the initial tumor was 2,7cm? I will not think about it until Prof. Dr. Breidenbach has explained the outcome in more detail!

I pick up Leo and we visit CUT for a trim – Leo obviously, as his hair is really long and he can barely see anything …. but I wonder, when I can go to the hairdressers again…. I really look forward to it – or shall I try a barber?!?

Jeeezzz, why do I still have hot flashes… Well, there are worse things, I know 😉

I am at PAN Clinic to see Prof. Dr. Warm for a check up. Claudia is also there and we chat away, while we are waiting to be seen. He is charming as ever, rolls his eyes and punctures my breast again. He is happy with what he gets out, it is all ok and I shall continue with my antibiotics, some cream and see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach one week later.

As I am leaving, he gives me a copy of the tumor conference minutes, which is the first time I see one of them, and checks that I have been informed about the outcome. „Yes, I will do another chemo – that’s ok“ he smiles at me „it would be nice to have you around a bit longer“…. it takes what it takes!

Lately I am worried about my little active cancer, which was removed, …. the ifs are on my mind…. I scan the tumor conference minutes, while I have a quick wine with Claudia. Most of it is hard to understand, but if I see it right, the little tumor was actually triple negative now…. I need to check with Prof. Dr. Breidenbach and hope that this means that she will not even consider the anti hormone therapy anymore. I need to understand the different options and possible consequences a little bit better.

There isn’t the one cure that always works! Yes, some therapies work for most of the breast cancer patients, but not always….never the less, the earlier the cancer is found, the better curable it is! I was lucky that I found it early and really have nothing to worry about! I have been sooo lucky so far… I am thinking about Amy and I wonder how she is right now. I put on the most colorful make-up I have. OK, I look a bit pale compared to Amy, but I have not been wearing this much make-up since my cruise ship days! I shall definitely make an effort from now on to add some more colour into my life, but now I am off to meet the girls for dinner at Laden Ein and some drinks at Agnes+ 😉