28 December 2017

Chemoooooo hoooohooo! Number 10 is done ….whooohooooo! If all goes smoothly, I am all done in one month’s time … yipehhh!

Since the kids have no Kindergarten and Markus is off today, I ask them to bring me to chemo. I want to show the kids, where I go and I want them to meet nurses Fassbender, Theis & Block at pioh. I always tell Leo that this is the medication fire department and that they extinguish the cancer (ref. the book Why is Mum wearing a hat during summer?). Nurse Fassbender gives them some syringes to play with and off they go for a playdate with Michael and his son Max at HalliGalli. I try to be as open as I can with the kids without giving them too much detail and so far, they seem ok.

Same procedure as every time, blood levels are good and off we go. My ‚chemo buddy‘ in Bonn, actually has the chemo with a friend of Claudia, who sits next to me. It is a small and big world with cancer…. we quickly discuss cooling hats and there are apparently studies and discussions about it since the 70s. I stick with the cooling pads on my feet and hands and dose off. I cannot stop stroking my head … I love the fluff. I only had a bit stubbles left on the back of my head and now it is everywhere and soft and lovely… I enjoy the moment as long as it lasts!

The jacket potato place is closed today, which means that I will also miss my fresh post chemo carrot juice (carrot juice is apparently a great cancer remedy!), as I will not have the energy to make one myself at home, maybe I can challenge Markus, when he is back tonight… on a positive note – it is all justified to finally give Paul’s Fish & Chips a try and Markus, Michael and the kids quickly say hello before the takeaway and I take the taxi home. The Fish & Chips bring back nice memories, when I was a student in Ealing and the Pakistani Chippie here does a great job. I look forward to the next one 🙂

I fall asleep, am determined to make phone calls later and pay some bills, but all later or tomorrow …. I am sooo tired! My fingertips and toes are numb and when I wake up, my entire arms are actually numb, but quickly recover….“Oh ha!“, as Leo would put it with his currently favorite expression 😉

I learn about my Seabourn colleague David E. Greene’s cancer today and I really really hope that it is not as terminal, as it sounds…. and yesterday, another breast cancer case in Cologne…. There are so many friends gone and so many new cancer patients lately, that it makes me sick! Stupid cancer!

A huge parcel from Tessa arrived today – she is crazy as usual, but that is why I love her so much or in her words „Some friends are like stars. You cannot always see them, but they are always there!“ That!

27 December 2017

I know I keep going on about it, but I still have an issue with my lashes and eyebrows …. or rather without them. No hair is easy to handle – I could have shaved my head on purpose and actually like it, but without eyebrows and lashes, I look ill!

Going home for Christmas, I forgot to pack my make-up – Chemo Brain does not help! I use my mum’s and sister-in-law Anna’s and realize at night that the mascara is waterproof and I have difficulties taking it off…. the price I pay – 10 more lashes gone! 10 does not seem a lot, but if you only have about 25 left, it is a drama – at least for me! On top of it, I also forgot the Revitalash, which I don’t think makes a big difference, but I am slightly superstitious with these things nowadays and rather do not change anything…. just in case!

Though I shaved my head Christmas, there is regrowth….. yipehhh!!! It is amazing! There seems to be regrowth with my lashes as well though – I spotted some very short blond lashes today and hope it is not just the rest of some old ones 😉

I think I am getting a cold again – did not feel that well today, chilled a lot with the kids at home and started to have a running nose by the afternoon…. but I did get my new iPhone (yes, Anna, you will get my old one on Friday 😉) and I met my fellow ‚chemo buddy‘, who will have her second chemo tomorrow. She told me all about her cooling cap, which she is wearing for the entire four hours plus gloves and shoes!! She is very strong and positive though and seems to be on top of things! It was great to catch up and thank you for a nice evening at Herr Pimock.

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26 December 2017

We are finally back in Cologne and I am tired, but happy and the kids are adorable. There was so much magic and love during Christmas and I am grateful ❤️ – and I took it easy and simply enjoyed it!

Last night, my brother Micky and I eventually hit the town and went to Tröte. I literately spent half of my teenage life in this pub and though things changed, it is still the same feeling, when I go. Half the people I speak to, actually live in Cologne and we rarely manage to see each other there, so we finally have time for a catch-up. In the past, you would meet loads of people there on Christmas Day, but there are really only a handful we know. It is not the quantity that matters though 😉

Cancer is one of the main subjects that evening, but it is ok and I realize once again, that talking about it, being open and writing a blog is actually helping people! There are so many cancer stories out there and nobody seems to talk about it!

Two people actually contact me during Christmas, who say that they did not have the courage to contact me yet and I appreciate their honesty and that they still contact me despite the fact that they really struggle to do so! Thank you!

Peter and I talk about how we met during a thunderstorm looking for shelter in a phone booth, which was actually struck by lightning – an 18 year old looks at us a bit puzzled and we realize that he actually has no clue what a phone booth is…. now that is what makes you feel really old!

At 2.00am, we go to another pub, which is almost empty and actually closing for good two days later – it is the end of the night and the town is dead…not that there is a great choice of pubs anyway 😉

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25 December 2017

The Christmas days are filled with family time, kids, friends and food… my brother and I stay with our families at my parents, my cousin and her family at her parents and we meet on the 24th at the nativity play and on the 25th we go for brunch, which turns into an all day activity! I really enjoy the time and talks with all of them, but the kids are the most amazing! They don’t see each other that often, but all love each other so much and it is amazing to see them together ❤️

I have to actually take a nap this afternoon to recover …. and yes, I had champagne, but it is Christmas and that is ok! I really want to go out with my brother tonight, when the kids are in bed, but don ‚t know where I should get the energy from…. we shall see 😉

24 December 2017

Merry Christmas!

23 December 2017

Driving home for Christmas 🎵🎶….. We all meet at my parents, my brother and I finally look alike and I catch up with my school friends at the Highway Man until the early morning…. I need more sleep! 2018 we will have to organize our 25 years Highschool reunion 🌟

22 December 2017

11 degrees and rain…. not the kind of Christmas weather I asked for, but hey, Michelle is stopping in Cologne on her way from Amsterdam to Frankfurt this afternoon and I cannot wait to see her 😀

Markus is home with Mia and Anja can fill in for our household help Steffi in the afternoon – all sorted 🎉

In between my appointments I go shopping again …. T-Shirts, a dress, earrings, Chelsea Boots…. this has to stop…. one week of treating myself has been way too expensive – then again, I really don’t care and it feels like I had to do it! Time for the shops to close during the holidays 😉

Foodwise, I have suddenly cravings since yesterday…. I was never a big meat fan, but suddenly I want to eat spicy salami sausages…. crazy – and also sweets!?!? Oh I hope that will stop after Christmas, but it is good timing for my appetite to return for the festive season with all the nice food….hmmmmm. And remember, you don’t gain weight between Christmas and New Year, but between New Year and Christmas 😉

I see Tatjana Richartz with my wig and she actually manages to make it look like real hair again – I now lost the Berlusconi hairline and she shows me different styles. Who knows, maybe I will wear it one day, but even if not, I love what Tatjana does ❤️ It is funny how quickly I got used to not having any hair and it is strange to imagine that I will have hair again one day. I will keep it short though… at least for a while.

More presents for me arrived when I return from neighbours and my godchild family! I am such a lucky girl! When I pick up Leo from Kindergarten, I chat with the teachers and I once again realize how happy Leo is in Kindergarten and how nice they all are. This is such a relief to know that he is happy and often does not want to leave, as currently he spends more time there than before I was ill and I often feel guilty.

Michelle picks me up in the afternoon and we hit the Christmas markets!

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21 December 2017

Chemo day…. Number 9 today! By now I know most of the patients and I chat with Sonja, who gets bi-weekly infusions due to an immune deficiency. Her friend has just been diagnosed with breastcancer and she heard about my blog. I hope it will help her! My other ‚follower‘, who has been diagnosed with breastcancer had her first Paclitaxel today…. fingers crossed, my new chemo buddy! She is actually trying the cooling cap to prevent hair loss, gloves and shoes and I look forward to her feedback!

I forgot my earphones, can not meditate, there are no cooling pads for my feet, but I dose off… surely they would tell me, if I was snoring – I certainly hope so 😉 Nurse Fassbender is back and I am so happy to see her. She cannot fit into her Christmas dress and I feel immediately sorry for bringing cookies and chocolate 😜. She tells me that I have to accept that resting and slowing down is what it takes and that I have to embrace it and not fight against it. I do – I really really do, but she does not quite believe me yet!! I have really taken speed out of my life and truly enjoy the quiet moments and will digitally detox a bit while at my parents‘.

I did get some Christmas cards, but I will continue to write them whenever I feel like it – easy easy and presents for the kids can be wrapped on the 24th in the morning and I asked in the ‚Alex needs Help‘ group, if someone can pick up the Tonies Box for me, as I am not able to drive a car today and it is in the middle of nowhere.

I see Dr. Reiser and he confirms that we (they) will decide, if I can simply skip the two chemos I missed on the 9th of January. Concerning my miracle hair growth, he said that it can always happen during the chemo that the hair grows and a lot of patients worry then that the chemo does not do it’s job. I did not worry there, but wonder, if it will stay…. Either it will or it won’t. I think I will shave it off again to have an even re-growth…. I still need my bald head picture with my bald head brother 😉 then again… and I am sadly loosing more lashes. Could cry with every single one I notice 😢

With a fresh carrot juice and jacket potato takeaway, I am heading home, eat and sleep – I am sooo tired and exhausted, hot and cold and need to rest. My eyelids are extremely heavy and so is my entire body. This is where the balancing act starts again…. I hear the kids come home with Steffi, but I cannot even get up. I have locked myself into the guest room and I am hiding from my kids. How sad is that!??! I feel really alone and like I am letting my kids down, but I cannot handle it and I need energy for them. I join them in the late afternoon, but I am weak but I manage to only go back to bed when they go to bed.

Mia has diarrhea again and is not allowed in Kindergarten tomorrow and Steffi is not well either…. Markus can take Friday morning off and I try to get HomeInstead to send Anja instead of Steffi in the afternoon. Fingers crossed that all will go smoothly, as I need to go to physiotherapy, but might cancel my wig appointment at lunchtime. I asked Tatjana Richartz to have a look at my fiffy again, as I don’t want to wear it, but maybe I will start one day, if the haircut is a bit cooler…It would have been just such a waste of money for the the fiffy to live a sad life in my cupboard 😉 then again – I really could not care less…

20 December 2017

A Captain once said „Alex, you are like a Rottweiler – you do not let go until you get what you want…“ right! I got a Tonies Box…whoohooooo 🎉 It is mainly due to Alexa, who spotted and reserved it in one of Facebook’s fleamarket groups, but I got it, I got it, I got it 🎉

Mia stays with me today, but no throwing up since yesterday evening and we enjoy the last session and coffees with the running Mamas.

Leo is so sweet when I leave the house tonight to meet the girls „and you really did not forget anything, really?!?! Are you sure!?!?“. Maybe my kids realize more and more that I am slightly forgetful with chemo brain 😉

We are having dinner and drinks, it is a fun evening, but I seriously overeat …. I am sooo sick now! What really shocks me is leaving Hahnheiser and having 90+ What’s App messages!?!? Hello!??! That is a bit mad…45 were from one group of friends, but still…. Thank God I cannot sleep yet, as my tummy is all wobbly, so I will sit back, relax and enjoy my nocturnes.

I did not shave my head yet…. I think I will check with the chemo nurses tomorrow, if my hair is possibly growing despite Paclitaxel!??! I guess I know the answer, but hey, little hair for another day 😉

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19 December 2017

I decide to enjoy the morning’s peace and quietness today! A newspaper with coffee in bed is my most desired thing right now – pure bliss! Even if everything is available online, I love reading ‚real‘ papers, like I did before I had kids!

Eventually I go to town and after yet another unsuccessful attempt to get a Tonies box, I go shopping for ….myself…..  Maybe this is a way of treating myself?!? Am I compensating?!? Whatever! My family stopped giving presents to each other in the 90s and starting this year Markus and I decided not to give each other anything either. I am on a mission and enjoy it, while I am in between constantly on the phone with the insurance company, the association of SHI physicians and different psychotherapists – I can finally see a psycho oncologist in Haus LebensWert in January now 🙄 what a hassle!!!

Little did I know that in the meantime the postman had been! Thank you! I received this massive parcel from Steffi, who I worked with onboard QE2, with books, home made cake, cookies and loads of other goodies…. I was really touched and overwhelmed!!! And Kerstin sent a parcel, Birgit and her daughter crocheted a hat….I am continuously receiving lots of cards and letters, but also emails and messages with so much love – …. thank you all for your words and time! It really makes my day ❤️ and did I mention that my wonderful neighbours created a St. Nikolaus explosion outside our door on the 6th?!?!

Did I mention that I do love Christmas!?!?! Maybe it is because I was away so much, but I love to be here this time of the year! I did also love the Christmas season onboard the cruiseships, where we went a bit overboard with tons of decorations, carol singers during embarkation and for the crew – non-stop Christmas parties. Each department would have a different slot on Xmas day and you would have eggnog (uh, that is something I never got used to along with mince pies 🙄) at the doctor’s office, a Christmas grotto in the Engineer’s workshop, mulled wine in the crew office and by lunchtime, you would wonder how you would survive…. and being away from family and friends somewhere in the Caribbean, we would all feel very close and jolly!

Nevertheless – it is wonderful to have Christmas markets, decorations and cold weather…. mind you, due to stupid cancer and pneumonia, I have only been to the little markets and it has been raining all day, but I am not bothered a lot –  I look forward to going home and to seeing my family and childhood friends!!

Thank god I am fit and strong today. Mia is throwing up all afternoon – twice all over me 🤢 – she is in a good mood though and I hope that she will not continue during the night …..fingers crossed!