1 January 2018

It was a good start to 2018, but I am tired 😴 We went for a walk, but I was not feeling too well and glad when we went back to Germany. It was great to catch up with everyone though.

Yet another one of my ship’s colleagues passed away yesterday and I am thinking about my friends, who I lost to cancer. Today I learn about a young woman, Kim, who’s story really touches me. She had breastcancer, but because her doctor did not consider it to be cancer at first, it was already metastatic, when it was detected and she now passed away last night at 30! It makes me not only sad, but so terribly angry!

When I met Elke during my first stay in hospital, she told me about her breast cancer story seven years earlier and that she told her gynecologist several times about abdominal pain last year. Again, by the time they checked the ovaries, the cancer had spread and she was just recovering from an operation, where they removed half of her organs, as it had spread…. my breast cancer buddy also said that her gynecologist did say that it was probably nothing and if she had not insisted, she would not have sent her to a specialist and did not even use the ultrasound to have a look herself….

There are wonderful doctors out there, like mine, but these things are happening. Please check yourself and also ask for second opinions, go to check ups and be aware. There is a lot of hope and cure out there, if the cancer is detected early enough – raise awareness, speak about it to make sure it is no longer a taboo and insist, if you feel that something could be wrong. Look after yourself!

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31 December 2017

Ready for 2018!?! Yes! 2017 was a somehow challenging year, but it was great – from all aspects. Thanks to all of you for being part of my journey and all your love and support! It really means the world to me ❤️

I was still on maternity leave when the year began, we went skiing in March (which was a dreadful experience, as the kids and I were all ill with D&V), went straight to Sri Lanka for a wonderful month of traveling all over this beautiful island, had a flood at home, when we returned (ok, that was actually quite a hassle and the renovation works are still not completed), Mia turned one, went camping by the sea (and actually slept all four in our VW van for the first time), spent relaxing days in the MeckPom Lake District and I finally tried standup paddling, made wonderful new friends, caught up with friends from the past, did go to the QE2 reunion and was diagnosed with breastcancer just before Leo turned three. It feels strange, but I am embracing the chance and opportunity that cancer has given me, the love and the people, it brought back into my life and the few things & people I had to let go. The opportunity to step back, reflect my life and initiate the changes that were needed for a long time, but I was too busy to see or thought that I did not have the options. I look forward to a bright and intensive year ahead of me, where I will go to total remission and follow my heart! I am grateful for all the love I was given so far, am hungry to live each moment and life to the fullest and thankful for the time to focus on myself! I am sure that I will come out of this as a better person, stronger and happier and I want to do something good, give back and help people! And I will have silicon boobs 😉

One thing I never liked, but tolerate even less nowadays is moaning – there are people moaning about anything and everything, getting upset because of little unimportant things, like this guy who got all upset and posted a picture on Facebook of someone, who took off his dinner jacket onboard the Queen Victoria on a formal evening in the bar?!?!? Oh please, get a life!

2018 – I am ready!

30 December 2017

Off we go to Luxembourg! 13 degrees and it is raining cats and dogs – I guess I am leaving the snow boots at home and I am happy that there is a gym and climbing wall for the kids for plenty of indoor fun! The wonderful thing is that the kids all entertain each other and I will have time to catch up with the friends I rarely see. Normally we are renting an entire house and do self catering, but this is a youth hostel with meals included and though over the last three years we have pretty much developed a routine, it is so much easier not to bring food along and have ready meals! I pack Müsli and fruit though… just to be on the safe side 😉

29 December 2017

„Reach for the stars, not for the daisies“ (Nicole Staudinger)

… but what if I don’t have the energy. I have the first sleepless night since ages and my mind takes funny turns. I cry and feel lonely. I don’t know what is wrong – I go to the bathroom and admire my little regrowth lashes and eyebrows… yep, they are growing and even if I loose them all again, I will worship them every single day as long as I have them! I browse the social media, I watch a series on Amazon prime and finally listen to an audio book ….nothing helps. It does not help either that the kids are equally restless and I spend half the night in their room, as they cry a lot…

The unfair thing about this cancer thing is, that everyone else can get on with their life, but I am stuck here. So, if there are issues, everyone else can dive into regular life or go away, but I am stuck here at the moment and with these crazy chemo brain thoughts and nobody to talk to in the middle of the night and writing is not the best means of communication due to the numb fingers …. ahhhh! OK, maybe I try that boring audio book again from last week. It helps… peace at long last, but I am happy that the day ahead is quite busy despite the fact that I am a bit tired 😉

We are at the kids‘ theatre watching Pettersen & Findus with friends and kids, I meet Maja, buy two more tops and have coffee with her and have lmyphatic drainage before my Mum arrives with my nephews and shortly afterwards Micky & Anna to pick them up. We pack for our New Year’s trip to Luxembourg with about 35 adults and app. double the amount of kids and I look forward to a quiet evening with a few phone calls. The day was great and I am all good again.

I use Christmas to say thank you and give Markus punk rock concert tickets, I am taking the girls to the Philharmonics plus presents for Mum, Sylvie, Anna and a few more and I decided to throw a big thank you party during the summer when the cancer is gone and I can hopefully drink again!

uwevisebrz6fnx9rjqczqa.jpg Hmmm….. wonder if this tree will last until January …. I am not allowed to comment as I did not come along to pick it ;)

28 December 2017

Chemoooooo hoooohooo! Number 10 is done ….whooohooooo! If all goes smoothly, I am all done in one month’s time … yipehhh!

Since the kids have no Kindergarten and Markus is off today, I ask them to bring me to chemo. I want to show the kids, where I go and I want them to meet nurses Fassbender, Theis & Block at pioh. I always tell Leo that this is the medication fire department and that they extinguish the cancer (ref. the book Why is Mum wearing a hat during summer?). Nurse Fassbender gives them some syringes to play with and off they go for a playdate with Michael and his son Max at HalliGalli. I try to be as open as I can with the kids without giving them too much detail and so far, they seem ok.

Same procedure as every time, blood levels are good and off we go. My ‚chemo buddy‘ in Bonn, actually has the chemo with a friend of Claudia, who sits next to me. It is a small and big world with cancer…. we quickly discuss cooling hats and there are apparently studies and discussions about it since the 70s. I stick with the cooling pads on my feet and hands and dose off. I cannot stop stroking my head … I love the fluff. I only had a bit stubbles left on the back of my head and now it is everywhere and soft and lovely… I enjoy the moment as long as it lasts!

The jacket potato place is closed today, which means that I will also miss my fresh post chemo carrot juice (carrot juice is apparently a great cancer remedy!), as I will not have the energy to make one myself at home, maybe I can challenge Markus, when he is back tonight… on a positive note – it is all justified to finally give Paul’s Fish & Chips a try and Markus, Michael and the kids quickly say hello before the takeaway and I take the taxi home. The Fish & Chips bring back nice memories, when I was a student in Ealing and the Pakistani Chippie here does a great job. I look forward to the next one 🙂

I fall asleep, am determined to make phone calls later and pay some bills, but all later or tomorrow …. I am sooo tired! My fingertips and toes are numb and when I wake up, my entire arms are actually numb, but quickly recover….“Oh ha!“, as Leo would put it with his currently favorite expression 😉

I learn about my Seabourn colleague David E. Greene’s cancer today and I really really hope that it is not as terminal, as it sounds…. and yesterday, another breast cancer case in Cologne…. There are so many friends gone and so many new cancer patients lately, that it makes me sick! Stupid cancer!

A huge parcel from Tessa arrived today – she is crazy as usual, but that is why I love her so much or in her words „Some friends are like stars. You cannot always see them, but they are always there!“ That!

27 December 2017

I know I keep going on about it, but I still have an issue with my lashes and eyebrows …. or rather without them. No hair is easy to handle – I could have shaved my head on purpose and actually like it, but without eyebrows and lashes, I look ill!

Going home for Christmas, I forgot to pack my make-up – Chemo Brain does not help! I use my mum’s and sister-in-law Anna’s and realize at night that the mascara is waterproof and I have difficulties taking it off…. the price I pay – 10 more lashes gone! 10 does not seem a lot, but if you only have about 25 left, it is a drama – at least for me! On top of it, I also forgot the Revitalash, which I don’t think makes a big difference, but I am slightly superstitious with these things nowadays and rather do not change anything…. just in case!

Though I shaved my head Christmas, there is regrowth….. yipehhh!!! It is amazing! There seems to be regrowth with my lashes as well though – I spotted some very short blond lashes today and hope it is not just the rest of some old ones 😉

I think I am getting a cold again – did not feel that well today, chilled a lot with the kids at home and started to have a running nose by the afternoon…. but I did get my new iPhone (yes, Anna, you will get my old one on Friday 😉) and I met my fellow ‚chemo buddy‘, who will have her second chemo tomorrow. She told me all about her cooling cap, which she is wearing for the entire four hours plus gloves and shoes!! She is very strong and positive though and seems to be on top of things! It was great to catch up and thank you for a nice evening at Herr Pimock.

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26 December 2017

We are finally back in Cologne and I am tired, but happy and the kids are adorable. There was so much magic and love during Christmas and I am grateful ❤️ – and I took it easy and simply enjoyed it!

Last night, my brother Micky and I eventually hit the town and went to Tröte. I literately spent half of my teenage life in this pub and though things changed, it is still the same feeling, when I go. Half the people I speak to, actually live in Cologne and we rarely manage to see each other there, so we finally have time for a catch-up. In the past, you would meet loads of people there on Christmas Day, but there are really only a handful we know. It is not the quantity that matters though 😉

Cancer is one of the main subjects that evening, but it is ok and I realize once again, that talking about it, being open and writing a blog is actually helping people! There are so many cancer stories out there and nobody seems to talk about it!

Two people actually contact me during Christmas, who say that they did not have the courage to contact me yet and I appreciate their honesty and that they still contact me despite the fact that they really struggle to do so! Thank you!

Peter and I talk about how we met during a thunderstorm looking for shelter in a phone booth, which was actually struck by lightning – an 18 year old looks at us a bit puzzled and we realize that he actually has no clue what a phone booth is…. now that is what makes you feel really old!

At 2.00am, we go to another pub, which is almost empty and actually closing for good two days later – it is the end of the night and the town is dead…not that there is a great choice of pubs anyway 😉

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25 December 2017

The Christmas days are filled with family time, kids, friends and food… my brother and I stay with our families at my parents, my cousin and her family at her parents and we meet on the 24th at the nativity play and on the 25th we go for brunch, which turns into an all day activity! I really enjoy the time and talks with all of them, but the kids are the most amazing! They don’t see each other that often, but all love each other so much and it is amazing to see them together ❤️

I have to actually take a nap this afternoon to recover …. and yes, I had champagne, but it is Christmas and that is ok! I really want to go out with my brother tonight, when the kids are in bed, but don ‚t know where I should get the energy from…. we shall see 😉

24 December 2017

Merry Christmas!

23 December 2017

Driving home for Christmas 🎵🎶….. We all meet at my parents, my brother and I finally look alike and I catch up with my school friends at the Highway Man until the early morning…. I need more sleep! 2018 we will have to organize our 25 years Highschool reunion 🌟