20 January 2018

Chillaxing with one of my best friends – best therapy ever ❤️ Anne points out that I have a massive number reading issue with my chemo brain, as I read out some numbers and prices to her and apparently say them all in the wrong order …. hmmm…. mental note to self – no more online banking post chemo!

I read an article yesterday (yep, one day post chemo and I am able to read again!) that the compulsory mammography scans are not bringing the results they were supposed to bring – especially as there is no point having them prior to 50, as the breast tissue is too dense, „young“ cancer patients like me (in cancer terms, I am considered being a spring chicken at 44 😉) are missing out on being diagnosed early enough…. the good news is that there might be a blood test that can determine, weather you have cancer or not! This is why cancer research needs to be supported!!

What a coincidence – as I plan my trip to Bali, the best option is to fly via Singapore! A friend of mine is traveling the same day from Melbourne to Singapore and we will spend a one night in Singapore. Silke will only join me later anyway, so this is a winwin for all of us and makes my eastbound journey very relaxed and I can catch up with my friend! All is booked now – will be in Bali 16th February – 2nd March 🙏

My granddad would have been 110 today and I am taking a trip down memory lane. This afternoon I am meeting my friend Holger – we were in love when I was 18, but I was too shy to admit it …. teenage troubles…. he then found himself another girlfriend and I was heartbroken. We have been back in touch for a while and I am very happy that we sorted it out. Life is too short for problems and I am even more eager to get rid off any issues since I have cancer! If there are misunderstandings/ problems, I like to talk about them, overcome any issues, forgive other people or myself and move on! I am more in the here and now, try not to look back with regret and not to plan too much for the future…. that is at least what I try to do 😉

We scroll through the rainy Frankfurt, chat away and have dinner and drinks before taking the trains in different directions.

19 January 2018

Instagram’s Paulina posted that her tumor did not much care about the EC chemo and I have to think about her all the time. They will operate next week now and then try another chemo – there are options and that is great, but it is scary and I cannot stop thinking about her ❤️ it also makes me appreciate even more that my tumor is gone, as it is not uncommon that chemo does not work, but luckily chemo is only one of the steps! Cancer, it is not fair how you play, but you messed with the wrong girl! Go Paulina 👍🏻

I am going to Frankfurt to stay with Anne & her family …. whooohooooo! Cannot wait to see her – Thank you Markus for staying with the kids!

Due to hurricane Friederike, almost all trains are cancelled, but I am able to catch a later super fast one and despite a 45 minutes delay due to a missing train conductor, I still arrive at the same time I was supposed to be there 🎉 Lucky me!

I did shave my head again…. I had the feeling my hair was falling out and I looked ill. I am a proper Mr. Clean again! Unfortunately I had to say good bye to a few lashes as well 😢, but I am ok with it this time around. The end is near! And I started coughing again…. I will monitor it, as I cannot face another pneumonia! Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a bit and hypochondriac, but I cannot read or trust my body anymore, when it comes to my immune system. It is still doing a great job with all the chemo poisons, but is too busy for the normal wee colds nowadays. We will see! I have a sauna date with the girls on Sunday and hope I will be fit – fingers crossed!

Side effects from chemo – numb fingers and feet, very dry skin inside and out, bone aches, light skin irritations, hunger and water retention (also in my face … well, I do not have any wrinkles now 😉). It could be worse though and a good night’s sleep really helped! Total weight gain – 4kgs and I hope it won’t be more.

I am chilling on Anne’s Sofa skipping the kids‘ afternoon activities and look forward to some quality girlfriend time later on ❤️

A new thing I discovered, are inspirational podcasts…. I am trying a few! The boring ones help me to sleep…. any recommendations???Our 14€ Sushi lunch.....

18 January 2018

Life is like a bag of candy – you only know what something tastes like, when you actually try it….. Hurray it’s chemo day!

What a night…. Mia was crying a lot, basically slept on top of me and in short intervalls and I didn’t 🙄. I stayed up late with Anke and chatted, but had to run all the time to look after Mia, who wants her „Mamaaa“ and wish I had more time with her, but she is already on her way back to Munich after bringing a bag of sunshine into my life and I have a chemo date. My eyes are burning and red and I look forward to sleeping!

I do ask chemo nurse Fassbender in an hopeless attempt, if the cortisone could be reduced a little bit – no chance…. what a surprise!

Frau Fassbender promises that all will be normal again after the end of chemo and always has encouraging words. Only three chemos left now! …. might as well stuff my face with the licorice Caroline sent from Sweden 😜

I am calm and happy as I leave – there is a massive storm, but it’s sunny and I feel gratitude. What for? I don’t know…. the sun, being alive with relatively little side effects, the nice people in bearsalad & more, who prepare my weekly carrot juice and a jacket potato, as I sit there, wait for my order and watch the people being blown away! They actually help each other and that also makes me happy.

I organized a playdate with Steffi and the kids at Simone’s and sleep all afternoon. Markus took the car to work today and picks them up. They break down with the car, but actually right outside our house. I will sleep now, Markus will go to play sports and we deal with that tomorrow!

17 January 2018

„You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago!“ …. I forget an 8:10h appointment with Frau Dietrich, put on a coat and ride my bike in my PJs to the physio therapy ….. it snowed during the night and the road is really slippery, but I make it and she does the lymphdrainage, tells me that my weightgain is mainly water retention due to cortisone and fixed a dislocated bone in my hand, which will hopefully be ok soon 😉

By the time I stop home to put my sportswear on and slowly ride to Nippes, the running Mamas have already left and I am running all over the place until I finally meet them, quick coffee, shower, Anke is already in Cologne and we rush to the genetics test.

The doctor scribbles a large family tree on a piece of paper and I have to send quite a few messages to my Mum to find out family connection, birthdates and illnesses and she makes three attempts to take some blood. I have plasters everywhere 🙄. I will get a letter saying that the results are there in four weeks time and will have to come back!

Anke and I have time for a coffee and scroll through town. It is wonderful to chat away and I wish she would stay longer ❤️

16 January 2018

Sleep – restless, energy level – zero, mood – down, bones – hurt….. poor me 😉

My tummy cramps and for the first time I think „oh, another tumor“ … stupid! But apparently normal!

Thank God I have a breakfast date, the kids are back today, I am going out with the girls tonight and my friend Anke from Munich is visiting for one night tomorrow. She is one of these friends, who I don’t see a lot, but it is like time does not pass…. and we are sooo much alike! We met in Ealing, where I started uni with my flight attendant buddy Jan, who was her boyfriend…. sometimes I wonder about the ifs… if I had studied architecture, I would not have accepted the temp flight attendant job, would not have met Anne, would not have met Jan, would not have ended up in Ealing, would not have gone to sea and what if I had been with Holger, Rob or Nick…. yet another story 😉

I spend yet another morning in Café Pause, with Simone and Hannah…. This is kind of my therapy. I sit with Hannah until the afternoon, and Tatjana comes in and chats to me, Nina joins us for a quick coffee and we talk and talk and talk….now I am ready for the rest of the day! Thank you, girls 😘

Pan Clinic gives me the paperwork for the genetics test and Holweide gives me the operation timelines. I will have to meet Prof. Dr. Warm 5th of March and the operation will be on the 8th, which means that I have a travel window between the 14th Feb and 5th March, which should be enough…. Bali, here I come. I feel guilty for traveling without my kids, but will probably come back on the 1st to spend some quality time with them before going to hospital…. I do need the time to recharge my batteries!

I am taking a train to Hagen, where Mum hands over the kids half way … I cannot wait! And I am glad that Leo calls and says that he actually looks forward to coming home ❤️

15 January 2018

Chemo drenches any liquid out of your body. My throat, my skin, all is dry and despite permanent moisturizing, it is getting worse! Thank god the end is near and kudos to all the endless supply of lotions and cremes I have been given – how did you guys know?!?

To treat my skin, I am seeing a beautician today. Margot Hornecker was nice and a fellow breastcancer survivor, but was fully booked and I was more wowed by her prices than by the experience! Therefore I tried Melanie’s recommendation vis a vis in the Syringe pharmacy today. This Persian lady is funny, I grow an inch after all her compliments and my skin feels really nice afterwards and…. tatatataaaa….she tints my new blond eyebrows and – wow – I have eyebrows again! Sure everyone says that I look well, etc., but when I look in this face without (visible) eyebrows in the morning, it is a cancer patient, who looks back at me…. hurray to my eyebrows! What a difference ❤️

„I want to stay longer and Mia wants to stay longer too!“ …. I miss my kids, but that is the only information I am getting on the phone. Well, better than the other way around – we are extending their stay…and I miss them!

I try to coordinate all my appointments, try to register for music or art therapy, try to find out when the operation is and get frustrated, as there are everywhere too many people involved! I visit PAN Clinic and HRG to get my paperwork done, which chemo brain forgets at PAN Clinic, have a coffee with Sonja and rush to physio in Müngersdorf. The physio lady is nice, but somehow I am always in a bad mood, when I leave, as I do not get all the exercises and feel like an idiot.

I have no energy to make a decision on our skiing trip and I am worried that it will be too much…. Post operation is no option, but I will see, if we can go skiing locally instead. I just don’t want to jeopardize it all together…

I am really tired again, but work on the paperwork for the genetics test, notice that I need a referral from PAN clinic….. daaaa…. I could have easily gotten that today and I am in a foul mood now. I have no energy, feel exhausted and cannot cope with these mood swings… I was a bit melancholic this morning, but cheered up and I don’t know what happened!! I feel lonely, sad and I could cry….. Just like that 😢

I have to make an effort to go to yoga….but maybe I will just go to bed.

Old eyebrow hairs on the right hand side: two – new ones: millions 🤗

14 January 2018

Writing a blog is like talking to the universe… in a way! I blog about licorice and ….whooop… Caroline and Eva send me licorice …. I wonder what else I could write about 😉 Thanks!!

It is a beautiful sunny day, the kids are at my parents, I can sleep and ….. have a massive cold 🙄 It is annoying, as my sinuses are really dry and I have a few nose bleeds lately…No sauna, no swimming, but maybe a walk?!? Thank God I got myself a weekly newspaper yesterday …. just some coffee now and I can spend the morning in bed ❤️

I still have difficulties reading. The newspaper articles are too long… My concentration span is almost zero….I don’t even try to read any books, but Olivia sent me The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey – a book with short statements, which is easy to read… and inspirational! Thanks, Oli! Newspaper, Oprah and by the afternoon maybe a novel….!?!?

One thing I have to do is fill in the paperwork for my genetics test on Wednesday. „Can you print something at home? Then it is enough, if you show up at 1.30pm!“ – Sure, little did I know that she was talking about 48 pages!?? Well, I will have a look at it today. The test is there to see, if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation that are connected to hereditary breast cancer and known since Angelina Jolie had her breasts removed. It is important not only for me and the planned operation, but also for any of my relatives, who would also need close check ups, if I carry it.

I actually spend all day in bed, reading, watching a movie, on the phone…, but I needed it so much. I know that I spend way too much time on the phone and in the social media, but it is is easy and does not take much concentration….am actively reducing it though. In a way, they play different roles … Facebook is the ‚blast from the past‘ with all my shipmates and Insta is my cancer world and funnily enough, I feel really close to these cancer girls, who I have never met, but chat with now and then….and my Facebook Kick Cancer Chick page combines both shipmates & cancer and my daily life & childhood friends are popping up in all medias…Pinterest is my interior design world, but for some reason, I have completely lost interest since my diagnosis – actually the entire subject does no longer interest me. I wanted to be an interior designer or architect since I was a young girl, which makes it strange… I did check out tattoos on Pinterest though…. I have never been a tattoo person, as my taste changes quite frequently, but maybe I will get a post cancer tattoo!??!

13 January 2018

The kids are fit and off we go! They are so happy to stay with my parents and it makes it so much easier to leave….. perfect!

We are meeting Markus‘ friends from uni for lunch in Schloss Rheydt and since three of them are now married to three of my girlfriends, we both profit equally 😉

I did not see Silke since our Yoga weekend the day after I was diagnosed and we have plenty to discuss, as she wants to join me in Bali for the first week before meeting her husband in Thailand for a diving holiday.

Looks like I will do a back-to-back Karneval, skiing, Bali…. I will have plenty happy moments to pack into my little suitcase to manage the next steps! 😎

Off to the cinema to „Loving Vincent“!

12 January 2018

Cortisone – love you and hate you….. forget the the rosy cheeks, as it is does not make up for the downturns….. not even a tiny weeny bit! No way! Apart from gaining weight and retaining water, I did not sleep all afternoon yesterday!! I rested though and listened to an audio book and watched a movie… Highlight of the day: I read something to the kids, when they came home and they were exhausted, Markus was happy to go to his Jujutsu training and the kids fell asleep really quickly. Mia always sings and talks a lot before she doses off…. just like Leo did ❤️ Adorable ❤️

I do not fall asleep until late and the kids wake me early. Mia is a bit hot today, so we decide to keep her at home and Markus can take a few hour off until she is napping….

Sylvie’s daughter Marie is in hospital…. So sorry for the newly 10 year old…. I change a book I bought for her, but am too tired to drop it off in hospital, as it is really far away and have breakfast with Maja in Café Schmitz instead – Love the place and their porridge!

On the way home I run into this Thai Massage special offer – pure bliss – and …. oh no…. buy clothes again….. I have to stop this post chemo retail therapy, as this is getting out of hands – I already bought a wooly sweater and a cardigan yesterday, but at least second hand 😉 The lady in the shop chats to me about cancer and gives me another 10% discount on the dress and the t-shirt. „Is that a cancer discount?“ I ask „Yes, I think you are handling this so well or do you find that this is inappropriate?!“ Not at all and I told her that I also got 20% discount on my new shoes 😉 Thank you Kiss the Inuit!

Bad Mum moments today: millions, I spend the early morning with the kids, but then I go away and I sleep, while Steffi is with the kids…. I have to look after myself and have to make sure I only see them as much as I can handle right now, but it hurts. We are dropping them off at my parents tomorrow morning for two nights for the same reason – it is the first time ever though that they have both kids and the kids really look forward to it. I just need one or two days, where I can have a layin! I join Steffi and the kids in the late afternoon and we build and ironboard slide, have dinner and a nice evening…both kids have diarrhea and a light temperature though…. fingers crossed for our weekend plans.

Update on the hair count: lost the last two ‚old‘ eyebrow hairs on the left side during the day, but there are plenty of baby ones to make up for it 😀

11 January 2018

Chemo 12/16 is in the books ✔️….. as I am early, I decide to have a coffee in Café Fleur, where I have not been since my first date with Dr. Reiser. As I jump out of the taxi, I bump into Bianca, whose daughter used to go to Leo’s kindergarten. She follows my story and joins me for a very quick coffee – I was not that early after all….

All chemos are lined up and the last one is 7th February 🎉. The clinic calls between two infusions and I quickly go in the hallway with my stand and fix an MRT (MRI) appointment 2nd of February. The operation will be scheduled min. three weeks post the last chemo….. the later the better 😉 It shall not interfere with my travel plans, but she seems to be aware: „So you are planning to go to Bali prior to your operation…“ I will have to see Prof. Warm though prior to the operation and traveling. Whatever it takes – I will make it work!

The insurance company only grants the household aid until the end of chemo, but Prof. Dr. Breidenbach did say „until further notice“. No way! Herr Becker calls me on the way home and I need to get another document signed from the doctor documenting the further therapy and all will be fine!

Chemo nurse Block says that she will not make any predictions, if my hair will stay or go, but I think that there are good chances and also….lighter patches?!! Probably just my imagination! Fingers crossed …. Markus will probably roll his eyes because I write about my hair again, but I love love love it and I am excited to see what structure and colour it will have – so far dark and white mixed. My new eyelashes & brows are white as well and there is fine hair growing in my face and on my arms – but I don’t have to shave my legs yet 😉

I pretty much know all the other faces at chemo now and it makes it even more normal to regularly go! Claudia and Sonja are not here this week, so I quickly chat to the elderly lady next to me about the advantage of having a port and fall asleep.

I gained weight again and make a point to only bring only half a bag of candy, NO chocolate and an apple to chemo, have my carrot juice and jacket potato after chemo – this time I eat it there and watch the people – I love doing that! …. and I eat the chocolate the minute I get home 🙄.

The kids are at Nina’s again for a play date. They really enjoy these afternoons/ evenings and Markus also gets some dinner, when he picks them up! Thanks ❤️ Time for me to go to sleep 😴