5 February 2018

Today is a good day – I slept next to Leo, who was not feeling well, trying to not fall out of bed and having his feet in my face, but full of happiness and I feel much better and stronger today. I will take it easy, as I need to be fit for my last chemo on Wednesday and for my trip next week. I have not even thought about it much – I guess sun protection should be my greatest concern, as chemo patients should by all means avoid the sun. I will take care of that tomorrow 😉

No matter how I feel, I always get up with the kids and we have breakfast together, but I often return to bed with coffee number two after they leave. This is where I am now, the sun is shining into my face and I am enjoying the peace and quietness. I meditate and it it is time to get up, dress up, put some make-up and embrace this beautiful day. Today I feel gratitude for what I have – I am really lucky!

Thursday is the start of Karneval and I still have to dig out our costumes, but we have so many, that I do not really worry. I love Karneval and my brother Micky and his sons will stay with us and on Monday, I invited everyone to our ‚open house‘ breakfast, which I have been doing for years. I am an open house person in my normal life, but since being diagnosed with cancer, I no longer want visitors and rather meet somewhere else. Maybe it is the fact that I can easily leave at any time, if I am not well? I don’t know… this is different though!

I meet Hannah for a quick coffee (for a change in Café Wohnraum 😉) before physio and I am all happy until Prof. Dr. Breidenbach cancels my appointment for the next day and I panic… By the afternoon it is rescheduled, but these little things completely throw me off track lately… I pick up Leo and spend the afternoon with the kids, as much as I can and decide not to go to yoga. I do not want to risk anything and rather rest than do too much – lesson definitely learned here 😉 …. and Markus is happy that he can go instead.

4 February 2018

Yes, yes, yes, today is world cancer day! I do my best to raise awareness and cancer research has gone a long way, but still needs more support to go further and one day beat the beast all together!

Anyone can get it, nobody is safe and there is nothing you can do…..but if you have cancer, you are not alone! I am amazed by all the support I am getting – I am much more on a receiving than a giving end lately and I appreciate it a lot! My family & friends, strangers, doctors, other patients, charities, anyone, who I am in contact with and this whole social media network are amazing – thank you for being there!

I am awake during the night, sleepless, thirsty and tired, but no rest for the wicked. Mia starts singing at 5:30 and I get up at 6:15….. I enjoy it though, bake my first mini pancakes ever and Leo joins us. I am exhausted though, when Markus gets up and takes over, but full of happiness ❤️ The rest of the day, I spend in bed and hope it I will be ok again tomorrow 🙄

It is Sunday and hard not to be fit enough for the kids, especially, as they are so sweet and caring, when Leo says he also needs a rest and joins me, as it is quite difficult to rest alone and then teaches me all about his paper aeroplane in great length all details …. It just makes me feel weak and lonely and I feel I am not living up to their expectations, but I do not have the strength to get up, leave alone go outside and join them on their trip to the zoo. I don’t even manage a shower 😜….This is what I hate most about the cancer though – the distance I feel it sometimes brings between the children and me! Then again, I am probably just having one of these very thin skinned and emotional days 😉

3 February 2018

It is a tough day with mixed emotions, a lot of tears, but also happy memories and laughter. It helps so much to have my school friends there and to hold and support each other, but I leave with a heavy heart full of sadness and sitting on the train to take me back to my ’normal‘ life, I feel drenched and alone.

Death is something, which I have not been thinking about much lately. The thought was there in the early days around my diagnosis and sometimes in between, but today it was so present, so close and I still think that it is so unfair…..life is fragile and so am I today.

I had never heard of the Friedwald concept, where one gets buried in the forest by a tree, but it is something that suits Sandra and I would consider it for myself.

I am extremely tired and on one hand happy to have a little time by myself before Markus and the kids come home, since Markus is going to the Kettcar concert tonight and I need to be fit for the kids. On the other hand, I cannot wait to be with them, as they are full of life and happiness and unconditional love and mean the world to me ❤️.

2 February 2018

I am one day late, but it is important and here it is: on each first of each month it is boobie check day! I honestly never checked mine, but found the lump while showering! Breast cancer is one of the best curable cancers, if caught early enough! Check yourself and if you are uncertain, rather have it checked out and insist, if they do not check it properly…. I was lucky that my doctor called a specialist to do a biopsy right away on the next day and I will always be greatful for that, as my cancer is a really aggressive one, fast growing and happyly metastatic, Bit at this point it had only spread locally!

Chemo 15/16 came and chemo 15/16 went…. I feel fit and ride to my physio at 8.00am, followed by podology (lost my little toe nail already and one of the big ones will be next 😢) and my MRT/ MRI appointment at the Hospital Holweide. These appointments are scary, but I am all positive, as there was nothing left of my tumor on the ultrasound.

In the radiology hallway I bump into Regi, the wonderful guy, who comforted me when I was crying after my first CT scan. I ask him about his baby and tell him about Bali. We chat about India and he says that I should go to Kerala. „I have been to Cochin and my neighbours actually have a hotel there!“ „The Killians?“ Yep – they are good family friends….. I love these small word moments!

The MRT starts not so good, as they need three attempts to put the access for the contrast injection… I almost faint after the second attempt due to low blood pressure and am being put on a stretcher for attempt number three, which is successful 😜

I seem to have a needle issue lately, as I felt the port being punched quite badly yesterday and they needed three attempt at the genetics test as well to take blood 🙄 the MRT goes all smoothly though and I will get the results next week, when I see Prof. Dr. Breidenbach!

I am on the train to my parents, as Sandra’s funeral is already at 8:30am tomorrow morning and Christof collects me already at 7:20 😴…. in my suitcase is my wig. I might wear it tomorrow for the first time, but see how it feels. Somehow I think that this is Sandra’s day and that the cancer should not be a subject, but since it is all outside, I might be ok with just the hat…. we will see!

1 February 2018

Chemo 15/16 ✔️

Beauty update: I was too scared to leave the eyebrow colour on all night and peeled it off before I went to bed last night and they are quite dark. I ask Markus at breakfast, if they are too dark and he states „yeah, but you still peel them off, right!?!?“ …ahhhh! They loose intensity after a shower though and I like them! The attempt to tattoo an eyeliner line (or whatever you call that), also went terribly wrong. I lines did go for a wander during the night and are everywhere, but nothing permanently and my eyes are swollen and sore …. This is probably already the dramatic end to my bright beauty blog future 😉 Yet, I am in a good mood today and even manage a drugstore and cash maschine run prior to chemo!

Today is the last time I am meeting Sonja at pioh and she gives me a little good luck bracelet ❤️, while I get a lecture from nurse Fassbender about doing sports while having an infection. She is right, I know – the heart… even no muscle training! Well, next Wednesday is LAST chemo day and I cannot do sports anyway 😉

Dr. Reiser comes to see me and I shall take the antibiotics for another week and we are going ahead with the chemo. It is quite funny, but all my doctor’s look like they could play in one of these hospital soaps…. maybe this is all not real!??! No, as actually feel the port needle quite intensely today. Last time, the spot was bruised a bit, maybe that is why. These needles look dramatic, as they are really thick, but normally I look away, inhale, they punch it in and all is done.

I actually sleep a good hour at Chemo and get a jacket potato, which they call „Kumpir“ at BearSalad…..hmmmmm and some fresh carrot juice. I sit there, look at the people passing by and feel the peace and quietness.

„You are hungry? You did not have breakfast!?“ The driver asks, as I start eating the licorice I stocked up on, now feeling a bit guilty, as I had breakfast and lunch… „no, I had chemo and it makes me hungry“ he looks at me, nods and says „you will do it! “ and I nod back „this was in fact chemo 15/16 and all is going well! Thanks!“ … and then it comes – attention Bullshit bingo lovers: he wants to know what cancer I have „Aha, breastcancer! You know what you have to do?!? I had a passenger once with the same cancer…. beetroot juice! You can get it in Rewe, go to the beverage section and they sell little packages, but make sure it says Bio on it. It is great and the cancer will be gone!“ 😂🤣 I just thank him – I know he meant well and he is such a friendly chap – sorry, Mr. Taxidriver! Yep, all this time with cancer research wasted, while the answer was always there – but nobody asked the taxi driver in Cologne! Go Bosom Buddies – drink beetroot juice☝️

I talk for a long time with my school friend Gregor on the phone. I know him from kindergarten/music school already and connections will always be there. We are always automatically ourselves – we know so much about each other. Talking to him about Sandra, helps both of us and I am mentally stronger and stronger. Saturday should be a day to celebrate her life!

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Waiting for my second last chemo!!

31 January 2018

I am sooo tired … again! Yesterday I fall asleep all dressed, only to wake up at 3.00am, when Mia decides to be awake. I finally get ready for bed and spend the next two hours laying next to her, while she is singing all her favorite songs, naming all food, which she loves and wants, naming all my body parts, while randomly resting on my belly (much more comfortable post cortisone), chest, neck and cheek 🙄!

Today everything is too much, but also too good…. I go for a mild workout and a heavy coffee & lunch session with the running mamas, quick shower & chat with the Bosom Buddies and it starts raining cats and dogs…. but I still have to pick up Leo and drop him off at the English playgroup. This is the last time we go there and I am quite happy about it! While I wait for him I book my first two nights in Canggu (Bali) on AirBnB for me, myself and I, as Silke is only joining me on the 18th, when we go together to Ubud…. Now I really cannot wait!

Next stop is the department store Kaufhof for Leo’s birthday wish list inspiration. His birthday is in September, but he is determined that it is about time to start thinking about it and since he has never been to a proper toy shop, he is amazed by all the products and cannot stop saying „Wow! Mum, come here… wow!“. We buy something little for him and Mia and off we go – still in the pouring rain – to my hairdresser CUT… obviously it is not me getting a trim!

Hannah lives in the same house as CUT and we go to her place for a playdate before we ride the bike home (still raining).

Yes, it is raining a lot and I have a busy schedule, but I am very happy today and really enjoy the day! I am tired, but I feel alive and I do normal things not having time to check my messages …. that will all change again tomorrow, when I have my second last (!!!) chemo! Thanks to Luisa and Nina for looking after my kids once again in order for me to have peace and quietness post chemo!

Maybe I am going a bit overboard, but I currently have the eyebrow colour on my eyebrows again to make them a bit darker and also on my lids as eyeliner colour….. I will try to leave it overnight and hope I will still have eyesight when I wake up 😜 Fingers crossed!img_9457 At the hairdressers….

30 January 2018

Attention – Beauty blog 😉

After dropping off Leo, I cannot wait to hit the drugstore to get the magic tattoo eyebrows. You paint them on and then peel them off and whoops, you have eyebrows again. It sounds too good to be true and I definitely am not up-to-date when it comes to beauty products. I learn about lash extensions (not suitable right now, as there is nothing to extend, but make a mental note to keep this in mind) and buy some tattoo eyeliner.

I am in Cafe Pause – for a change – to catch up with Hannah after finishing my errands. The girl, who works there, asks me, if I am ok again with my friend. I do not think that I have seen her since the start of the year, but I must have left a lasting impression back then venting my anger about my friend Nick. At the time she did give me a complimentary coffee 😉 …on the other hand, I am kind of easy to recognize with my bald head 🙄

Since I am tired, I cancel my lunch date and ride home to finally try my new eyebrows before I rest. Well, I am happy with the results! Now I will see how long they last and get some energy for the rest of the day… note to self – learn more about cool products! Thank you Bosom Buddies for bringing me up-to-date! There is a whole world out there, which I am apparently not aware of – jeez, I think I am old… but hey, I got eyebrows! Time to take them out for a spin 😜

29 January 2018

The situation is already very emotional, but with chemo drugs, I am even more emotional than normally and cry all morning trying to write to Sandra’s family. My mind does not stand still and since I have so much time to think, I do not find a way out of this mental spin – I need to get out of the house to distract myself! I finally write and post the letter and after physio and a grocery run, I go for some well needed ‚coffee therapy‘ to Café Pause with Nina. Simone joins us and Maja picks me up for lunch in the salad bar next door…. as Tabea said – the café scene in Nippes would currently not survive without me 😉

Trying to be all healthy prior to Karneval, Maja and I have Indian spinach & lentil soup …. hmmm…. but I am shaking from too much coffee and emotions. I ride home and try to rest until the kids return, but chat to the bosom buddies and my school friend Vera instead, which is the best for recharging my batteries. I even have the energy to bath both kids, which is wonderful ❤

Apparently I do not look too well, as the girls thought that I did not wear any make-up. OK, it was not a lot, just some eyebrow colour, mascara on my five lashes (which is now really pointless) and eyeliner, but you don’t know what it looks like without any make-up at all – you would be shocked….I will have to wear MORE make-up! My bosom buddies told me about these tattoo eyebrows and I cannot wait for the drugstore to open tomorrow – beautiful brows, bring them on! I will post the results unless I look like Theo Waigel 😉

Yes, I am still on antibiotics, but I feel a little better and did consider yoga for about five minutes… Markus is happy that he can quite regularly go to his sports lately, but next week, I will go again!

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28 January 2018

I think my big toe nails are slowly saying good bye now 😢, my new lashes are almost all gone again, I have skin irritations and have gained more weight – I really had enough and cannot wait for the chemo to be over!!…. Silke has booked her flights to join me for one week in Bali and now we can start looking for accommodation, yoga, meditation, etc. – I really need this now to keep me going and I look forward to rest, peace and quietness.

Today is time for a quiet day, as I am tired and exhausted. We just stay at home and Carla and her dad come around.

Leo and I have tickets for the Deine Freunde concert in Palladium and we are both not in the mood, but I decide not to arrive too much in advance and only stay for an hour. There is a massive queue and for the first time, I use the cancer joker, as I don’t think I am fit enough to queue for thirty minutes and the security lady let’s us in through the VIP entrance. Thanks! These kids concerts are amazing – I would never thought that something like this existed until my nephew Finn told me about it…

Sandra’s funeral is next Saturday and I cannot stop thinking about her. It helps a lot to talk to my school friends and it brings us closer together, as we are all united in shock. I am dreading Saturday, but I really want to go to somehow be close to Sandra, her family and my friends.

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27 January 2018

Leo and his buddy Jakob learn how to ski today! Despite my prejudice concerning indoor skiing, I am amazed by the set-up with different lifts, ski huts and all you would normally find in a ski resort – great concept, Skihalle Neuss!

We have a quick dinner at Jamas and are all exhausted, but happy! What a great day!