Benni passed away this morning and I am glad that we arranged a breakfast with our cancer blogger buddies! The mood is a bit depressed, but it is soothing that we all have each other ❤️

I leave with a heavy heart, which is full of appreciation for our connection, the cancer community and it goes to Benni’s family! I have to put my shades on, as the sun is so bright!

In his last post, he says „The journey has always been the reward“ and that „life is beautiful“ – Benni showed determination, resilience and serenity until the end and I love his motto „more humour than tumour“! Benni, I squeeze my eyes, look into the sun and salute to you ❤️

I moan about my skin, which is breaking out everywhere and catapults me back into puberty. Is this a problem?!? Not really, as this is when I learn that fellow cancer blogger Benni from Cancelling Cancer posted his last post – he has probably only days left ….

Benni has been diagnosed with bowel cancer nine years ago aged 20 and has put a lot of work and effort into his blog, organizations and awareness with a lot of humour (I love his humour) and serenity! He is the head of the „Young adults with cancer“ group, our „Cancer blogger“ group and some others and brought us all together….thank you, Benni! Thank you for continuing to inspiring all of us ❤️

I have no words, but cannot stop thinking about you and your family!

„Giving up is not an option“ – that is what it says on the bracelet Kerstin from Sasasum sent me today…. What a perfect timing!

I learned today that a family friend – a young mother – got the diagnosis breastcancer and Natalie from Blogger4Charity is currently waiting for confirmation that the tumor in her breast is hopefully benign. This along with all the metastasis, reoccurrences and complications the cancer community is facing lately, makes me awfully sad.

On the other hand, I am proud of all these strong women and grateful to be part of this club, where nobody wants to be a member, but once you are, you meet the most amazing women! The bond, unity, strength and silent understanding are amazing and something I no longer want to miss! I think the limit is reached though and I am sad for any new member!

Cancer research has advanced tremendously and there are a lot of success stories, but the people who’s story is anything but success, could not care less about the little percentage their are part of…. statistics don’t help us really, as you never know which side of the statistic you are on!

Cancer – I hate you, you vicious creature! I will support breast cancer awareness and research as much as I can and hopefully we can soon refer to cancer as something that used to be scary, unpredictable and fatal – in the past tense! Like a wild creature, which has finally been tamed ❤️

Join me and others ‚club members‘ March 29 after 4:30pm for a breast cancer round table organized by Blogger4Charity in Hannover at Rossmann’s headquarter (Isernhägener Str. 16, 30938 Burgwedel) to learn about breast cancer, connect and exchange – no matter if you are already part of the club or will hopefully never be one!

My combat plan back into normal life is working!

I am living proof that you do not have to leave your home to do a significant part of your 10.000 daily steps…. I managed to generate 8.000 steps in our flat by running up and downstairs tidying up, sorting things and decluttering everything! Ok, I left the paperwork and admin stuff for now, but I feel I have achieved a lot!

Tonight I attended my first „women sports“ class with my kids‘ gym trainer and they did Tabata – I have just recovered from my sore muscles from yoga and tomorrow morning is LaufMamaLauf…. ouch! But I love it – I feel like I am doing something, do what I expected to do in rehab and my relaxation is yoga nidra – the yoga sleep – tomorrow night. I feel tired and exhausted, but alive and that this is the right thing to bring me back to speed!

Everyday life – I am getting ready – bring it on!

Two weeks to go until I start working… there is panic and the feeling that my life will be over…. I know that most people are longing to go back to work, but right now, I am a bit scared. Therefore I try to do as much as I can beforehand…. It will be tough to manage all my therapies and Sport around work, but to know, if I can do it, I have to give it a go!

Saturday I attend a yoga class at I’m possible yoga and today at 6:30 I return for a meditation. My muscles are still sore from Saturday and I feel that I did more sports than during the entire rehab…and I do ask myself though what the point is, as it is an unguided meditation, but I still enjoy it and am thankful for the people I meet…. They live in my neighbourhood, we are likeminded and I think that I will probably attend a course at Abheda’s studio, but since there are so many other classes I’d like to try, I put the thought away 😉

Two weeks left and so many plans ….. as usual, I will only realize a small fraction, but I am over the moon to finally have unpacked my rehab luggage – yeah! And is am successfully ignoring my paperwork… until tomorrow…. one step at a time!

Music therapy – it is that song „Home is where the heart is“…. I choke, feel sad and tears run down my face…. I still think about my friend Nick, about feeling homey, but also about being hurt, but I hope to overcome it one day! We continue to chant mantras and happy songs and I leave on a high though! I have a good session with my psychologist and focus on the next two weeks planning my way back into working life now!

#mindfulness is my focus not to get stressed during reintegration (or beforehand 😉) …. but I still need to work on my fitness!

Part of this process is looking after myself and asking Markus today to look after Mia for me to see my alternative practitioner! She reckons that I am exhausted and that in Chinese medicine, the osteopenia can be caused by a deep energy deficit and that it is the right way to go to look after myself!

I will try a women’s sport class around the corner, have now purchased a book of ten tickets for some yoga and meditation classes, will see, if a MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) course fits in somewhere and have a consultation meeting for rehab sport…. it sounds like a lot, but I need to find a way to build this into my daily life along with check ups and therapies I have to attend and I need to test my options now …. the most important thing is though that I need to stop anything that stresses me, but I need to try!

It is my quarterly check up with my gynaecologist and we need to discuss my reintegration….

„What do you mean? They only planned six weeks?!?“ She is shocked and has never heard that this is the maximum and that she can apparently adjust it, as she believes that the plan is set in stone.

The problem is that the reintegration is normally organized via the health insurance and not the pension fund, but as I am no longer entitled to sick pay, the pension fund is paying during my reintegration and hence it is probably slightly different…. and along comes a lot of paperwork – again!

I leave all the information I have for her to have a look and scheduled an appointment after the start of my reintegration to see how it goes and to discuss further steps, but need to verify with rehab’s social services that this is how it works… ahhh!

I just manage grocery shopping, tidying the flat, chiropody and the laundry, when Kindergarten calls – Mia has diarrhea again!

Highlight of my day – my childhood heartthrob Christian is a dentist nowadays, read about my troubles, made sure I know about bisphosphonate therapy risks and now had a look at my dental x-rays!

He offered trying to fix my teeth, which would save me from sky high special bills. Downturn is that if he does not succeed, I face loosing my two teeth, but it is the worst case scenario and hey, it is all the way in the back, I could get implants and for now, we are are taking one step at a time and keep our fingers crossed!

I will discuss it with my dentist tomorrow, but in any case – I am awfully grateful!

For the last two days, I had my Mojo back…. yeah! I had the feeling that I had energy and it was wonderful!

I did ask for normality and here it is – BAM! Normality hits me in the face…. Mia has a little bit of diarrhea this morning and my first reaction is panic, but I accept the challenge being my stronger self and see the positive! I decide to take her along to my running mamas (safely hidden away in the pram not to touch anything or anyone) and only drop off Leo in Kindergarten.

As I arrive, I face reality – BAM! This is when shit literal hits the fan or is simply everywhere…. ahhh! No sports, but a u turn to get Mia home…

What have I learned though?!? I spend quality time with Mia and still manage some household tasks and decide that baking has priority over showering ….

I am not back to normal though, have to ask Markus to finish work an hour earlier, have a sore throat and feel a bit weak – who am I kidding, I am completely exhausted – but I think I am stronger than a few weeks ago! And things like unpacking my luggage, will have to wait 😉

Things have changed…. since January, I can no longer stand coffee and I drink fruit and herbal tea! Unbelievable as coffee dates friends were my therapy for the past 18 month and always a personal highlight during my day! Something I cherished and would appreciate any time of the day or week….

Today I take it easy, just have physio, do some paperwork and meet my friends for lunch and tea…. it is just as sociable as coffee in fact and I feel that it is good for me – or in other words – I don’t miss anything and my favorite coffee places also serve tea! It’s a brand new world.

After chemo I could no longer stand ginger tea and chicken soup, as I had it with and after my chemos, but I don’t know why I am suddenly a tea junkie 🤷‍♀️

Coffee was an issue for about four days after each EC chemo and I could not even stand the smell, but afterwards I was always back to normal and really enjoyed it!!

Onwards and upwards! I feel energetic today…. that is a feeling I did not have for a long time and I love it! I decided to do whatever I can and simple ignore the rest for now! I will spend the afternoon with my kids and tonight I will….. finish knitting the socks I started in rehab!

It is raining cats and dogs, but the sun breaks through, as I am enjoying music therapy… the sounds and Manfred Hermann’s enthusiasm are just what I needed paid with a little session with my psychologist.

I let it all be and scroll through the rain to visit Sabrina, who had a bone marrow transplantation. I have problems?!? Not really! Get well soon my fellow cancer blogger ❤️