My combat plan back into normal life is working!

I am living proof that you do not have to leave your home to do a significant part of your 10.000 daily steps…. I managed to generate 8.000 steps in our flat by running up and downstairs tidying up, sorting things and decluttering everything! Ok, I left the paperwork and admin stuff for now, but I feel I have achieved a lot!

Tonight I attended my first „women sports“ class with my kids‘ gym trainer and they did Tabata – I have just recovered from my sore muscles from yoga and tomorrow morning is LaufMamaLauf…. ouch! But I love it – I feel like I am doing something, do what I expected to do in rehab and my relaxation is yoga nidra – the yoga sleep – tomorrow night. I feel tired and exhausted, but alive and that this is the right thing to bring me back to speed!

Everyday life – I am getting ready – bring it on!

Two weeks to go until I start working… there is panic and the feeling that my life will be over…. I know that most people are longing to go back to work, but right now, I am a bit scared. Therefore I try to do as much as I can beforehand…. It will be tough to manage all my therapies and Sport around work, but to know, if I can do it, I have to give it a go!

Saturday I attend a yoga class at I’m possible yoga and today at 6:30 I return for a meditation. My muscles are still sore from Saturday and I feel that I did more sports than during the entire rehab…and I do ask myself though what the point is, as it is an unguided meditation, but I still enjoy it and am thankful for the people I meet…. They live in my neighbourhood, we are likeminded and I think that I will probably attend a course at Abheda’s studio, but since there are so many other classes I’d like to try, I put the thought away 😉

Two weeks left and so many plans ….. as usual, I will only realize a small fraction, but I am over the moon to finally have unpacked my rehab luggage – yeah! And is am successfully ignoring my paperwork… until tomorrow…. one step at a time!

Music therapy – it is that song „Home is where the heart is“…. I choke, feel sad and tears run down my face…. I still think about my friend Nick, about feeling homey, but also about being hurt, but I hope to overcome it one day! We continue to chant mantras and happy songs and I leave on a high though! I have a good session with my psychologist and focus on the next two weeks planning my way back into working life now!

#mindfulness is my focus not to get stressed during reintegration (or beforehand 😉) …. but I still need to work on my fitness!

Part of this process is looking after myself and asking Markus today to look after Mia for me to see my alternative practitioner! She reckons that I am exhausted and that in Chinese medicine, the osteopenia can be caused by a deep energy deficit and that it is the right way to go to look after myself!

I will try a women’s sport class around the corner, have now purchased a book of ten tickets for some yoga and meditation classes, will see, if a MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) course fits in somewhere and have a consultation meeting for rehab sport…. it sounds like a lot, but I need to find a way to build this into my daily life along with check ups and therapies I have to attend and I need to test my options now …. the most important thing is though that I need to stop anything that stresses me, but I need to try!

It is my quarterly check up with my gynaecologist and we need to discuss my reintegration….

„What do you mean? They only planned six weeks?!?“ She is shocked and has never heard that this is the maximum and that she can apparently adjust it, as she believes that the plan is set in stone.

The problem is that the reintegration is normally organized via the health insurance and not the pension fund, but as I am no longer entitled to sick pay, the pension fund is paying during my reintegration and hence it is probably slightly different…. and along comes a lot of paperwork – again!

I leave all the information I have for her to have a look and scheduled an appointment after the start of my reintegration to see how it goes and to discuss further steps, but need to verify with rehab’s social services that this is how it works… ahhh!

I just manage grocery shopping, tidying the flat, chiropody and the laundry, when Kindergarten calls – Mia has diarrhea again!

Highlight of my day – my childhood heartthrob Christian is a dentist nowadays, read about my troubles, made sure I know about bisphosphonate therapy risks and now had a look at my dental x-rays!

He offered trying to fix my teeth, which would save me from sky high special bills. Downturn is that if he does not succeed, I face loosing my two teeth, but it is the worst case scenario and hey, it is all the way in the back, I could get implants and for now, we are are taking one step at a time and keep our fingers crossed!

I will discuss it with my dentist tomorrow, but in any case – I am awfully grateful!

For the last two days, I had my Mojo back…. yeah! I had the feeling that I had energy and it was wonderful!

I did ask for normality and here it is – BAM! Normality hits me in the face…. Mia has a little bit of diarrhea this morning and my first reaction is panic, but I accept the challenge being my stronger self and see the positive! I decide to take her along to my running mamas (safely hidden away in the pram not to touch anything or anyone) and only drop off Leo in Kindergarten.

As I arrive, I face reality – BAM! This is when shit literal hits the fan or is simply everywhere…. ahhh! No sports, but a u turn to get Mia home…

What have I learned though?!? I spend quality time with Mia and still manage some household tasks and decide that baking has priority over showering ….

I am not back to normal though, have to ask Markus to finish work an hour earlier, have a sore throat and feel a bit weak – who am I kidding, I am completely exhausted – but I think I am stronger than a few weeks ago! And things like unpacking my luggage, will have to wait 😉

Things have changed…. since January, I can no longer stand coffee and I drink fruit and herbal tea! Unbelievable as coffee dates friends were my therapy for the past 18 month and always a personal highlight during my day! Something I cherished and would appreciate any time of the day or week….

Today I take it easy, just have physio, do some paperwork and meet my friends for lunch and tea…. it is just as sociable as coffee in fact and I feel that it is good for me – or in other words – I don’t miss anything and my favorite coffee places also serve tea! It’s a brand new world.

After chemo I could no longer stand ginger tea and chicken soup, as I had it with and after my chemos, but I don’t know why I am suddenly a tea junkie 🤷‍♀️

Coffee was an issue for about four days after each EC chemo and I could not even stand the smell, but afterwards I was always back to normal and really enjoyed it!!

Onwards and upwards! I feel energetic today…. that is a feeling I did not have for a long time and I love it! I decided to do whatever I can and simple ignore the rest for now! I will spend the afternoon with my kids and tonight I will….. finish knitting the socks I started in rehab!

It is raining cats and dogs, but the sun breaks through, as I am enjoying music therapy… the sounds and Manfred Hermann’s enthusiasm are just what I needed paid with a little session with my psychologist.

I let it all be and scroll through the rain to visit Sabrina, who had a bone marrow transplantation. I have problems?!? Not really! Get well soon my fellow cancer blogger ❤️

I feel a bit lost in space…. happy that I had a wonderful weekend with my kids away from everything and panic that I start my reintegration into my job in three weeks time… ahhh!

Now, how does it work?

Due to the fact that I am starting the reintegration within four weeks after completing rehab, I am still entitled to the allowance paid by the pension fund, which I received during rehab (I have not received anything yet, but that is one of the issues I am dealing with tomorrow). The payments will end, when I am fully back in my job.

What happens, if the reintegration fails?

If I go back to being signed off sick, I will have to apply for unemployment benefits, as my entitlement for sick pay ended yesterday (at least for breast cancer – any other illnesses would still be covered) after 18 month.

Should I partially fail my reintegration, there is an option for a partial pension and should I succeed, I am back in the working world.

What if I have a reoccurrence?

I will only be entitled to sick pay (for breast cancer) in another 18 months time, as during a period of three years, I am only allowed to get sick pay for one illness for a max. of 18 months. Should I face a reoccurrence any time earlier, I would have to apply for unemployment benefits…. as if anyone would have a reoccurrence or metastasis on purpose?!?!

Well, for now, I hope for the best and until then I am marching step by step through the rest of March with therapy and my administrative paperwork jungle. Have a great start to your week!

Chemo buddy Claudia reminds me that we had our operations one year ago yesterday…. wow!

At the time, I thought that was it…I had successfully completed all chemos and operations, was blown up by cortisone and my hair – at least at the back of my head – started to grow again! The plan: operation, radiation, rehab and back to work end of summer …. but it doesn’t always go according to plan…. that is one thing I learned quite quickly with cancer – be flexible!

The rest of my tumor was removed along with the tumor beds and my chemo port and the pathologists would analyse the tissue to see, if any tumor cells are left. The magic letters every cancer patient want to hear are PCR (pathological complete remission) meaning that you are officially cancer free! Claudia received her PCR days before me, which made me suspicious! I was right, I did not get the PCR, as they still found active tumor cells. I still consider myself cancer free after my operation though, as the active cells were in the rest of the tumor and that was now in some petri dish in a lab and no longer in my body….

Nevertheless, it meant another five months of chemo pills after radiation, as you simply don’t know, if there are active cells anywhere else.

To add to my troubles, a few days later my operated breast burst and would not stop bleeding…. There was a massive haematoma in my breast and must have had it already leaving hospital! I had mentioned that the operated breast was quite massive, but the doctor, who examined it said „it is nothing to worry, as it is all soft“… I know better now, as this meant massive complications for me and it means that I will need another operation end of this summer.

Instead of being back in my normal life, I am still having to deal with my administrative nightmare that comes along with cancer, struggle financially and have no idea how ’normal‘ life will work, as my energy hit rock bottom months ago…. and still – I am alive and there are a lot of wonderful things in my life apart from all the hassle!

I am a bit swamped at the moment with bits and bobs instead of concentrating on everyday life without a household aid, but I hope it will quiet down and now it is the weekend and I try to recharge my batteries and enjoy quality time with my kids!

Do you fancy a little taste of what has kept me busy yesterday? I have to be with Mia in hospital to prepare for her upcoming operation to remove the metal from her leg, cancel the start of my bisphosphonate therapy in the light of an infection in my jaw, which needs to be fixed beforehand, organise the dental treatments through my dentist and try to get them paid by the insurance company, stupid calls regarding payments I made 2017 & 2018, objecting the insurance decision not to pay my 3D ultrasound, which detected my jaw infection, calls to settle the issues between the rehab social services and the unemployment office, handling bills, my luggage was damaged and I need to return some forms and the pension fund wants to have proof of when I started university 🤦‍♀️…. but I try to do one thing at a time and my priority is to take Mia to hospital and to have lunch with her and the afternoon is reserved to my kids – and despite all the trouble…. that is the only thing that counts – regardless of the fact that I am a wreck by the end of the day and pass out with the kids!

It is now 18 month since my diagnosis…. 18 month of doctor’s appointment, chemos, operations, radiations, paperwork and waiting rooms…. cancer comes along with a big administrative package!

So far I have ticked off a lot of points on my cancer journey, but today I am closing another chapter. My entitlement of sick pay ends this week and I need to go to the unemployment office to register as unemployed. I have never been unemployed and I am amazed how busy this place is….

Now, what does this mean? The unemployment office has a department for the chronically ill and normally I would now go from sick pay to unemployment benefits.

During rehab I get an allowance from the pension fund and if I start my Reintegration within four weeks after rehab, this allowance will continuously be paid until the reintegration is completed.

The people I wait with are from all walks of life…. old, young, different nationalities and I am wondering what their stories are… there is the macho, telling everyone how it works, while the fragile old man feels uncomfortable being here…

After an endless wait, the official is lost and has no idea what I want…. apparently they have never had a case, where the pension fund continued to pay …. I still need to register with them according to the social services. They have all my details and will call me back!

I receive a call from my dentist. The 3D ultrasound found that there is an infection in my jaw bone…. I need a root treatment in one tooth and another one in the tooth next to it, which was done 25 years ago…. the bone will then hopefully heal itself!

Problem 1: the bisphosphonate therapy can not start next week

Problem 2: I need to go to a specialist and am facing costs of appr. €1.800/tooth…. I need to speak to my insurance company, as my dentists thinks that it is unlikely that they pay….

To sum it up – I had enough…. it really is a never ending story and I just want to go back to normality and don’t want any further treatments!