It is my quarterly check up with my gynaecologist and we need to discuss my reintegration….

„What do you mean? They only planned six weeks?!?“ She is shocked and has never heard that this is the maximum and that she can apparently adjust it, as she believes that the plan is set in stone.

The problem is that the reintegration is normally organized via the health insurance and not the pension fund, but as I am no longer entitled to sick pay, the pension fund is paying during my reintegration and hence it is probably slightly different…. and along comes a lot of paperwork – again!

I leave all the information I have for her to have a look and scheduled an appointment after the start of my reintegration to see how it goes and to discuss further steps, but need to verify with rehab’s social services that this is how it works… ahhh!

I just manage grocery shopping, tidying the flat, chiropody and the laundry, when Kindergarten calls – Mia has diarrhea again!

Highlight of my day – my childhood heartthrob Christian is a dentist nowadays, read about my troubles, made sure I know about bisphosphonate therapy risks and now had a look at my dental x-rays!

He offered trying to fix my teeth, which would save me from sky high special bills. Downturn is that if he does not succeed, I face loosing my two teeth, but it is the worst case scenario and hey, it is all the way in the back, I could get implants and for now, we are are taking one step at a time and keep our fingers crossed!

I will discuss it with my dentist tomorrow, but in any case – I am awfully grateful!

For the last two days, I had my Mojo back…. yeah! I had the feeling that I had energy and it was wonderful!

I did ask for normality and here it is – BAM! Normality hits me in the face…. Mia has a little bit of diarrhea this morning and my first reaction is panic, but I accept the challenge being my stronger self and see the positive! I decide to take her along to my running mamas (safely hidden away in the pram not to touch anything or anyone) and only drop off Leo in Kindergarten.

As I arrive, I face reality – BAM! This is when shit literal hits the fan or is simply everywhere…. ahhh! No sports, but a u turn to get Mia home…

What have I learned though?!? I spend quality time with Mia and still manage some household tasks and decide that baking has priority over showering ….

I am not back to normal though, have to ask Markus to finish work an hour earlier, have a sore throat and feel a bit weak – who am I kidding, I am completely exhausted – but I think I am stronger than a few weeks ago! And things like unpacking my luggage, will have to wait 😉

Things have changed…. since January, I can no longer stand coffee and I drink fruit and herbal tea! Unbelievable as coffee dates friends were my therapy for the past 18 month and always a personal highlight during my day! Something I cherished and would appreciate any time of the day or week….

Today I take it easy, just have physio, do some paperwork and meet my friends for lunch and tea…. it is just as sociable as coffee in fact and I feel that it is good for me – or in other words – I don’t miss anything and my favorite coffee places also serve tea! It’s a brand new world.

After chemo I could no longer stand ginger tea and chicken soup, as I had it with and after my chemos, but I don’t know why I am suddenly a tea junkie 🤷‍♀️

Coffee was an issue for about four days after each EC chemo and I could not even stand the smell, but afterwards I was always back to normal and really enjoyed it!!

Onwards and upwards! I feel energetic today…. that is a feeling I did not have for a long time and I love it! I decided to do whatever I can and simple ignore the rest for now! I will spend the afternoon with my kids and tonight I will….. finish knitting the socks I started in rehab!

It is raining cats and dogs, but the sun breaks through, as I am enjoying music therapy… the sounds and Manfred Hermann’s enthusiasm are just what I needed paid with a little session with my psychologist.

I let it all be and scroll through the rain to visit Sabrina, who had a bone marrow transplantation. I have problems?!? Not really! Get well soon my fellow cancer blogger ❤️

I feel a bit lost in space…. happy that I had a wonderful weekend with my kids away from everything and panic that I start my reintegration into my job in three weeks time… ahhh!

Now, how does it work?

Due to the fact that I am starting the reintegration within four weeks after completing rehab, I am still entitled to the allowance paid by the pension fund, which I received during rehab (I have not received anything yet, but that is one of the issues I am dealing with tomorrow). The payments will end, when I am fully back in my job.

What happens, if the reintegration fails?

If I go back to being signed off sick, I will have to apply for unemployment benefits, as my entitlement for sick pay ended yesterday (at least for breast cancer – any other illnesses would still be covered) after 18 month.

Should I partially fail my reintegration, there is an option for a partial pension and should I succeed, I am back in the working world.

What if I have a reoccurrence?

I will only be entitled to sick pay (for breast cancer) in another 18 months time, as during a period of three years, I am only allowed to get sick pay for one illness for a max. of 18 months. Should I face a reoccurrence any time earlier, I would have to apply for unemployment benefits…. as if anyone would have a reoccurrence or metastasis on purpose?!?!

Well, for now, I hope for the best and until then I am marching step by step through the rest of March with therapy and my administrative paperwork jungle. Have a great start to your week!

Chemo buddy Claudia reminds me that we had our operations one year ago yesterday…. wow!

At the time, I thought that was it…I had successfully completed all chemos and operations, was blown up by cortisone and my hair – at least at the back of my head – started to grow again! The plan: operation, radiation, rehab and back to work end of summer …. but it doesn’t always go according to plan…. that is one thing I learned quite quickly with cancer – be flexible!

The rest of my tumor was removed along with the tumor beds and my chemo port and the pathologists would analyse the tissue to see, if any tumor cells are left. The magic letters every cancer patient want to hear are PCR (pathological complete remission) meaning that you are officially cancer free! Claudia received her PCR days before me, which made me suspicious! I was right, I did not get the PCR, as they still found active tumor cells. I still consider myself cancer free after my operation though, as the active cells were in the rest of the tumor and that was now in some petri dish in a lab and no longer in my body….

Nevertheless, it meant another five months of chemo pills after radiation, as you simply don’t know, if there are active cells anywhere else.

To add to my troubles, a few days later my operated breast burst and would not stop bleeding…. There was a massive haematoma in my breast and must have had it already leaving hospital! I had mentioned that the operated breast was quite massive, but the doctor, who examined it said „it is nothing to worry, as it is all soft“… I know better now, as this meant massive complications for me and it means that I will need another operation end of this summer.

Instead of being back in my normal life, I am still having to deal with my administrative nightmare that comes along with cancer, struggle financially and have no idea how ’normal‘ life will work, as my energy hit rock bottom months ago…. and still – I am alive and there are a lot of wonderful things in my life apart from all the hassle!

I am a bit swamped at the moment with bits and bobs instead of concentrating on everyday life without a household aid, but I hope it will quiet down and now it is the weekend and I try to recharge my batteries and enjoy quality time with my kids!

Do you fancy a little taste of what has kept me busy yesterday? I have to be with Mia in hospital to prepare for her upcoming operation to remove the metal from her leg, cancel the start of my bisphosphonate therapy in the light of an infection in my jaw, which needs to be fixed beforehand, organise the dental treatments through my dentist and try to get them paid by the insurance company, stupid calls regarding payments I made 2017 & 2018, objecting the insurance decision not to pay my 3D ultrasound, which detected my jaw infection, calls to settle the issues between the rehab social services and the unemployment office, handling bills, my luggage was damaged and I need to return some forms and the pension fund wants to have proof of when I started university 🤦‍♀️…. but I try to do one thing at a time and my priority is to take Mia to hospital and to have lunch with her and the afternoon is reserved to my kids – and despite all the trouble…. that is the only thing that counts – regardless of the fact that I am a wreck by the end of the day and pass out with the kids!

It is now 18 month since my diagnosis…. 18 month of doctor’s appointment, chemos, operations, radiations, paperwork and waiting rooms…. cancer comes along with a big administrative package!

So far I have ticked off a lot of points on my cancer journey, but today I am closing another chapter. My entitlement of sick pay ends this week and I need to go to the unemployment office to register as unemployed. I have never been unemployed and I am amazed how busy this place is….

Now, what does this mean? The unemployment office has a department for the chronically ill and normally I would now go from sick pay to unemployment benefits.

During rehab I get an allowance from the pension fund and if I start my Reintegration within four weeks after rehab, this allowance will continuously be paid until the reintegration is completed.

The people I wait with are from all walks of life…. old, young, different nationalities and I am wondering what their stories are… there is the macho, telling everyone how it works, while the fragile old man feels uncomfortable being here…

After an endless wait, the official is lost and has no idea what I want…. apparently they have never had a case, where the pension fund continued to pay …. I still need to register with them according to the social services. They have all my details and will call me back!

I receive a call from my dentist. The 3D ultrasound found that there is an infection in my jaw bone…. I need a root treatment in one tooth and another one in the tooth next to it, which was done 25 years ago…. the bone will then hopefully heal itself!

Problem 1: the bisphosphonate therapy can not start next week

Problem 2: I need to go to a specialist and am facing costs of appr. €1.800/tooth…. I need to speak to my insurance company, as my dentists thinks that it is unlikely that they pay….

To sum it up – I had enough…. it really is a never ending story and I just want to go back to normality and don’t want any further treatments!

9:45am and my FitBit Alta vibrates like crazy blasting fireworks to celebrate my 10.000 steps mark…. and no, I just started my sports programme with LaufMamaLauf. The simple trick was to celebrate Karneval until the wee hours of the morning 😉

I won my FitBit a month ago, just in time to test it during my rehab!

Can I recommend it?

Yes! By all means! It wasn’t love at first sight and I still don’t like the fact that it isn’t waterproof, as I love to swim and I get angry, when I leave the pool and my FitBit moans that I have not moved for a while… but generally I like those little reminders and I celebrate the fireworks I get – stop wherever I am and have to watch it!

The ultimate highlight is the monitoring of my sleep though! Fatigue is making my daily life difficult and now I know that I sleep very restless and have something I can work on…

I am back in my daily routines of doctor appointments, administration nightmares and regulations, but it all adds to my FitBit step account and that motivates me!

I am on my way home…. the Black forrest dressed for the occasion with sugared trees, as it snowed again last night… I have never been to the black forrest, but it is so beautiful. As we pass the last mountain before reaching Freiburg, all is covered in deep snow and I love this winter wonderland… we follow a snow plow and see the black clouds hanging over Freiburg – it is breathtaking …. I love the nature, the snow, the funny accent and the wooden houses, but enough is enough and I look forward to going home!

Would I recommend Todtmoos and the Wehrawaldklinik? It depends what you are looking for…. I made the most out of my stay, but I feel that it is one of the quieter rehabs from what I heard from other rehab facilities and I would have loved to see more yoga, meditation, relaxation, creative therapies and maybe creative sports, like Zumba or any feel good activities. Half of the patients are here for psychosomatic issues and they had by far more activities like that.

I am happy they do, but why would you not offer it to cancer patients? Isn’t our soul entitled to relax, unwind and try new things? Isn’t cancer something that can cause mental stress?!? Don’t we classify?!? Is rehab only looking at the physical side of things? If these activities are offered at the clinic anyway, why not offer it to cancer patients as well?!?

I have benefitted from the rehab and would say that it was ok, but I would not rave about it… I kept a little bit quiet and to myself, but some connections I made were special and especially during my last week, I enjoyed the company and conversations, but I really wanted to focus on myself and the peace and quietness!

What are your experiences, my fellow cancer folks?! What were your expectations?

I wanted to tackle my cancer fatigue, I wanted to get fit again and hopefully loose some weight (which was a success, but not due to any programme the clinic recommended, but just sports and healthy nutrition and being sick for two weeks), have some mindful me time, where I recharge my batteries (and the quietness and rest certainly were good for me), have someone work on softening my scars (I had once a week lymph drainage, so that helped) and return fit and strong into everyday life….. I doubt that I am much fitter or stronger, but I will wait what it will be like once I am at home!

Next step – Karneval in Nippes with my kids this afternoon, hopefully a wee bit of Karneval for myself tonight and starting my life without a household aid tomorrow…. wish me luck!

There is a new tab in my blog „What helped me?“ with things that helped me during therapy and I will continue to talk about rehab and follow up care! Let me know what you think and if there are any tips you would like me to include….

#feelitonthefirst – did you know that you need to not only check your boobs, but also the area around it until you reach the collar bones and arm pits?

Start with a visual check – is anything different? Any lumps, dents, any change of colour? Continue to examine the entire chests area laying on your back and side using the three middle fingers. Move in little circles all over your chest area in rows like a lawn mower. If you are not sure, there are several instructions how to do it on YouTube and websites like Brustkrebszentrale.de!!

There is no screening programme in place for people under 50 and you know what, in the mammogram my tumor was in fact hardly visible, as smaller and younger boobs are too tight for good results! Ultrasound would be a better, but it is not part of the regular check up…. and therefore it is your responsibility, as you are the expert, when it comes to your body and you need to look after it!

I will not get tired of repeating that I only found my lump by accident and I had only been to a regular check with my gynecologist three months earlier and there was nothing…. another three months later and I don’t want to imagine what the consequences would have been – I could literally watch my tumor grow and it scared the hell out of me…. breast cancer treatments have many options and advance fast, but the chances get slimmer the later the cancer is diagnosed.

My rehab is coming to an end and the endless days of sunshine as well…. my skiing plans will probably be replaced by more knitting and crochet work – anything that helps to get some feelings back into my fingertips 😉I will give you an update once I leave the black forrest, will digital detox a bit longer and try to find a bit of Karneval in Todtmoos!

I feel that I benefitted from the rehab, as no matter how fit, unfit, awake or tired I am, I had a time out to focus only on myself and I could mentally recharge my batteries…. the fatigue is still there, but today is actually a good day – right now I feel slightly more awake (which might be different in an hour, but I am grateful for any small improvement along the way)! Onwards and upwards ❤️