I spend my afternoon in a little Pirat world with sticky happy kids, glowing cheeks, cheers and laughter, Pirat songs yelled on top of their lungs, a tug of war with trembling bodies and little feet counting their steps through the underwood, while clinging to their stained and burned treasure map….the excitement of plunging voices and dirty fingers digging through gold nuggets.

I cry a lot today, as my heart is full of love watching my little pirat growing up – I am grateful that I can be here to dive into this beautiful autumn afternoon and enjoy a glass of champagne with my remaining family and friends, as the day comes to an end and the time of Leo’s birth repeats. Four years already and I don’t want to miss a minute and want many many more.

Two little pirates stay with me, as everyone else leaves and my heart melts away as they snuggle up to me ❤️ I am so grateful, full of love and ready to pass out any minute 😉

What a day….. Pfew!!

I am exhausted, but not surprisingly. The onchologist visit results in one extra week of chemo break to give my toes a chance to recover a bit, but he says it will be worse and worse. He is in favor of my Avene cure though and hopes that we might even have a better chance to complete all eight chemo cycles…. we will see! He said from the beginning that he will try to do all eight cycles, but if the feet and hands suffer to much we will have to stop…. fingers crossed!

I am busy with last minute buys (typical) for tomorrow’s 5th Pirat birthday bash and despite the fact that all goes ok prior to picking up the kids, it goes completely pearshaped in the evenings… and you know what – I leave as soon as Markus enters our flat and am off to Gloria for a reading with Nicole Staudinger! … and on the way, I stop at Tiger to buy Pirat swords …but they do not have it! I am fine though and off to meet Maja for a little break 😉

What a funny evening it was…. and I finished all birthday preps and am ready for bed now and cannot wait for tomorrow!! ❤️

One year ago I cut my hair and sported a pixie cut for ten days before I went bald….. and now, my hair looks similar, but boy…. there is so much that happened …..

Shall I tell you what I am looking forward to next?! I am so excited! During the Dreamball, Gaby Wurth, Director Marketing & Communication at Pierre Fabre, a pharmaceutical and cosmetics corporation and my Dreamball sponsor, informed the audience that they started a cure programme two years ago at their Avène Thermal Clinic specially designed to help chemo patients. She then announced that they are happy to send the first German patient to a three week cure this autumn and guess who that is?!?!

Me me me…. whooohooooo! It is unbelievable and I can even take my Mum and my kids for the first two weeks along with me …. I cannot wait to go and sometimes think that it is all a dream!! There is still a ton of paperwork and admin to be done – mainly with my insurance company, but then I will to France. I worked in the area before, absolutely love it and I am longing to depart!

Avène, I will see you in October and until the I lick my wounds before I hand this job over to the clinic and the thermal water …. hmmmm! Lucky lucky me 🤗 Thank you sooo much for not only sending Maja and myself to the Dreamball, which still seems like a dream, but for going above and beyond any possible expectations.

And now I am diving back into my Pirat Party birthday preps…. only two sleeps and Leo will be 4….. ahhhhh! So much to do!

It is my 25 year highschool reunion and I fly through the day in a blur…. it is I am too tired and exhausted.

It is the last day, which adds to the exhaustion of the past week … Mia joins me at 2:00am and Leo at 5:00am and this is the end of my night. There is no possible way I can sleep with two kids piled up on top of me – I enjoy it, don’t get me wrong – but on the other hand I am sooo tired! We make it to seven and I do the early shift with water coloring spread miraculously all over and around our table – what a nightmare and I make buttermilk pancakes, which is a first, but my watercoloured kids love them and the fact that I set off the smoke alarm.

I drive to my parents, have a quick lunch date with my kindergarten friend Katja, which is wonderful despite the fact that I cannot keep my eyes open!

In memory of Rachael, as it was her memorial service, and our classmate Sandra, who we buried earlier this year, I raise of glass, despite the fact that my energy is rock bottom I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open but it’s the last stretch I have to manage and after Leo’s birthday – don’t get me wrong I really really enjoyed preparing his birthday – I will rest and relax and do nothing ….absolutely nothing!

I sleep until lunchtime, which is something I must have really needed and is impossible at home. I wish I could meet up with a few class mates again today, have another chat, as there were a few I wanted to talk to, but simply had no time, but I have a cold now and despite all the sleep and coffee, I still cannot keep my eyes open. I love you guys – that you for a wonderful day and night ❤️

Fun fact… My insurance company is already cutting my benefits for the time I am in rehab! The logic behind this is hilarious – they say that because they are not paying for my rehab, as Avene treats me, they cut my benefits…. yeah right… unfortunately my savings have come to an end and I’m in the brutal reality of financial disaster, which often comes along with cancer and being ill for more than a year. Living on health benefits mean living on about 60% of your regular salary. I am OK that they cut the household aid as I’m taking the kids and my mum along for two weeks – that’s OK and we will be fine for week number three, but with sick pay I strongly disagree that I am suddenly not entitled and the insurance company is double saving – now you explain this to me! Right now, I could not be bothered as it’s only money and I overdraw my account and somehow it both falls into place, but I’m really not bothered… or at least I try

Financial problems come along quite naturally with being sick for quite a long time and first of all it is a due to low or no income, but secondly – and here I am fully guilty – shopping is kind of a reward scheme sometimes …. like a friend of mine who told me that he blew all his savings of like €50,000 to buy an expensive car and some watches and any luxury products he always wanted to have, because he didn’t know how much longer he would live and it’s all down to living in the moment and rewarding yourself for what you coping with. Somehow I always felt that going shopping after chemo had something normal, easy and rewarding and yes I did shop too much and yes, I returned some of the things but that could not really mend it 😉

I am back in my cancer routines, but I am flowing through the day on a Dreamball cloud, my heart is full of happiness, love and wonderful memories. I cannot stop smiling, humming the song that Caro, Marlene and Raliza sang with Barbara Schöneberger!

The team of the DKMS LIFE around managing director Ruth Neri were busy bees working endless hours to create this emotional event. Cancer is everywhere and events like this do not only raise awareness, they lift the tabu and make people speak about it and use the word CANCER! Thank you and all your supporters, contractors and helpers – I feel very privileged that I could be part of this magic night ❤️

I feel tired, but manage to have a coffee with Christina prior to my oncologist check up! My blood levels are ok, but they think about pausing the chemo to give my purulent toe nail a chance to heal…. we will see next week along with my liver results – I did have more than a glass of champagne at the Dreamball, but who wouldn’t …. I did take it easy though 😉

I tick off lymphdrainage, kindergarten, music school and a play date including pizza baking and now I am packing my toothbrush to drive home for my 25 year highschool reunion – no rest for the wicked…. Wednesday is Leo’s 4th birthday and I still have to prepare a pirat party including a treasure hunt! Somehow it always falls into place, doesn’t it?!? I certainly hope so!

Live and let live…. this is not your gig, it’s mine!

Everyone finds a way to deal with cancer differently! My psychologist says a defence mechanism I use is sublimation – I turn my cancer fear into something creative and positive – this is my way of coping with it, but everyone is different and there isn’t that one way that works for all.

Throughout my journey, I get recommendations, links and advice. All is well meant and some tips are helpful and some make me laugh. Broccoli, raspberries and carrots, hemp oil, methadone, turmeric powder, sports, a sugar free diet, vegetarian or vegan, special vitamins and enzymes, mediation, yoga, acupuncture, reiki, energy work…. I heard it all, but to be clear on this one – only I decide which way works for me.

I don’t mind getting the information, am often really grateful and can always ignore it, if not interested, but what makes me upset is if people force their way onto others. If there was the one thing that works 100%, there would be no cancer…. everyone is different, each cancer is different and each journey is different.

„You have to….“ be positive, do sports, eat vegan, do chemo, don’t do chemo ….not a dreg…. this is my movie, my journey and I choose how to live and what to do.

Cancer is not the only area, where people force their values and believes onto others! I am not a saint, I also tell people what to do and what not to do, but I try to ‚live and let live‘.

And next time someone does something their own way, voice your opinion, by all means, but whatever direction they choose, please tell yourself „Not my circus, not my monkeys!“

Cancer connections…. we connect with each other, no matter what cancer, we understand each other and it feels good! If it is during music therapy, via the social media or in everyday life…

During a cancer Blogger Workshop I met three fellow bloggers from Cologne and today, we visit Conny after her hopefully last operation!

Missing today, but our little unicorn, Sabrina, will be there tomorrow and guess what…. after two years she finally found a donor!! If you are not already registered as a stem cells donor, please do so – a simple swipe test is all you need to do!

I am a Muddy Angel!!! I did it!!

I feel like I ran a marathon, which is what I feel like every morning, but this is different! I am full of endorphins, happy, proud and it’s a great!

Last year I was supposed to run, but got my diagnosis not even three weeks beforehand! I had my first operation and it was three days past my first chemo that I watched them run the Muddy Angel Run 2017, with Alex written on their faces, Tine running with my number ….

One year has past, I am almost done with chemo and today I run with my own number! I run, slowly, but I run… climb each obstacle, slide through the mud and in a way it represents my journey! I am not alone though – I run with the LaufMamaLauf team and it means the world to me ❤️ thank you!

I drag myself through the day, as I feel exhausted already when waking up, but manage to go to town with Leo, get a haircut, while the kids and Markus have lunch and attend swimming lessons with a Leo, who refuses to go into the water…. and I can barely keep my eyes open afterwards….

I grab a very late lunch and eat on the playground and then I can’t do it any more and leave Markus and the kids in the icecream parlor and return home in the late afternoon by myself….. I break down, physically and emotionally.

I cry in front of my kids as they return home and it hurts me, as I have never been good with disharmony, always want everything to be nice, easy and peaceful….. but the world isn’t like that and I really have my issue with negativity and stress and cannot handle it really well. I calm myself down though and cuddle with them and will be in bed super early.

When I think about problems or arguments, I am in such a weak position right now…. I need my energy to manage my days and I have no extras left for any discussions or problems. When I return to work, I need to be stronger than this otherwise I will not even make it to lunchtime 😉 The annoying thing about this fatigue is that there is no break from it, not time to recover, no pause …. and that is what I am missing! Just one day with energy – just one that does not feel so tiring.

On a positive note – my haircut makes such a difference to me…. bye bye poodle head! Thank you Fadime ❤️ I am ready to rock the Muddy Angel Run tomorrow – at least I look like it!