It is my 25 year highschool reunion and I fly through the day in a blur…. it is I am too tired and exhausted.

It is the last day, which adds to the exhaustion of the past week … Mia joins me at 2:00am and Leo at 5:00am and this is the end of my night. There is no possible way I can sleep with two kids piled up on top of me – I enjoy it, don’t get me wrong – but on the other hand I am sooo tired! We make it to seven and I do the early shift with water coloring spread miraculously all over and around our table – what a nightmare and I make buttermilk pancakes, which is a first, but my watercoloured kids love them and the fact that I set off the smoke alarm.

I drive to my parents, have a quick lunch date with my kindergarten friend Katja, which is wonderful despite the fact that I cannot keep my eyes open!

In memory of Rachael, as it was her memorial service, and our classmate Sandra, who we buried earlier this year, I raise of glass, despite the fact that my energy is rock bottom I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open but it’s the last stretch I have to manage and after Leo’s birthday – don’t get me wrong I really really enjoyed preparing his birthday – I will rest and relax and do nothing ….absolutely nothing!

I sleep until lunchtime, which is something I must have really needed and is impossible at home. I wish I could meet up with a few class mates again today, have another chat, as there were a few I wanted to talk to, but simply had no time, but I have a cold now and despite all the sleep and coffee, I still cannot keep my eyes open. I love you guys – that you for a wonderful day and night ❤️

Fun fact… My insurance company is already cutting my benefits for the time I am in rehab! The logic behind this is hilarious – they say that because they are not paying for my rehab, as Avene treats me, they cut my benefits…. yeah right… unfortunately my savings have come to an end and I’m in the brutal reality of financial disaster, which often comes along with cancer and being ill for more than a year. Living on health benefits mean living on about 60% of your regular salary. I am OK that they cut the household aid as I’m taking the kids and my mum along for two weeks – that’s OK and we will be fine for week number three, but with sick pay I strongly disagree that I am suddenly not entitled and the insurance company is double saving – now you explain this to me! Right now, I could not be bothered as it’s only money and I overdraw my account and somehow it both falls into place, but I’m really not bothered… or at least I try

Financial problems come along quite naturally with being sick for quite a long time and first of all it is a due to low or no income, but secondly – and here I am fully guilty – shopping is kind of a reward scheme sometimes …. like a friend of mine who told me that he blew all his savings of like €50,000 to buy an expensive car and some watches and any luxury products he always wanted to have, because he didn’t know how much longer he would live and it’s all down to living in the moment and rewarding yourself for what you coping with. Somehow I always felt that going shopping after chemo had something normal, easy and rewarding and yes I did shop too much and yes, I returned some of the things but that could not really mend it 😉

I am back in my cancer routines, but I am flowing through the day on a Dreamball cloud, my heart is full of happiness, love and wonderful memories. I cannot stop smiling, humming the song that Caro, Marlene and Raliza sang with Barbara Schöneberger!

The team of the DKMS LIFE around managing director Ruth Neri were busy bees working endless hours to create this emotional event. Cancer is everywhere and events like this do not only raise awareness, they lift the tabu and make people speak about it and use the word CANCER! Thank you and all your supporters, contractors and helpers – I feel very privileged that I could be part of this magic night ❤️

I feel tired, but manage to have a coffee with Christina prior to my oncologist check up! My blood levels are ok, but they think about pausing the chemo to give my purulent toe nail a chance to heal…. we will see next week along with my liver results – I did have more than a glass of champagne at the Dreamball, but who wouldn’t …. I did take it easy though 😉

I tick off lymphdrainage, kindergarten, music school and a play date including pizza baking and now I am packing my toothbrush to drive home for my 25 year highschool reunion – no rest for the wicked…. Wednesday is Leo’s 4th birthday and I still have to prepare a pirat party including a treasure hunt! Somehow it always falls into place, doesn’t it?!? I certainly hope so!

Live and let live…. this is not your gig, it’s mine!

Everyone finds a way to deal with cancer differently! My psychologist says a defence mechanism I use is sublimation – I turn my cancer fear into something creative and positive – this is my way of coping with it, but everyone is different and there isn’t that one way that works for all.

Throughout my journey, I get recommendations, links and advice. All is well meant and some tips are helpful and some make me laugh. Broccoli, raspberries and carrots, hemp oil, methadone, turmeric powder, sports, a sugar free diet, vegetarian or vegan, special vitamins and enzymes, mediation, yoga, acupuncture, reiki, energy work…. I heard it all, but to be clear on this one – only I decide which way works for me.

I don’t mind getting the information, am often really grateful and can always ignore it, if not interested, but what makes me upset is if people force their way onto others. If there was the one thing that works 100%, there would be no cancer…. everyone is different, each cancer is different and each journey is different.

„You have to….“ be positive, do sports, eat vegan, do chemo, don’t do chemo ….not a dreg…. this is my movie, my journey and I choose how to live and what to do.

Cancer is not the only area, where people force their values and believes onto others! I am not a saint, I also tell people what to do and what not to do, but I try to ‚live and let live‘.

And next time someone does something their own way, voice your opinion, by all means, but whatever direction they choose, please tell yourself „Not my circus, not my monkeys!“

Cancer connections…. we connect with each other, no matter what cancer, we understand each other and it feels good! If it is during music therapy, via the social media or in everyday life…

During a cancer Blogger Workshop I met three fellow bloggers from Cologne and today, we visit Conny after her hopefully last operation!

Missing today, but our little unicorn, Sabrina, will be there tomorrow and guess what…. after two years she finally found a donor!! If you are not already registered as a stem cells donor, please do so – a simple swipe test is all you need to do!

I am a Muddy Angel!!! I did it!!

I feel like I ran a marathon, which is what I feel like every morning, but this is different! I am full of endorphins, happy, proud and it’s a great!

Last year I was supposed to run, but got my diagnosis not even three weeks beforehand! I had my first operation and it was three days past my first chemo that I watched them run the Muddy Angel Run 2017, with Alex written on their faces, Tine running with my number ….

One year has past, I am almost done with chemo and today I run with my own number! I run, slowly, but I run… climb each obstacle, slide through the mud and in a way it represents my journey! I am not alone though – I run with the LaufMamaLauf team and it means the world to me ❤️ thank you!

I drag myself through the day, as I feel exhausted already when waking up, but manage to go to town with Leo, get a haircut, while the kids and Markus have lunch and attend swimming lessons with a Leo, who refuses to go into the water…. and I can barely keep my eyes open afterwards….

I grab a very late lunch and eat on the playground and then I can’t do it any more and leave Markus and the kids in the icecream parlor and return home in the late afternoon by myself….. I break down, physically and emotionally.

I cry in front of my kids as they return home and it hurts me, as I have never been good with disharmony, always want everything to be nice, easy and peaceful….. but the world isn’t like that and I really have my issue with negativity and stress and cannot handle it really well. I calm myself down though and cuddle with them and will be in bed super early.

When I think about problems or arguments, I am in such a weak position right now…. I need my energy to manage my days and I have no extras left for any discussions or problems. When I return to work, I need to be stronger than this otherwise I will not even make it to lunchtime 😉 The annoying thing about this fatigue is that there is no break from it, not time to recover, no pause …. and that is what I am missing! Just one day with energy – just one that does not feel so tiring.

On a positive note – my haircut makes such a difference to me…. bye bye poodle head! Thank you Fadime ❤️ I am ready to rock the Muddy Angel Run tomorrow – at least I look like it!

One year ago today, I had my first chemo EVER…. I was sooo nervous, tried to do everything right, had a big breakfast despite not being hungry, drank a lot of ginger water (which by now I cannot stand anymore…. just the thought 🤢) and was prepared with a meditation app, a downloaded movie, lots of food and drink, …. and I was surprised how I did not feel anything…. the port needle, yes, they bang it into my chest, but then…. nothing… I should not move while the red ‚Campari‘ cocktail is running into my body, as it is extremely aggressive …. it scared me, but I could not feel anything!! And then I went home, ‚waited‘ for a reaction, had Mum’s chicken soup (which I can no longer stand either 😉) and it was ok…. nausea, tiredness, but not the vivid pictures of being sick, throwing up all over the place and anything of the pictures that sprang to my mind, when I first heard the word „chemo“. Lucky me!

Today, I am on the train home from visiting my bosom buddy Merle – full of happiness – and then something happens that really touches me…. I change trains and do not notice that I leave my rain coat on the train…. flashback to the day post my diagnosis…. I am on the train to my yoga retreat and leave my red and white checked rain coat, which I love so much…. my first colourful piece in my wardrobe…. and despite a tremendous effort to get it back, I don’t…. not even on EBay…. nothing …. and this summer, I finally buy a new one – bright and yellow! A new favorite piece – a statement of my new life…. I know it somehow sound a bit over the top, but it represents a new beginning for, if you know what I mean!

Thank you to the young man, who runs after me today and returns my coat to me…. history is not repeating itself ❤️ I am returning home clinging onto my coat!

It’s my three month check up with the radiation team! It really does not seem that three months have past already… wow! Time flies… I don’t really know what to expect, but I notice that the radiation field is still visible on my skin. It looks like a shadow, slowly fading away!

My doctor is on vacation, but the stand in doc is really nice. She checks my breast, the lymphknots and is happy. As we go through my file, I see the radiation ankles quite clearly and see that heart and lungs were minimally touched.

What are the next steps? Half year mammograms (yearly both breasts), yearly radiation of my lung and liver sonograms along with the gynecologist checks…. this feels like I am on a good way! Onwards and upwards…

It is surreal to be back here… I feel like a visitor in a previous episode of my cancer story…. weird, but in a good way 😉

And now, I am off to visit my bosom buddy Merle and her sweet daughter – I can’t wait!

My body is amazing – tired, but awesome! All the treatments, the 16 chemos, 2 operations and its complications, 28 radiations, menopause, bone aches, pneumonia and now chemo pills…. it is tired – fully understandable – but it keeps going and going! Wow!

Last night was a night, which reminded me of my first chemos being restless despite total exhaustion, sleepless and drenched from hot flushes….. ahhh! I certainly hope it’s a one off, but my super body manages the kids and sports – yes I am fit to face the Muddy Angel run in Cologne on Sunday – support me at 4:30pm – and a full day with errands and kids! I see the benefits of my yoga retreat – I am not as thin skinned with the kids, don’t loose my patients, but let Mia go to Kindergarten in a t-Shirt with diapers…. well, the teachers confirmed it is not ok to run around with a nappie and she put her skirt on…. whatever it takes…. I did not have the nerves, yet! I definitely see an upwards trend though….

Thank you, you wonderful body, I am proud of you – look what you handle and I promise to keep looking after you with sports and nutrition and the occasional drink and treat, but for now I am bringing you to bed to give you some extra sleep, as I want to visit someone special tomorrow 😉 Good night!