#feelitonthefirst – bam – it is breast cancer awareness month!

Feel your breasts, look after yourself and be kind to yourself!

I am in breast cancer therapy for over a year now, I am tired and exhausted, but happy to be alive! I am happy that I felt a lump while showing and the earlier breast cancer is detected, the easier it is to be treated! Lucky me!

Listen to your body – you are the one who know it best! Cancer can hit anyone at any age at any time – it does not ask, if it is a good time for you…. it simply sneaks around the corner and hits you in the face, when you expect it the least!

I am having a cold, but will look after myself in between singing sharmanic songs in music therapy, coffee with kindergarten friend Lars, getting my 14th sick note. Fun fact – as I drop it off, HR tells me that it’s my 10th anniversary with HRG today – crazy…. I have been back in Germany for 10 years already! Wow!

It’s time to take my flu battled body home listening to the mellow sounds of Miles Davis, which puts me into a little peaceful bubble before I have to do the paediatric run with the kids for Leo’s annual check up ….no rest for the wicked 😉

Everyone from my prenatal class reunion cancelled today, but you know what? Then I have more time with Leo ❤️ … it is just a pity that I cancelled a visit from two ships mates because of it, but they will visit me another time 😉

This morning I buried myself in paperwork for the insurance company to get money back. It is not overly complicated, but my hand is bad at handwriting at the moment and my brain is bad at concentrating…. that does not help. I try my best though and put it aside now to spend a mother son afternoon with Leo ❤️

Today I checked my blog stats and I am in awe to see that my blog is read in 93 countries…. my traveler heart jumps with joy! Thank you all for following my journey, your time, support and love – it means the world to me and keeps me going ❤️

I received more Dreamball pictures and it’s the final time I will post about it …. I think 😉 it just brought back all these great memories ❤️

And today, „Baby horse and Mummy horse“ are going to town together. I have to return a few things and Mia and I are having a coffee date 😉

We need talk more about cancer, start using the word! It is called CANCER and it is everywhere, even, if you cannot see it…. it is not „that situation“ or „your circumstances“ nor „it“…. it is called cancer! Yes, we can…cer – starts right there!

This charitable organisation wants to encourage tabu and fear free cancer communication, bring attention to the subject, support cancer projects and connect patients, supporters and anyone concerned.

Check them out and follow them on their Facebook or Instagram or after 1 October on their website or app ❤️ – they have exciting things planned and I support them 100% ❤️ watch this space!

Determination … I go the extra mile, get the job done, mobilize extra energy to reach a goal, strive for perfection, there is no such thing as a dead end, I get back to you immediately, get things done, while multitasking is my middle name and never say no, as I love the challenge – that was my life…until I got my diagnosis.

Now I accepted that I can no longer do everything I want, need to ration my energy carefully and have to live with unfinished work and very long timelines.

I have neither fully arrived in nor completely accepted my new normal, but I am getting there!

I happily used and mobilized all my energy during the last ten days for all the events and birthday preparations, for making invitations, organizing presents and the party, decorations, details, food… I dived into it, did it all until the job was done in an attempt to make the kids happy and myself, to create lasting memories – just in case….but today, I know that I have to rest, decline a breakfast date and do nothing.

There are appointments again tomorrow, but today is mellow – I spend a calm morning with the kids and after I drop them off I simply rest and dose until pick up time and I am having an early night ❤️ look after yourself – I am on my final stretch and will recharge my batteries in the Avéne clinic! I am more than ready to go and I got my flight details for the 7th now – yipehhhh!!!

I spend my afternoon in a little Pirat world with sticky happy kids, glowing cheeks, cheers and laughter, Pirat songs yelled on top of their lungs, a tug of war with trembling bodies and little feet counting their steps through the underwood, while clinging to their stained and burned treasure map….the excitement of plunging voices and dirty fingers digging through gold nuggets.

I cry a lot today, as my heart is full of love watching my little pirat growing up – I am grateful that I can be here to dive into this beautiful autumn afternoon and enjoy a glass of champagne with my remaining family and friends, as the day comes to an end and the time of Leo’s birth repeats. Four years already and I don’t want to miss a minute and want many many more.

Two little pirates stay with me, as everyone else leaves and my heart melts away as they snuggle up to me ❤️ I am so grateful, full of love and ready to pass out any minute 😉

What a day….. Pfew!!

I am exhausted, but not surprisingly. The onchologist visit results in one extra week of chemo break to give my toes a chance to recover a bit, but he says it will be worse and worse. He is in favor of my Avene cure though and hopes that we might even have a better chance to complete all eight chemo cycles…. we will see! He said from the beginning that he will try to do all eight cycles, but if the feet and hands suffer to much we will have to stop…. fingers crossed!

I am busy with last minute buys (typical) for tomorrow’s 5th Pirat birthday bash and despite the fact that all goes ok prior to picking up the kids, it goes completely pearshaped in the evenings… and you know what – I leave as soon as Markus enters our flat and am off to Gloria for a reading with Nicole Staudinger! … and on the way, I stop at Tiger to buy Pirat swords …but they do not have it! I am fine though and off to meet Maja for a little break 😉

What a funny evening it was…. and I finished all birthday preps and am ready for bed now and cannot wait for tomorrow!! ❤️

One year ago I cut my hair and sported a pixie cut for ten days before I went bald….. and now, my hair looks similar, but boy…. there is so much that happened …..

Shall I tell you what I am looking forward to next?! I am so excited! During the Dreamball, Gaby Wurth, Director Marketing & Communication at Pierre Fabre, a pharmaceutical and cosmetics corporation and my Dreamball sponsor, informed the audience that they started a cure programme two years ago at their Avène Thermal Clinic specially designed to help chemo patients. She then announced that they are happy to send the first German patient to a three week cure this autumn and guess who that is?!?!

Me me me…. whooohooooo! It is unbelievable and I can even take my Mum and my kids for the first two weeks along with me …. I cannot wait to go and sometimes think that it is all a dream!! There is still a ton of paperwork and admin to be done – mainly with my insurance company, but then I will to France. I worked in the area before, absolutely love it and I am longing to depart!

Avène, I will see you in October and until the I lick my wounds before I hand this job over to the clinic and the thermal water …. hmmmm! Lucky lucky me 🤗 Thank you sooo much for not only sending Maja and myself to the Dreamball, which still seems like a dream, but for going above and beyond any possible expectations.

And now I am diving back into my Pirat Party birthday preps…. only two sleeps and Leo will be 4….. ahhhhh! So much to do!

It is my 25 year highschool reunion and I fly through the day in a blur…. it is I am too tired and exhausted.

It is the last day, which adds to the exhaustion of the past week … Mia joins me at 2:00am and Leo at 5:00am and this is the end of my night. There is no possible way I can sleep with two kids piled up on top of me – I enjoy it, don’t get me wrong – but on the other hand I am sooo tired! We make it to seven and I do the early shift with water coloring spread miraculously all over and around our table – what a nightmare and I make buttermilk pancakes, which is a first, but my watercoloured kids love them and the fact that I set off the smoke alarm.

I drive to my parents, have a quick lunch date with my kindergarten friend Katja, which is wonderful despite the fact that I cannot keep my eyes open!

In memory of Rachael, as it was her memorial service, and our classmate Sandra, who we buried earlier this year, I raise of glass, despite the fact that my energy is rock bottom I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open but it’s the last stretch I have to manage and after Leo’s birthday – don’t get me wrong I really really enjoyed preparing his birthday – I will rest and relax and do nothing ….absolutely nothing!

I sleep until lunchtime, which is something I must have really needed and is impossible at home. I wish I could meet up with a few class mates again today, have another chat, as there were a few I wanted to talk to, but simply had no time, but I have a cold now and despite all the sleep and coffee, I still cannot keep my eyes open. I love you guys – that you for a wonderful day and night ❤️

Fun fact… My insurance company is already cutting my benefits for the time I am in rehab! The logic behind this is hilarious – they say that because they are not paying for my rehab, as Avene treats me, they cut my benefits…. yeah right… unfortunately my savings have come to an end and I’m in the brutal reality of financial disaster, which often comes along with cancer and being ill for more than a year. Living on health benefits mean living on about 60% of your regular salary. I am OK that they cut the household aid as I’m taking the kids and my mum along for two weeks – that’s OK and we will be fine for week number three, but with sick pay I strongly disagree that I am suddenly not entitled and the insurance company is double saving – now you explain this to me! Right now, I could not be bothered as it’s only money and I overdraw my account and somehow it both falls into place, but I’m really not bothered… or at least I try

Financial problems come along quite naturally with being sick for quite a long time and first of all it is a due to low or no income, but secondly – and here I am fully guilty – shopping is kind of a reward scheme sometimes …. like a friend of mine who told me that he blew all his savings of like €50,000 to buy an expensive car and some watches and any luxury products he always wanted to have, because he didn’t know how much longer he would live and it’s all down to living in the moment and rewarding yourself for what you coping with. Somehow I always felt that going shopping after chemo had something normal, easy and rewarding and yes I did shop too much and yes, I returned some of the things but that could not really mend it 😉

I am back in my cancer routines, but I am flowing through the day on a Dreamball cloud, my heart is full of happiness, love and wonderful memories. I cannot stop smiling, humming the song that Caro, Marlene and Raliza sang with Barbara Schöneberger!

The team of the DKMS LIFE around managing director Ruth Neri were busy bees working endless hours to create this emotional event. Cancer is everywhere and events like this do not only raise awareness, they lift the tabu and make people speak about it and use the word CANCER! Thank you and all your supporters, contractors and helpers – I feel very privileged that I could be part of this magic night ❤️

I feel tired, but manage to have a coffee with Christina prior to my oncologist check up! My blood levels are ok, but they think about pausing the chemo to give my purulent toe nail a chance to heal…. we will see next week along with my liver results – I did have more than a glass of champagne at the Dreamball, but who wouldn’t …. I did take it easy though 😉

I tick off lymphdrainage, kindergarten, music school and a play date including pizza baking and now I am packing my toothbrush to drive home for my 25 year highschool reunion – no rest for the wicked…. Wednesday is Leo’s 4th birthday and I still have to prepare a pirat party including a treasure hunt! Somehow it always falls into place, doesn’t it?!? I certainly hope so!