One year ago today, I had my first chemo EVER…. I was sooo nervous, tried to do everything right, had a big breakfast despite not being hungry, drank a lot of ginger water (which by now I cannot stand anymore…. just the thought 🤢) and was prepared with a meditation app, a downloaded movie, lots of food and drink, …. and I was surprised how I did not feel anything…. the port needle, yes, they bang it into my chest, but then…. nothing… I should not move while the red ‚Campari‘ cocktail is running into my body, as it is extremely aggressive …. it scared me, but I could not feel anything!! And then I went home, ‚waited‘ for a reaction, had Mum’s chicken soup (which I can no longer stand either 😉) and it was ok…. nausea, tiredness, but not the vivid pictures of being sick, throwing up all over the place and anything of the pictures that sprang to my mind, when I first heard the word „chemo“. Lucky me!

Today, I am on the train home from visiting my bosom buddy Merle – full of happiness – and then something happens that really touches me…. I change trains and do not notice that I leave my rain coat on the train…. flashback to the day post my diagnosis…. I am on the train to my yoga retreat and leave my red and white checked rain coat, which I love so much…. my first colourful piece in my wardrobe…. and despite a tremendous effort to get it back, I don’t…. not even on EBay…. nothing …. and this summer, I finally buy a new one – bright and yellow! A new favorite piece – a statement of my new life…. I know it somehow sound a bit over the top, but it represents a new beginning for, if you know what I mean!

Thank you to the young man, who runs after me today and returns my coat to me…. history is not repeating itself ❤️ I am returning home clinging onto my coat!

It’s my three month check up with the radiation team! It really does not seem that three months have past already… wow! Time flies… I don’t really know what to expect, but I notice that the radiation field is still visible on my skin. It looks like a shadow, slowly fading away!

My doctor is on vacation, but the stand in doc is really nice. She checks my breast, the lymphknots and is happy. As we go through my file, I see the radiation ankles quite clearly and see that heart and lungs were minimally touched.

What are the next steps? Half year mammograms (yearly both breasts), yearly radiation of my lung and liver sonograms along with the gynecologist checks…. this feels like I am on a good way! Onwards and upwards…

It is surreal to be back here… I feel like a visitor in a previous episode of my cancer story…. weird, but in a good way 😉

And now, I am off to visit my bosom buddy Merle and her sweet daughter – I can’t wait!

My body is amazing – tired, but awesome! All the treatments, the 16 chemos, 2 operations and its complications, 28 radiations, menopause, bone aches, pneumonia and now chemo pills…. it is tired – fully understandable – but it keeps going and going! Wow!

Last night was a night, which reminded me of my first chemos being restless despite total exhaustion, sleepless and drenched from hot flushes….. ahhh! I certainly hope it’s a one off, but my super body manages the kids and sports – yes I am fit to face the Muddy Angel run in Cologne on Sunday – support me at 4:30pm – and a full day with errands and kids! I see the benefits of my yoga retreat – I am not as thin skinned with the kids, don’t loose my patients, but let Mia go to Kindergarten in a t-Shirt with diapers…. well, the teachers confirmed it is not ok to run around with a nappie and she put her skirt on…. whatever it takes…. I did not have the nerves, yet! I definitely see an upwards trend though….

Thank you, you wonderful body, I am proud of you – look what you handle and I promise to keep looking after you with sports and nutrition and the occasional drink and treat, but for now I am bringing you to bed to give you some extra sleep, as I want to visit someone special tomorrow 😉 Good night!

Today I won’t bore you with cancer fatigue…. I am quite bored of it myself 😉

9/11 – I was onboard Caronia (the picture was taken in Spitzbergen, but my digital photos only started in 2002) heading towards New York…. we were to debark all our guests there before starting on a Golden Fall cruise up the East Coast. I will never forget the day, sitting on my concierge desk, when Franz passed by, casually saying – I plane just flew into the World Trade Center. Chief Purser Hans had a tiny weeny TV in his office and we all assembled around it, debating that it was probably just a sports plane, when a second plane hit. We were docked in the Bahamas, no telephone connections, as all broke down…. the atmosphere was horrible…. there were people crying, because they had relatives, who worked in the twin towers, while others complained about the food on their tour excursion….. it is a day I will never forget and the days afterwards either… I was in constant contact with our Miami office and once it was clear that we would be detoured to Boston, we worked day and night to rebook flights, organise busses to NYC and pile any guest, who wanted it onboard the QE2, which was also detoured to Boston…. Helen Panagos was my key contact in Miami office 24/7…. she was amazing and only after this was over she told me that she was due any day!!!

We arrived in Boston and I had a gun in my face, as I was not allowed off the ship…. well, I was in charge of debarkation, so I was finally allowed, but my radio had to be switched off…. I was not allowed to go even near the QE2, where my then boyfriend worked, but we managed in the end to quickly see each other for 5 minutes, when a police dog freaked, as there was a trace of explosives in one of the suitcases…. it was a hunting jacket, but we were careful and scared. Boston airport had just been opened and the planes would land over our heads…. we rugged every time…. I could go on and on, but my point is, that we all got closer together, looked after each other and got out of it unlike a lot of others!

Live your life, enjoy every moment and be kind to each other! I will spend the afternoon with my kids and Simone and her kids in our garden – summer is back!

Yes, it was a relaxing weekend and yes, I really feel energetic and yes, I am exhausted beyond belief…. is that a contradiction?!?! Not really… that is just my new normal and my low energy level or rather the poor management of it, but it was in the long term highly beneficial and I think that it beats cancer fatigue…. even, if I don’t feel it right now!

I still manage my day, even bake a disastrous plum cake with the kids and attend a parents evening in kindergarten, but I am off to bed now and give yoga a miss…. I think I have done my fair share of yoga for this week and I have to manage tomorrow without Markus, have doctor’s appointment and I need any energy I can mobilize… good night!

Our 7am meditation is replaced by a coffee date with Inga – as Sandra wants to do it outside again and we both feel that it is too cold 😉 Yoga means listening to yourself and doing what you feel is good for you and for us it’s coffee and a chat! Inga is one of my best friends – we know each other for more than 25 years and understand each other without words, but I also love chatting to her!

I also skip some asanas where I have to carry my weight on my hands, as I feel that my breast is swollen again – gentle! There should never be pain!

During the hip opening asanas, I have thoughts about death, Rachael and what my kids would do, if I die, the memoires she wrote for her son, which she could not finish…. it might have been that I started listening more to her podcast on my way to my yoga retreat?!? … and surprisingly enough these hip opening asanas are known to trigger deep essential thoughts…. it leaves a bitter note, but despite these thoughts, which pass, I leave with a heart full of happiness and I am grateful! Serotonines and endorphines are the key – full of happy hormones I am making my way back to home. I cannot wait to hold my kids – I really miss them!

There is a group of bike fans, stag nighters -whatever their common denominator – onboard my train and I love it – they are jolly, happy and alive without being too much…. I like their music, close my eyes and dose off, as I am tired ….. soooo tired! 🎵🎶 „O partigiano, ….ciao, bella, ciao!“ 🎶🎵

Recap of the B2 run – it is great to see my colleagues and feel part of the team despite the fact that I have not been to work for more than two years….

HRG is now merging with American Express GBT, but no matter what name, we are a great team and I look forward to slowly returning next year!

My yoga retreat is doing wonders – meditation on the banks of the still misty lake slowly wakes me before we start with the first yoga flow session – and yes, breakfast and coffee is on my mind in which I indulge while having inspirational chats. The groups is very harmonic and some familiar faces from last year are here. We go for a meditative walk – and yes, I hugged a tree and I enjoyed it, picked a special one and felt – have only little time for a stretch and sensational food meditation, sauna, skinny dipping in the lake, a little taste of Zumba, a medley of Vinyasa, Kundalini & yin yoga.

It sounds exhausting, but I am doing it all low key, listen to my body and feel that I am gaining energy…. and boy, I will sleep like a baby! Next step on the agenda – BBQ dinner and the yoga Nidra – the yogi sleep before crawling into bed!

I am grateful that I can be here – one year on and I am still alive and fit enough to recharge my batteries once again. Sandra is amazing and just being with her gives you so much energy and positivity! Thank you 🙏

I am sitting on the train to my yoga and wellness retreat – just like last year – with my rain coat under my arm…. last year I sat on this train, it was the day after my diagnosis. I spent the time informing everyone I possibly could that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Scared, but positive and determined! I was too puzzled and confused and as a result I left my raincoat on the train…. and I never got it back!

I used this weekend to pack a bag full of positive and happy moments for the months ahead of me!

This year, I have a new raincoat and I look forward to packing another bag! Silke will be there with me again, but this year Inga is joining us and the outlook is much happier, as I am soon facing the end of my treatment and slowly going back into ’normal life‘ – whatever it will be. It will be my old life, but with a new twist… and for now, I am off to packing my bag! Namaste!

PS: I did complete the 5k B2 Run – running – slowly, but running!

Photo: Nadine Heller Menzel

Bag: Miss Souk

#throwbackthursday – the picture is 10 years old and was taken when I ran my first half marathon ever….. and it meant so much to me.

I was always terrible at sports, one of the last to be selected into any team and I dreaded sports lessons… running was the worst, but I started slowly and trained while working onboard cruiseships. A 10k New Years run to Werl was something I never thought I could do… but I did it and the next step after a few shorter runs, was my first half marathon!

I was so proud and to top it, I started to train for a real marathon…. I had a plan, which I followed meticulously and even a special diet for the day prior to my marathon and the actual marathon day. And you know what?!? I did it – I finished the marathon almost effortlessly, as I met a girl during the run and we chatted away after km 6 or 8…. it took me 5 hours, but I had a great time…. and what followed were marathon two and three to improve my time….

During my first pregnancy 2016, I suddenly could not run any more and I missed it…. being pregnant again while still nursing baby No. 1, running was the last thing on my mind…. my time with the running Mamas has since the beginning been a walking event for me… as after the babies my pelvic floor was not in running mode 😉

But things changed and despite the fact that I went from nursing baby no. 2 straight into chemo and could still not run, I could suddenly run again in June… and I ran the Pink run of 5k!

And despite being on an all time low, as I am tired as anything, I will try to run the B2 run with my colleagues tonight! Wish me luck! #believeinyourself

At lunchtime I learn that Rachael Bland passed away this morning…. and I cannot stop thinking about her husband and her wee son 💔

Yes, my life continues and I am ever so grateful! I get comments that I no longer do coffee dates and yes, I am too tired, to busy, but I have coffee with my running Mamas after my LaufMamaLauf Sport Session today and I love the coffee scene Nadine shot yesterday…. ties in quite nicely, as coffee plays such a major role in my cancer story!

I see my oncologist later today and due to my chemo brain, I prepared a long list with questions.

But for now, I don’t feel like writing about me – Rachael was such an inspiration to me and her podcast „You, me and the Big C“ (please download it) will be continued by Debs and Lolli, who inspire me as well, will continue what the three of them started. Her legacy will live on, but for today I am heart broken and I am sending all my love to her family 💔